A North West View

So I am not going to quite be able to do much in depth blogging here soon, as tomorrow my Grandparents come to visit for a while and they will be staying in my room (and I feel quite awkward trying to blog when another person might be able to see what I am writing before I have had a chance to finish it) that and it's crunch time to get ready for Christmas and goodness knows I still need to find boxes and get things wrapped!  Now add to that fun that I now have to make an appointment some time after Christmas to have about $1100 of work done on my car because I avoided hitting the idiot that decided they need to drive partway in their lane part way in mine and drove me into the wall on the shoulder, scratching my finder totally shredding the trim strip on both passenger side doors and putting a small dent in the leading edge of the rear passenger door, so now not only do I have to take that money out of my savings I have to go with out my car for 4days at some point and barrow one

I have been wondering lately about what increasing seems to be an intertwined relationship between so many of the issues that I have and the things that cause me to have such a hatred towards my self, that I now wounder if they might has some intertwined and related cause/root that lies beneath them.  I am beginning to wounder if I might not have uncovered a clue to them in the combination of my different blog post and even more so in the recent journaling that I have taken up doing, especially considering that I conjunction with that I have been starting to allow my self to actually feel and experience my emotions and at the same time start to question why it is that I am experiencing them, and quite often it seems to be surfacing that like I have been away in the past the ways that I feel towards my self are not necessarily on the logical side, especially when compared to the way that I feel towards others for the same things. Yet I am not at all sure if this theory is correct of it

So I am considering starting to keep a journal, to hopefully write in daily, about how my day went how I feel and all those sorts of things to try and help clear my mind a little and maybe even allow me to more easily see things and figure things out about my self, stuff that for the most part would probably be quite boring and not something that others would necessarily want to read, so have no fear I don't plan on turning my blog into any more of a journal then it already is.  But I was wondering if any of my readers keep a journal, and if you do what do you do to stick with it?  As I have tried to keep a journal at multiple points in the past with out a whole lot of luck, even though I found quite often simply putting the thoughts down on paper is almost therapeutic in a way.  Not only that but it is also a much more privet format one in which I am not nearly as bound to worry about proper grammar or my lack of spelling abilities. 

What do I see when I look at my self, not physically but as a person, which is something that I don't ever really share because people inevitably never actually know how to respond or what to make of how ti is that I actually feel about my self, and not only that but I have been burned enough times in the past that I also fear giving others stuff that they can use as ammunition to hurt me at some point in the future. After all I guess how are people supposed to respond when you tell them that you don't like your self, let alone but that in fact you see your self as a stupid, weak,worthless and genuinely a crummy failure of  person that really dose not have much of anything to offer the people around them let alone the wold. I don't know why I view my self this way.

I am at a loss on how to deal with the issues that I have when it comes towards my feeling about my self, especially when it comes to my sexuality, what makes it all the more confusing is that the feelings that I hold towards my self and how I feel about being gay when it comes to my self are totally the opposite of my feelings when it comes to other people who are gay.  When I say opposite I mean exact polar opposite feelings, and I don't know how to over come my feelings towards my self with the acceptance that I have for others, so that I can actually believe for my self things like what my mom posted on my Facebook wall in reaction to my last blog (which I posted forgetting she had a Facebook since she never uses it) " You did not choose to be gay and no one meeting you would guess you were gay i had no clue you were until you told me and I knew some growing up and a lot at work. I love you no matter what and you are not disgusting."

Once again my hatred of my self, especially for the fact that I am gay has bubbled up to the surface, part of it was because of the light prodding of the subject early on in my appointments with my shrink and his strong suggestion that I start to ex amen those feeling and try to understand why I have them, partly because those feelings have never fully left and never fully been able to be swept under the rug like many of my other feelings manage to get to have done to them. (at least for a short while) Most definitely though do the inadvertent jabbing of the lid to the Pandora's box of them by a coworker who had no real intention to cause harm or pain but was simply joking around.  Something that just about every time cause things to get stirred up with in me and that I actively pretend I am alright with and join in the joking which to every one else around seems like I am joking but in reality I am beating up on my self. 

I really do wish that I did not have to deal with my mind or my emotions, that I could just simply switch them off, and make them go away. I don't want to deal with them I don't want to think about them I most definitely don't want to record them and then relive them at any point in the future let alone have some one else drag me threw them again. I think I would settle with being drugged out of my mind, if I could still live with the side effects and never have to deal with the torture chamber that can be my mind and my emotions. To not have to deal with no one else understanding what is going on with me, to not understand that what they think is the problem is not. Yet at the same time not be able to deal with even thinking about let alone actually telling them what the real issues are, while being unable unwilling afraid to do that, then having to be confronted by the demons that are my fears, to then have to try to shake those off again, and again, and again. To have

Well it looks like I will be sticking with my current psychiatrist as we have at least hashed out some of the issues that I was having and have created some concrete direction for something for me to work on during the 3 weeks that he is going to be on vacation, an almost assignment which I am glad to do even if what it is a part of trying to do scares me for some very unexplainable reason that even puzzles me.  It may sound extremely illogical well that would be because it is, and that is that what it is that he wants to work towards is what he sees as one of the biggest problems I am faced with and that is causing so many problems.  That is that I am "to hard on my self and to negative about my self" and while it would seem logical that working to be less so and that dealing with that would be something one would be happy to do, it is something that for reasons that I can't even adequately put into words in order to explain I find that to be one of the most terrifying i

  I am feeling so frustrated lately, I don't feel like therapy is helping at all, I just feel like all it is doing is taking up time and money with nothing to show for it.  I increasingly feel that the only "progress" that has been made in helping me feel a little better is that which has been made by the minorly/moderately effective medication that I'm on.   Other then that there seems to be absolutely no direction to my "treatment" leaving me feeling like I'm swinging in the wind and like absolutely no progress is being made. I don't feel like really anything is being dealt with nor that there is really any enlightenment going on at all. Add to that the fact that increasingly I am getting more an more annoyed by my Psychiatrist en ability to be on time, which as some one that is always prompt to slightly early to arrive for any appointment time is getting more and more on my nerves.  I mean it would be one thing if ever once and a while he was la

It seems these days that it is easier then ever to make "fake friends" those friends that simply cross your path then some how wind up cluttering your Facebook as friends even when in reality they are nothing but an impostor. They are the friends that never pay attention to you when you are having difficulties, don't have your back when you need your friends most, but that dose not soap them from throwing insults your way, from throwing condemnations your way not going about doing things exactly like them, for not having all the same opportunities that they have had. In this case a friend who decided that it would be OK the call me a "stupid hippy" which to me is a strange insult as for one thing I am not stupid and for another the counter culture movement of the late 60's had a very profound impact on this country and brought about changes both political and social that are still an important part of society today.  let alone if one where to go by his defin

I have been wondering this quite a bit lately, I guess though the first step is going to be defining what the American Dream actually is.  I would say that at least from my perspective the American dream is to have a decent job with decent pay and benefits, to be able to afford to by a decent modest place of your own, and have a decent retirement when your working years come to an end.  Maybe this is childish or overly idealistic, but it is at least my version of  what the American Dream, and one that is very important to me, as well as finding that special man, and raising a family with them. Yet I wounder if big parts of the dream are achievable.

as the chines proverb says " be not afraid of growing slowly: be afraid only of standing still ".  This seems be quite appropriate to the post today, as this post is about the slow and continuing  evolution of my views towards my medication, and the growth towards being able to understand and change ultimately change those views.

I don't know maybe it is just my unease and worry about finances that constantly makes me doubt and wounder constantly if I am on the right path to achieve if not the picture perfect future, that never really exist but that every one has a version of for them selves, if not that at least a secure future. Yet it seems I am never sure that the path I am on and the actions that I am taking to try to fallow it are the right ones, or if instead they are going to lead me into a sudden pit fall that will spell me doom.  I wounder if this is something that all people my age go threw, and that their concerns are all the same but I am always left wondering if it is not so.

Things are clearly starting to head towards a down turn, and it is becoming more and more clear that a dark storm is indeed brewing on the horizon just waiting to edge its way in until it has destroyed all defences and has everything wrapped up in its furry. The negative judgements and self hatred are starting to edge their way in with even more force, as is the resentment over every action and path I take.  With my new found disgust and self hatred for taking my meds the meds that I have been having a hard time managing to take on a daily basis like am supposed to, now I feel even more disgusted and defeated by taking and feel even more self hatred for even needing to take them.

This is going to just a quickie blog, and I'm going to start it off with a question I have been toying with the idea of doing a blog entry every day for a month, possibly next month, and would like to know what you my readers think. Would you like to see me post something every day weather it be a long blog or a short little reflection?

I just don't get it,  it seems that on shows like House Hunters  , Property Virgins  , And My First Place  seem to be populated by so many people my age, and they have budgets that I could only dream of!  I don't get what I am doing wrong I scrimp and save, I stuff the vast majority of my paycheck away into savings each week with automatic transfer! I live less then extravagantly I'm about the most frugal person that I know, and have absolutely no debt.

So I have spent some time today editing and cropping some of the photos I took yesterday at one of my favorite spots to get away and do some reflecting, which happens to be the spot that I shoot my latest YouTube video .  I thought that I would share them today as they are about the only form of self expression that is not winding up being totally frustrating for me right now.  So please do enjoy.

It would seem that for as much flack as the US get especially in international press for an anti-Muslim environment, a good chunk of Europe is not fare behind and is jumping into territory all but the most extreme in the US would be shocked to see come to reality. While in the US in some circles, usually the those of the religious right wing their is much vocal ant-Muslim sentiment raised over many issues especially that of constructing mosques, and banning them which a vast majority brushes aside as plain and simple bigotry with absolutely no basis in reality, the idea of actual banning any part of openly practicing their religion as an utter violation not only of their own rights as a human being but also a violation of their rights and freedoms under the constitution. Yet in France they have already passed a law banning Muslim woman from waring niqab which for some is a very important part of their religion.

As has been floating around the blogosphere (more in depth here and here ) and news yet another gay teen has tragically taken their own life.  One could easily spend pages and pages condemning those who bullied and ostracized him, the teachers, principals and school that did nothing to stop it, the pollutions and social opinion makers who spew such toxic anti gay filth from their mouths on an almost daily basses, and how they have the blood of his death and deaths of many more before on their hands.  Yet no matter how true that is those that are easiest to blame and those that hold so much responsibility are also the ones that don't give a damn ether, yes they may fain dismay, shock or regret for a few moments but then before one can even blink their eyes they will be back to their despicable ways.  Yet this tragic loss also brings to light so much more nastiness, nastiness that is if not even more despicable at least as despicable as that which lead up to this horrible out come.

So I thought that I would share a recipe that I invented in part one morning while making a breakfast omelet and turned into a really tasty dinner, it may sound a little odd but trust me it is good, after all my brother who is one of the finicky eaters I know actually liked it too, so I'm sure it will be a hit with others.

So I'm being faced with the fact and starting to be forced with trying to truly change the fact that in my life and my view of my self I have many many ideas and ideals about how I should be that totally conflict with the reality of what I am how I am, and what actually makes me happy.  One of the biggest ones that also seems to be particularly hard to deal with is my negative views of my self when it comes to my sexuality, the way that I can and my natural manorisms. It is something that almost totally conflicts and is something that seems to be so deeply ingrained and no matter how much when it is looked at in a logical way somehow the assumptions and unattainable ideals still seem so right and like to see things other wise is some how simply just wrong. Then add to the fact that I don't understand why I feel this way and see things in this way which should not matter when it comes to the fact that they are illogical and thus are something that should be jettisoned like the

Welcome my dear readers, it has been way to long since in have posted a blog entry, but in part this is a good sign in disguise, this is because in part I have been busy with work, but also because I have been busy finally getting my life back in order from my last bought of depression.  As part of that I have been working almost weekly with my physiatrist on discovering issues that I have, leaning ways for me to become more aware of the things that I think and start to examine why I think those things and to evaluate if those ways of thinking are helping me or hurting me.  I am just starting down what is clearly going to be a long and not necessarily easy path towards the goal of creating a more balanced and thus healthier me.  As part of that I have also been working on decluttering my life, going threw my stuff and clearing out the clutter that has accumulated in my room and all my little storage spots.  This has though taken up quite a chunk of my time, and my attention unfortunate

I know it has been a while since my last post, but I guess that is water under the bridge now, and instead of trying to give a quick recap of everything that has happened since my last post, which given the abilities of my memory (especially the lack of it and especially to put things in a proper chronological order) would be destined to be a confusing failure, instead I will jump head long into this blog and the issues that have spawned it. I am seeing (and have been seeing) a psychiatrist (on a practical weekly basis) since after my oh so lovely hospitalization , however I don't quite know what to make of it, nor am I quite sure if it is actually working, then again I'm not quite sure what the goal is, or how the "treatment path" that is being fallowed is supposed to work let alone what would constitute progress along that path to it as yet to me unknown final destination.  I don't know that any sort of head way is being made then again I also don't really

I know that it has been a while since my last post, and this is going to be a quick update as I really don't have a lot of time.  I have not been doing the best but have been trudging along and pushing myself threw it, and hoping to be able to find the light at the end of the tunnel soon.  That and starting at the 1st of July the remodel of our kitchen started so that has been stressful.  I will not be able to do any real blogging for at least the next two weeks as I am out of my room for them as the drywalls and painters work on fixing the dry wall and repainting the whole upstairs of the house, so every thing has moved into my room and my parents have taken it over. I'm not the most social right now that and since I don't actually have any "privet time" on my computer the only way that I can blog is by sending it in as an email from my Cell, which as you can guess it takes a heck of a lot of time to compose.  Not only that but for the most part I have been ver

What is pride?  I could give a history lesson on how pride first started along with the modern gay rights movement with the stone wall riots, but I think by now that is something that if not all most know, and if they don't they can easily find out or find some one that dose.  Instead I want to try to answer the question of what is pride what dose it mean now and what dose it stand for now.  I want to answer this because like every other thing in life as time has passed things have changed somethings for the better some possibly not all depending on ones view, but they have not stayed statically the same, as that is all but imposable in life.

 Health and being healthy is not always as simple as it would seem and is not always something that you can see and tell simply by looking at some one else, their is one big aspect of health that often can't easily be seen just by looking at some one and that the only way to actually know about is for them to open up to you and tell you how they are doing, and honestly tell you if anything is wrong.  That is mental health, a subject that even though much effort has been put into trying to destigmatize and is something that still has very negative stigmas attached to much of it and that it is still often quite culturally acceptable to portray in very negative lights and stereotypes.   It is the kind of health that can and is often struggle with in the dark, and where having an issue or even an "disorder" is something that still carries a heavy negative weight with it our culture.  It is also something that even if one is willing to admit that their might be something wrong

What is control and what dose it mean to be in control?  Is control keeping people even your own family and friends at arms length, not letting them see you, or know fully what is ever going on with you, only giving them rear glimpses control?  Is burying your emotions as deep as you can so that those around you can't ever see what they truly are control?  Is lying to others and telling half truths control?  Is not taking or doing anything that can control your mood even medications, control?  Or are all of these things really signs of being out of control and just desperate grasps at some level of control?  I don't know the answer to these questions because I do keep my friends and family at, at least an arms length so that they don't truly see me, who I am and what I am going threw.  I bury my emotions so deeply most of the time that really it is hard for people to know truly what I am feeling, I lie and tell half truths to those around me.  This blog is one of the only p

This seems to happen a lot, even with in the gay community, others are judged on if they are the right kind of gay.  It's bad enough that those outside of the community insist on having a say on if one is gay enough, but them those inside have to as well.  For me I seem to fall in that strange middle ground at times, from those outside of the gay community IE straight people seem to know that I'm gay and I have been told by coworkers that even before I confirmed it to them, that I was pretty obvious and they spotted it from like a mile away.  But when it comes to other inside of the community I seem to be viewed as ether not gay enough, or trying to be "heteronormative" simply for being who I am.  It is a spot that I do find to be a little frustrating at times as no one like to really be analyzed in such a way let alone to be the odd man out, as it seems like their is a very set standard on what one must be in order to actually be a correct gay.

I know that one way to define crazy is to do the same things over and over again and expect a different out come, and I also know that to an extent that is exactly what I am contemplating as an option when it comes to how to deal with, handling my disorder.  I know that not taking medications leads me to keep on cycling and that doing so could very well possibly land me ether back in a hospital or worse dead from my own doing.  Yet I am still wondering if I should do medications or if I should forgo them against what seems to be a face of most recommended medical advice, and research for that matter.

Like I said I was probably going to do I am going to be spending some time doing, I am going to be talking more about the recent events in my personal life as well as some other issues that I am facing and choices and all that other good stuff that I am going to be having to make and things that I am going to actually have to come to terms with.  To save some time and to avoid needlessly repairing things I will simply drop a link to the last pos t so that those who have missed it can get caught up, and so that I can pick up right where I want to start anyway, I would also like to direct you to a post from Bryan at Gay Family Values  which after reading his brilliantly written post has inspired me to open up some more and to share more as well. 

I know that many of you, have been scared by my posts lately, and to be perfectly honest so was I as they where raw expressions of how I felt and exactly what I was thinking when I wrote them, even a little held back and restrained if that is possible.  I also know that my sudden disappearance from not only my blog but all my web profiles might have scared you too.  For that I would like to apologize, but also tell you that it was because I was in a place where I would be safe and where I could get some help and get pointed once again in the right direction with a path out of the darkness along with a light at the end of the long tunnel to strive to reach.  I will probably blog on this who episode and experience in much more depth tomorrow and in the upcoming days, and explain much more clearly and precisely exactly what happened. but for now I will tell you that (and I have no shame in saying it, as at times every one gets in over their head and needs help out) I had/have been in the

I keep asking my self this and I don't even think the answer is yes,  I don't feel that there is truly anything that can be done to make this pain go away, let alone stay away.  To make my life worth anything, to stop the hurt that I inflict on others simply by living.  I don't understand why I feel this way why I am this way, and I don't see any way to actually escape it ether while still living.  I feel so ashamed of my self, so worthless and out of control too. 

This may seem a bit late but instead of simply talking about, and poking fun at the fact that the world in fact did not end at 6pm in each timezone on the 22nd, I instead want to share my views on why I think that not only dose this sort of stuff continue to pop up in this day and age but why a surprising large number of "the faithful" seem to so incomprehensibly believe this sort of stuff often with out any question. I think that this has the power to reveal a fundamental issue with the direction that faith is taking in many places with America being a very prime example of this.

I have come to the realization is that I have to come clean not only with my self, but with others, and that I let this out into the open.  I need to do this, not only so that it is not hanging over my head, even in an outlet where I have been the most able to freely talk about all aspects of my life, but so that I can start to remove some of the shame from the other more closed off areas of my public life.  Hopefully by doing so this should allow me to take some of the fear that this will be discovered which has also been keeping me from finding out more about what this really means and how to make things better for my self.

I pray for the strangth not to give in to the pain to not give into the path out that seems to easy and painless, the parth that will put an end to all of this, to all of the pain, to the inveloping darkness that my life is once again becomeing.  I pray for the stranght to make it threw this test, I pray that I make it threw this test, with out falling.  I pray that I this pain go away, that I be freed from all of this, I pray because I can't keep going like this, I don't have the stranght that I have had in the past, and it hurts so much more now, I don't have the power to overcome that I once had.  I pray that the fears be taken away that I don't have to be faced with them, that I don't have to be practicaly cripled by these frears again, these fears that I though I had delt the final blow to so many times before now.  I don't know that I have the strangth to deal with these fears any more.  Please god help me, I can't go threw this again, I don't

I really do want to die, rather then feel like I do now, to feel the most crushing pain, sorrow, hopelessness, guilt and absolute worthlessness.  With my mind raceing out of control, and the most conflicting needs to run and scream and do everything and anything possible, yet to also curl up in a ball, to disappear and to shut down completely.  I would rather overdose my way into a sleep I would never again wake from then to feel this way anymore!

This is the question, unfortunately I don't know that the answer is at all simple, as the secret is one that to reveal I have fear with only make others if not fear me, see me in very badly stigmatized light.  As this secret is one that pertains to a subject that is less then embraced with understanding then with stigma of terrible things and personal weakness and failing.  A stigma that I don't want to be linked with; yet to not share it means that I keep it bottled under wraps, and in the process fear others knowing or learning about it and feel shame over it that I should not feel and should not have to feel. It also means that it is very hard to connect with others because I can't actually share of my self, as to do so and to be able to share with them how I feel, why I feel that way and even my fears and even why I fear some of them, because in order to do so they would have to know what the big secret is.  So I sit here unsure what to do, and trapped in the cage of

After a series of long talks with a friend today much light has finally been shed on what has ultimately been causing me so much trouble, along with the fact that with out making changes to how I am living and my ways of thought, the problems would not only fail to resolve them selves but that they will in fact only get worse as they drag on.  It is with this knowledge and in the spirit of wanting to improve my life that I declare that it is time for me to start a new chapter, to do my best to wipe the slate clean and start afresh.

I find that I'm asking my self these very questions all the time, yet it is a question that I still don't seem to know the answer to.  I feel so lost and often even trapped in my own mind, like some times I am watching a movie so detached from it rather then actually living my life, so detached that at times when I ask these questions and start to analyze then it is like in analyzing who some one else is then really dealing with my self.  I find this to be one of the most frustrating feelings I know, as it leads me to feel lost and like I an some how not me but that some one else who is just watching a movie about some one else life a great chunk of the time.  I know that this probably sounds totally off the deep-end crazy yet it is a feeling that I have know for a good chunk of my life now.  Even know it feels as if their is a disconnect as I am writing this. I think the best way to describe it is I feel almost like an animal trapped in a cage like at a zoo, there are things

I don't know if this will come as a surprise to some of you but I am not at all a self confident person, at least when I am in a face to face type social situation.  It may seem strange that I am so open when it comes to sharing with others on the web, and really am much more confident on the web then I am when it comes to with others face to face, but I think part of it is the anonymity and the fact that you aren't physically right there and trying to read the person, based on what they are saying, how they are and their body language.  It kind of freeing in a way.

So after rereading the last letter I posted for the umpteenth time, and also restudying the "proper" way to write Congressional representatives for the umpteenth time again as well, I finally decide that I was not quite happy with that letter, which I still had not mailed yet, and that instead it was time to start over again make another attempt at writing House Majority Leader John Boehner another letter.  Which I did, so after the jump is my letter to John Boehner version 2.0.

So I wrote a letter to House Majority Leader John Boehner, to express my experience of disappointment and frustration at the lack of marriage equality, and to call him to change his actions and instead support marriage equality. After the jump, it the letter in its uncut entirety 

I am writing this in response to a blog post by Bryan from Gay Family Values in the wake of a filmed beating at a McDonald's of an trans women, if you have not read Bryan's blog  post I highly recommend that you do, as it is great as always.  I am writing this as a blog post because I feel that I have to much that I wish to say as to my belief on a small part of the explanation to the questions that Bryan rises then could be rightly fit into a simple post in a comment section.

This is a question that seems to me to be becoming and increasingly important part of the political landscape in the US, and it is a question that the answer should be clearly obvious to yet it seems that it is not nearly as clear to most as it seems to be to me.  To me it would seem if you where looking for a group that where standing on the grounds of what is morally right and what is morally wrong, for the most part you could not get further from the truth unless you teamed up with the devil himself.  For morality only seems to be used like one might use gold leaf to make a less the savory item seem to be far better then it actually is. 

So I have promptly managed to brake my attempt to do a blog every day, in big part because silly me I forgot that I was going to have a lot of extra stuff going on as well as constant guest in my room as the upstairs has the Asbestos popcorn ceilings removed.  Which involves removing everything from the upstairs into ether the garage or my room.  And because our dog who is afraid of people and also very unhappy when it comes to change is going to have to stay in the house, I have gained him and my brother in my room, as well as my parents to help keep our dog as comfortable as possible.  Luckily as long as things go as planed by 9am on Thursday we should be able to start moving back upstairs, thus giving me my room back.

For today's post I'm going to share some songs that I really like, that also fit really well as the music track to my life right now. The first song is Lucky In Love by Sherrie Austin It quite obviously fits as the musical track to my love life, which has been anything but well lucky. The next songs are actually quite conflicting in their emotions but they are ones that show a clear picture of how I am emotionally. 

I know it has been quite some time since I have posted, and on that note I am going to set for myself the goal of blogging something every day for the rest of the month.  Fingers crossed I will accomplish this goal and get back in the habit of sharing with you my life and my views on the world that surrounds me.  I have dropped out of the picture for a while in part because I allowed my self to get so overwhelmed with it that in order to reset and deal with it I had to totally drop away from everything that I could.  In that time the second attempt at buying a place fell threw on some big nasty surprises turned up during the inspection, which is some what of a long story that I no longer want to get into as it is firmly the past and there is nothing I can do to change that.  How ever much more firmly routed in the future is another disastrous adventure for me in the world of dating, I really am beginning to think that my dating life is some sort of plot for a dating disaster book as

Like the title says I am currently very stressed worried and anxious, to the extreme and for a number of compounding reasons, in which timing is not the best at all.  First off I am not a great waiter and I tend to get inpatient and then anxious worried and panicky when I have to wait, especially when I am left waiting with out much if any control and nothing I can do to make things necessarily come out the way that I want them to come out.

So again I have been keeping an eye on what is out there in the way of places to buy and have started to shift back towards the idea of a condo especially with there being a selection in town that is with in grasp, yet it seems that as things come withing grasp other events threaten to pull them back out of grasp.

Seeing as there is already so much written out there about the Obama administrations decision for the DOJ to stop def fending the Protect Marriage Act, I feel no relay need to write about it.  Instead I am going to write on another subject that is increasingly in the new more and more lately, and that is labor rights and the right to unionize and collectively bargain, a god given right that is increasingly under attack not only by corporations and their super wealthy leaders but by their own elected politicians them selves too, who are increasingly playing a part in doing everything they can do to bust up the unions as well as waging a war against the middle class in this country.

As some of my close friends, and coworkers know, the day before valentine's day was not exactly the best day it could have been, instead it marked one more time, in a string of times that one of my relationships had come to an end with me being dumped painfully out of the blue, leaving me emotionally destroyed like a ship smashed aground on the sharp rock of some sea side cliff.  This being a territory that is not at all unknown to me as only on one occasion has a relationship of mine ended where I have not been dumped by the guy that I was seeing. 

Working retail of course i know that Valentine's day is going to be apon us sooner then we realize, which is why I have been thinking about it quite a bit lately.  I have never been one of the holidays biggest fans, in part because I have almost always been single for it and in other part because it is such an over hyped spectacle.  Even though I'm in a relationship I'm still not jazzed that it's almost here, for one thing both of us work that day (as well as live an hour apart) which just about kills the day from the start.  Then secondly is the outside presure that, that day must be the most over the top romantic day.  Now don't get me wrong I like romantic, and I like being romantic, however forced romance is not something im good at or like.  maybe I'm odd, but when I feel expected and presued to be romantic and show my love is when I find doing so to be hard and unpleasant.  I find that when I'm preoccupied with having to be so, is when im actually  l

Once again I am trying to get back on the wagon of trying to lose weight, something that I have not had much luck with for a while.  So this time my goal is a more modest 10lbs for the whole year.  This is something that I want to do for one thing to be healthier  and closer to my healthy weight, as well as to improve my appearance.  I am hoping that I will have better luck then any of the other times that I have tried in the recent past, I have set higher goals in the past but this time my goal is 185lbs (with my healthy weight being 165-170)  and right now I am between 195-196.  I have been around this wight for the last couple of years seemingly no matter how much effort I put in which has always caused me to get discouraged and give up in the past. 

I thought I would talk about this topic today as I know it is not something that is exclusive to me but it also seems to be something that no matter how much I try to work on and how many times I think I have dealt with them they always bubble up to the surface.  Most dramatically when in the starting stages of a possible relationship.  It seems that they come out of no where, from the murky depths where reason goes to die, and where rationality rules supreme, a place that is all but impossible to penetrate and thus the ultimate strong hold.

It has been a while since I have posted anything, in part that has been simply because I have been so busy (yeah I know a lousy excuse) and another part has been that so many things have gone on that I have not felt like posting right away/ that I did not really want to get into at the time.  I am going to totally skip over the current events in the news as every one knows what they are, instead I think I will do a quick update on what is going on with me and all that good jazz.