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Illogical Inescapable Self Ideals

So I'm being faced with the fact and starting to be forced with trying to truly change the fact that in my life and my view of my self I have many many ideas and ideals about how I should be that totally conflict with the reality of what I am how I am, and what actually makes me happy.  One of the biggest ones that also seems to be particularly hard to deal with is my negative views of my self when it comes to my sexuality, the way that I can and my natural manorisms. It is something that almost totally conflicts and is something that seems to be so deeply ingrained and no matter how much when it is looked at in a logical way somehow the assumptions and unattainable ideals still seem so right and like to see things other wise is some how simply just wrong. Then add to the fact that I don't understand why I feel this way and see things in this way which should not matter when it comes to the fact that they are illogical and thus are something that should be jettisoned like the trash that they logically are, but some how that lack of understanding as to why those beliefs are there and so deeply ingrained some how seems to give them power, and a since that discarding them is somehow a mistake.

I mean from a logical point of view the idea that some how I need to be more masculine then I am when I have no real clue how to be so let alone when to do so actively is also counterproductive to being happy with my self, it would seem there for easy to come to the conclusion that then this ideal of what I should be and how I should behave and model my self is something that should be thrown on the scrap heep of mistaken and just plain useless ideas. Yet to it seems that to not understand why I feel this way some how indicates that indeed this ideal is some how valid and that instead what I need to change is my self in relation to it, yet as has been established over a very long period of time and many, many clear failure is the fact that it is an almost futile attempt to do so, and that even to do so just brings discontent, anger, disappointment and self disgust just the same as not meeting this ideal.

Yet is like if only I could get those pieces to fall into place I could change what I see as my biggest failure, which even though logic says I really have no control over,  I still see it as my biggest failure, and that is the fact that I am gay.  It seems that if only I could be masculine enough and only I could work at that hard enough that it will cause me to be straight.  I still am very disappointed and angry with my self for my inability to bring this about when I was younger, my inability to be masculine enough to keep from feeling the attractions that I still feel so filthy for feeling towards other guys, that if only I had not been so weak I could have kept my self from becoming gay, and instead turned out straight.  Even though I know on a logical side that his is absolutely untrue, I still can't seem to give it up to let it go and to instead embrace the fact that I'm gay and that it is perfectly fine to be gay, even though when it comes to others I don't see anything wrong with being gay, yet when it comes to my self it it just about totally unacceptable and something that I should be ashamed of.  It is like always being at war with my self.

I feel so threatened by my own desires and my own inability to fit into the ideas that I don't even understand why I hold them of how I should be that I am afraid of just about every thing to do with me actually being gay, whether that is me being in a relationship as when I am I just feel so filthy and disgusted that it makes being in one almost torture.  It feels like a failing something that should be hidden from the world around me something that I should be ashamed if others know.  I feel even worse and more ashamed when others are supportive of it and accepting.  Something that I know is totally illogical yet to ask me to try to remove this illogicality is just about tantamount to asking me to remove my arm.

This is one of the biggest issues as it one that I can't escape it is not something that I can leave behind for the weekend as it is a part of who I am and a part of something that I must live with every day. like I can with my over expectations of my self in many other parts of my life, yet even those I am at a lose on how to actually let them go.  It is like a tape stuck on a loop yet no matter how much I dislike the loop it is even scarier to turn the tape off.  Then there is the fact that even if I could get past the fear of stopping these tapes from looping I don't even know how to do so as simply using logic to combat them obviously dose not work, because otherwise it would not be a problem.

And once again dear readers thank you for letting me use your ears.


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