A North West View

So I am not going to quite be able to do much in depth blogging here soon, as tomorrow my Grandparents come to visit for a while and they will be staying in my room (and I feel quite awkward trying to blog when another person might be able to see what I am writing before I have had a chance to finish it) that and it's crunch time to get ready for Christmas and goodness knows I still need to find boxes and get things wrapped!  Now add to that fun that I now have to make an appointment some time after Christmas to have about $1100 of work done on my car because I avoided hitting the idiot that decided they need to drive partway in their lane part way in mine and drove me into the wall on the shoulder, scratching my finder totally shredding the trim strip on both passenger side doors and putting a small dent in the leading edge of the rear passenger door, so now not only do I have to take that money out of my savings I have to go with out my car for 4days at some point and barrow one

I have been wondering lately about what increasing seems to be an intertwined relationship between so many of the issues that I have and the things that cause me to have such a hatred towards my self, that I now wounder if they might has some intertwined and related cause/root that lies beneath them.  I am beginning to wounder if I might not have uncovered a clue to them in the combination of my different blog post and even more so in the recent journaling that I have taken up doing, especially considering that I conjunction with that I have been starting to allow my self to actually feel and experience my emotions and at the same time start to question why it is that I am experiencing them, and quite often it seems to be surfacing that like I have been away in the past the ways that I feel towards my self are not necessarily on the logical side, especially when compared to the way that I feel towards others for the same things. Yet I am not at all sure if this theory is correct of it

So I am considering starting to keep a journal, to hopefully write in daily, about how my day went how I feel and all those sorts of things to try and help clear my mind a little and maybe even allow me to more easily see things and figure things out about my self, stuff that for the most part would probably be quite boring and not something that others would necessarily want to read, so have no fear I don't plan on turning my blog into any more of a journal then it already is.  But I was wondering if any of my readers keep a journal, and if you do what do you do to stick with it?  As I have tried to keep a journal at multiple points in the past with out a whole lot of luck, even though I found quite often simply putting the thoughts down on paper is almost therapeutic in a way.  Not only that but it is also a much more privet format one in which I am not nearly as bound to worry about proper grammar or my lack of spelling abilities. 

What do I see when I look at my self, not physically but as a person, which is something that I don't ever really share because people inevitably never actually know how to respond or what to make of how ti is that I actually feel about my self, and not only that but I have been burned enough times in the past that I also fear giving others stuff that they can use as ammunition to hurt me at some point in the future. After all I guess how are people supposed to respond when you tell them that you don't like your self, let alone but that in fact you see your self as a stupid, weak,worthless and genuinely a crummy failure of  person that really dose not have much of anything to offer the people around them let alone the wold. I don't know why I view my self this way.

I am at a loss on how to deal with the issues that I have when it comes towards my feeling about my self, especially when it comes to my sexuality, what makes it all the more confusing is that the feelings that I hold towards my self and how I feel about being gay when it comes to my self are totally the opposite of my feelings when it comes to other people who are gay.  When I say opposite I mean exact polar opposite feelings, and I don't know how to over come my feelings towards my self with the acceptance that I have for others, so that I can actually believe for my self things like what my mom posted on my Facebook wall in reaction to my last blog (which I posted forgetting she had a Facebook since she never uses it) " You did not choose to be gay and no one meeting you would guess you were gay i had no clue you were until you told me and I knew some growing up and a lot at work. I love you no matter what and you are not disgusting."