A North West View

This post is inspired by this weeks topic on A Gay Collab  which is about the mask that you wear, and for me that is the mask of being calm, causes, in control, and OK.  This is the mask that I ware for all to see, this blog is one of the few places that I let is slip, and there are precious few people that have intimate glimpses of me with out my mask. I wear the mask that I want to world to see not only because I am afraid and convinced that they would judge me harshly, but because it is partly the me that I wish was real.

Well like I promised I would, I am posting a quick little update blog, so that you (my readers) don't worry too much.  Well yesterday I had my appointment with my pdoc (I like this abbreviation for psychiatrist better then what I have used in the past) I guess it went as well as could be expected all things considered.I I feel that I made a fool and a idiotic spectacle of my self, but I guess that is another thing all together.  Well I am still not sure how I feel about it, but I left the appointment with a new prescription, although I am not sure that is what I really wanted nor if it is what I want. That and an appointment for next week as well, which is something that I do want.   I guess the idea of the new prescription is to try to help level me out and deal with some of the symptoms that have been bothering me the most lately, but I am now not sure now if I really want to do that or not. (I know real decisive of me, then agai...

For today's post I'm going to share some songs that I really like, that also fit really well as the music track to my life right now. The first song is Lucky In Love by Sherrie Austin It quite obviously fits as the musical track to my love life, which has been anything but well lucky. The next songs are actually quite conflicting in their emotions but they are ones that show a clear picture of how I am emotionally. 

With the fact that I accepted the sellers counter offer today, I thought that I would post and share some of the myriad of thoughts that have been mixing and mingling in my mine of late.  As those of you that have been fallowing along will know by now, the place that I am buying is in a little suburban development in an area outside of the city that I work and currently reside in, something that I am quite happy with at for me it is allowing my to buy into my own little piece of the suburban American dream, which for me is a standalone single family home on a quarter acer lot.  Which for me is part of the essence of the american dream, and one of the big blocks that is part of building a life.  Now as some of you may also know I have been wondering about if I will ever be able to build the other part of that life and that is a family of my own to fully fulfill my suburban Americ...

So for those of you that don't know and that would be all of you, I was trying to set up a coffee date with a charming guy that I had met online (names and descriptions left out to protect the innocent) well amongst simple conversation of what he was up to he mentioned he was at Walmart shopping.  Now is time for every one to look at me like a two headed alien, to which I simply said I have not set foot in one in years they have very anti union practices, and I'm a proud and supportive union member. (UFCW) apparently something that in his book was a totally wrong and very bad thing to be, as he proceeded to say that was not good because unions are bad, and he did not give a damn about them.  No giant insurmountable deal, not ideal but not a show stop I thought, as I basically said as long as you don't bash mine we are fine.  Again apparently not good as he did not like unions at all, he did not like hearing about them, nor when people liked t...

I know it have been a while since my last post, but as one can probably predict I have been busy between work, the upcoming holidays and the fact that I am now actively hunting for houses.  Well yesterday I got to see two ones that I had been interested in from the outside and from their listings, which allowed one of them to be quite quickly after a good look threw be dropped right off the the contenders list.  While I expanded my search area and exclude one previously included area, with some new knowledge including commute time. So Thursday after I get off work, I am again meeting with my realtor, and should be seeing some other listings that I am interested in, and possibly finding some more to added to the list of possibilities.  So for the moment I am still in the process of finding the right property, at the right price in the the right area.  But I am still quite optimistic and excited to see more of what is out there.  I hope to find some more ti...

So I called the bank (Credit Union) today, and was told by the loan officer dealing with my application that the bank was ready to approve me for 100K and that all they need is to have the mortgage insurance company sign off on that.

Well not the news that I was expecting to share with you, nor the day I was expecting to share any relationship news with you.   Well seeing as it's 12:11 pm as I am writing this I was apparently dumped yesterday, just before I started work.  This all came as a surprise as to the best of my knowledge things with our relationship where going well,

Well a couple of my friends (from an auto form I'm part of) suggested that amongst talking to my boyfriend and letting him know that it will take time before I can introduce Dad to him and that doing so my likely bring with it negative reactions from Dad.  The other step of their advice is to try to feel the waters by letting him know that they is some one special in my life that would like to meet him sooner then latter.  Advice that I think is good advice, although it is advice that at least so far has not worked well.  I was thinking about that advice yesterday when I was upstairs watching TV/ talking with Mom and Dad,

So Adam (my boyfriend) has been talking about meeting my family, especially my dad and brother after he briefly got to meet my mom (who really wants to get to spend more time with him and to get to know him better) and spending some time with my best friend.  I can totally understand his wanting to meet my dad, as for one thing I live with my family, and for the fact that most people want to meet the parents of their partner as it is one of the things that signifies the seriousness of a relationship.  I would love to introduce him to my Dad as much as he would like to meet him, but I don't feel that it is that easy and I'm not sure how or if that will be possible and unfortunately not only dose that make me unhappy but it also adds a level of complication to the relationship that I don't feel should have to be there.  I really wish that I felt introducing Dad to Adam would be as easy as it should be, and as I feel Adam would like it to be, however I think that it is som...

As the title probably makes clear I have returned from my vacation, well really I returned Sunday afternoon but with unpacking, jet lag and some caching up with friends this is the first chance I have had to sit down and write about it.  As some of you may know I went to upstate New York with mom to visit the area that she grew up in and to meet relatives, which was exciting for me because the last time that I had been back out east to meet mom's side of the family was before I was 5.  So for me even though I had meet most all of these relative (with the exception of those born way after my last visit) I did not remember meeting them.  That and getting to see the different places that mom talks about from when she was a kid.

Today I am going to take a brake from some of the more political and deep social topics and instead just talk do a little bit about me and just some of the things that have been on my mind lately. So as the title implies this post will have some songs thrown in with it as well that I think will help set the mood, plus let me share some of my favorite songs with you all.  So join me after the jump!

Ok so as you all know I have issues going on that are not as under control (no where near as under control) as I would like them to be, now this would make dating complicated enough for any one, as it is admittedly hard to date when you have basically almost no real handle on your own personal life let alone personal emotional state. Which is a pretty important aspect of being able to be able to get your self in a place where you can even start to be ready for a relationship, let alone be able to maintain one, when and if one actually develops.  How ever I thing and do strongly feel that throwing being gay in on top of that adds another layer of complication in that makes it even harder,  I think in addition to the big enfaces on appearance, there is almost what seems like a disproportionate discrimination against dealing with "damaged goods".  It dose not seem to matter how much they like the person or how great they seem to think they are, once they since that they...

Again just letting you all know that I have not disappeared, but things for me are not going well right now. I am basically going from one emotional extreme to the other very rapidly lately especially even more so over the last couple of days including today.  The last few hours have been the worst as I have been stuck in one of my oh so FUN FUN mixed happy depressed states.  I don't know when I will be posting anything of substance, but I will try to keep you informed. But at the moment all I want is to actually be a normal functional person, but unfortunately that seems to much to ask of the powers that be, as they seem to want me to curse me with an being in an emotional out of control state where I go crashing from moment to moment at the drop of a hat form one extreme to another with good amounts of rage thrown in for good measure. 

OK so I know that this is not particularly a "gay issue" but it is still something that I would like to post about as it is a me issue at the moment and it is why I have not been posted in two days.  As I have established in one of my previous post   Link  I have an "issue" (post will clear up what if you have not read please do) well things have decided to act up quite a bit agent lately, and I am back on the fun fun emotional veering roller coaster, along with well being some what underlying depressed yet not at the same time.I know fun fun, which as one can imagine makes it slightly challenging to sit down and write coherently on a subject.  I would like to apologise to my readers and assure them that I will be doing my best to try to get something good posted as soon as possible. as always feel free to comment or message me if you wish.  Have a great day.