A North West View

As some of you may know yesterday March 30th was the very first International Bipolar Day, a day that is supposed to help raise awareness about Bipolar Disorder and to also help and eliminate the stigma that surrounds it. Well I found myself watching a steady stream of post celebrating that day and doing just what the day is intended to do, to put a face to bipolar disorder and do their little part to work at ending the stigma.  I found my self wanting to like those post to show support for them, but in the end (like everyday something good or interesting about it pops up in my news feed) I did not like the post, out of fear of my friends, and even extended family seeing not only that I liked the post but the page that the post where posted in. I know this may sound odd to all of you seeing as how I share that about my self on this blog, but in real live hardly anyone knows about it at all, least of all my friends and coworkers.

I have come to the realization is that I have to come clean not only with my self, but with others, and that I let this out into the open.  I need to do this, not only so that it is not hanging over my head, even in an outlet where I have been the most able to freely talk about all aspects of my life, but so that I can start to remove some of the shame from the other more closed off areas of my public life.  Hopefully by doing so this should allow me to take some of the fear that this will be discovered which has also been keeping me from finding out more about what this really means and how to make things better for my self.

This is the question, unfortunately I don't know that the answer is at all simple, as the secret is one that to reveal I have fear with only make others if not fear me, see me in very badly stigmatized light.  As this secret is one that pertains to a subject that is less then embraced with understanding then with stigma of terrible things and personal weakness and failing.  A stigma that I don't want to be linked with; yet to not share it means that I keep it bottled under wraps, and in the process fear others knowing or learning about it and feel shame over it that I should not feel and should not have to feel. It also means that it is very hard to connect with others because I can't actually share of my self, as to do so and to be able to share with them how I feel, why I feel that way and even my fears and even why I fear some of them, because in order to do so they would have to know what the big secret is.  So I sit here...

So I really would like to encourage all my reads to read my newly edited and improved previous  post , as this one will be some what of a continuation of that one. It is going to be changing gears somewhat, I do promise it will be much less of a "bitch and moan fest".  Instead this post is going to be focusing much more on concrete material, as well as much more personal material, that I hope will help me by providing some form of open almost liberation, but also to help you my readers understand me and were I'm coming from better. I have also decided that in keeping with the very personal spirit of this post, all the decorative photography in it will be mine, so I do hope you enjoy it.