A North West View

So how do you get to the point where the wheels are flying off the your manic high, especially when you are supposedly supposed to be educated on your disorder.  For me that is at once a complicated and in ways a simple question.  It is complicated because there are so many warning signs to be missed or to be shoved under the rug, and yet so simple because it is rooted in the fact that your brain is saying that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about, when in fact if you value your mental stability and balance, like I do, there is very much to be worried about.  This is not just so abstract question that I ponder in my mind like an artifact displayed in a case at a museum, it is something that is a very real part of my life and something that I am living through at this very moment. 

As some of you may know yesterday March 30th was the very first International Bipolar Day, a day that is supposed to help raise awareness about Bipolar Disorder and to also help and eliminate the stigma that surrounds it. Well I found myself watching a steady stream of post celebrating that day and doing just what the day is intended to do, to put a face to bipolar disorder and do their little part to work at ending the stigma.  I found my self wanting to like those post to show support for them, but in the end (like everyday something good or interesting about it pops up in my news feed) I did not like the post, out of fear of my friends, and even extended family seeing not only that I liked the post but the page that the post where posted in. I know this may sound odd to all of you seeing as how I share that about my self on this blog, but in real live hardly anyone knows about it at all, least of all my friends and coworkers.

I would like to start off by saying that I know with every fiber of my being that God is a part of my life and that he has never left my side and that he never will, of that I have no doubt. I however wonder though what I have done to diserve to be made to be be gay, and that no amount of praying has or ever will change that.  Leaving me to admit deffet and giving up on that change.  A song played over the radio at work the other day, that reminded me of the time in my life when I finaly had to admit failure on my part on being able to change that part of me.  To have to admit that I was not good enough to change that part of me.  That no matter how much I tired and I prayed that I was just not good enogh to be able to change that.  I often wounder what I did and what I have done to doserve to be made gay. Then there is being made to be bipolar, what did I do to deserve this? To diserve to have a surious mental ilness that requires me to take medication for th...

So recently I realsed that it has now been over two years since my last relationship ended and that in that time I have been in nothing close to a relationahip.  Matter of fact in that two years I have only gone on two dates! I knew that it had been a while since I had been in a relationahip but it did come as a  shock to realise that it had been that long, to tell the truth I think that it is the longest that I have gone since I came out without being in any type of relqtionship.  in that time I can't say that I have not been lonely becuase there have been many times that I have been quiet lonely, yet at the same time I have had no will to actualy seek out a relationship let alone a date.

While being balanced mode wise is something that is good and something that I am glad to be, although I do wish that my medications made me feel less drained like I have been dragging a heavy weight around with me while I do things, in part because my mind seems to be sort of slow and just not totally with it at times leaving it to take a lot of energy to concentrate and get things done and that mental energy also has a physical manifestation as well, and is what tends to make me feel the most drained. while it is good to be balanced it is hard to not want to have a taste of the forbidden fruit that I have been brought down from having a minor taste of and that is to be on the more manic side of things.  It is times like this when I know that the meds are keeping me from an amazing natural high, that it is so tempting just to stop taking my medications.

As some of you may or may not know May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and as such I thought I would write a blog post to try and help do my part to help raise awareness, and end the stigma of mental illness.  I also hope to show provide some hope in the process.  As many of you already know I have a mental illness, and that is Bipolar Disorder, which I was diagnosed with only relatively recently, about a year ago, although I have had it for a nice chunk of my life.  It is something that while I am still just in the beginning stages of starting to understand and control, I don't feel that it is something that I should have to be ashamed of or have to worry about others finding out about it.  unfortunately though there is quite a large amount of stigma that surrounds mental illness especially "serious mental illness", which they are for those that suffer from them (and those close to them as well)  unfortunately  though it also makes it sound scarier t...

Joyful flower While I am feeling worlds better than I have been, joy, happiness and optimism have once again returned to my life, which I am very thankful for.  At the same time though this has not cured all of the things that have been troubling my mind, it has just left me feeling like not touching them at all, which I guess is quite a natural response given the circumstances.  However it has become very clear to me that not dealing with them will not make them go away, but instead that it is only a temporary fix that only pushes them to a date further in the future which is quite often when it is hardest to deal with them. Not only that but leaving them festering inside they only eat up more and more of you making them that much more insidious.

Well like I promised I would, I am posting a quick little update blog, so that you (my readers) don't worry too much.  Well yesterday I had my appointment with my pdoc (I like this abbreviation for psychiatrist better then what I have used in the past) I guess it went as well as could be expected all things considered.I I feel that I made a fool and a idiotic spectacle of my self, but I guess that is another thing all together.  Well I am still not sure how I feel about it, but I left the appointment with a new prescription, although I am not sure that is what I really wanted nor if it is what I want. That and an appointment for next week as well, which is something that I do want.   I guess the idea of the new prescription is to try to help level me out and deal with some of the symptoms that have been bothering me the most lately, but I am now not sure now if I really want to do that or not. (I know real decisive of me, then agai...

I want to share with you one of the things that has the power to make my bouts of depression even worse, which would seem funny as being depressed is not very fun at all as it is.  Now I am not trying to say that I'm horribly depressed right now but I am seeing the clear signs that what has been just a low mode is starting to pick up speed and head down the familiar slope of slipping into a depression.  Now the speed with which

Flower Takes Bloom This really is really a multi-front process in my case with multiple stages of progress, but with each step forward it seems that the mental framing is only strengthened for those areas that are still lagging.  The biggest hurdle seems to simply be getting past the why me and the shame, but instead starting to embrace it. That which used to be a wrong, something that was bad, that should be hidden away, or fit to be ashamed of, it/they become things that instead of flaws are things that make me uniquely me, that they are strengths and as such they are things that I should be proud of that, should not have to be hidden away, but can become just as matter of fact parts of life as waking up in the morning or enjoying a good cup of (decaf) coffee.  It is also the recognition of the fact that if someone thinks lesser of you for what ever it may be, or if they have a problem with it, t...