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Issues That Still Haunt

Joyful flower
While I am feeling worlds better than I have been, joy, happiness and optimism have once again returned to my life, which I am very thankful for.  At the same time though this has not cured all of the things that have been troubling my mind, it has just left me feeling like not touching them at all, which I guess is quite a natural response given the circumstances.  However it has become very clear to me that not dealing with them will not make them go away, but instead that it is only a temporary fix that only pushes them to a date further in the future which is quite often when it is hardest to deal with them. Not only that but leaving them festering inside they only eat up more and more of you making them that much more insidious.


The first thing that is still on my mind and still bothers is my medications, (not physically as in side effects) even though I have resigned myself to the fact that they are going to play necessary part in my life, well for the rest of my life, if I want to be able to live life the sort of life that I want and as such build that life for myself.  I think what it is more the fact of the new medication that was added and from what I can tell seems to be having a very positive effect, (along with the upping in dose of my existing one) even though a part of me wishes that it wasn't simply so that I would not have to take it.

In part of because what type of drug the medication is considered, even though it has a range of uses for things that don’t approach what the name would suggest.  What I am getting at is that it is considered an “antipsychotic type” drug.  I know logically that they are not uncommon sort of drug used in conjunction with others to treat Bipolar Disorder, and that the use of such drugs does not at all indicate that one is or has been “psychotic” which I know I have not been.  I know in my case a big part of why I was given it was to help to “calm” my mind, to help deal with the fact that it would go racing during the day and at night making it hard to get to sleep.  Not only that but to sort of help in conjunction with my first medication with the exaggerated and unrealistic fears and guilt that I was experiencing.  Which it does quite well at and which in turn helps me function so much better at work. (and at home for that matter)  However it still somehow represents a blow to my view of myself, like somehow a last little refuge has slipped away. 

 It is like a final blow to the notion that I don’t really have anything wrong with me was made, and that now there really is no way to twist things to deny it, and it is like a part of what I was in the past has suddenly finally been pulled away. I know that logical this does not make sense, but sometimes in life logic just doesn't apply especially when it comes to emotions, and emotional reactions to events.  Because logically this should have come quite some time ago, after all I was diagnosed a little over two years ago, but after a relatively short and unsuccessful attempt to deal with my very mixed depression, things suddenly changed (along with me going from graveyards back to dayshift) and I then promptly decided I was all well and that the diagnosis was not true. At which point I stopped taking my meds against my pdoc’s(psychiatrist) at the times recommendation and stopped seeing him altogether Too. Which then lead to a short period of just being on top of the world, which like always eventually crashed, and when it did as my long time followers know it crashed hard.  It was then that I was hospitalized (for the first time ever) for being suicidally depressed, and I was once again diagnosed with Bipolar by the doctor at the hospital, at which point I finally forced to admit that this must be true, and that I would have to do something about it, and then resigned myself to it when my current pdoc confirmed the other two diagnoses. Yet in some way not being on a major psychiatric typ durg made it somehow fell like I was somehow less mentally ill even though with the addition of this drug nothing has actually changed about how my diagnosis at all.  Maybe it is just the different social programed stigma that comes along with the word, then the reality of the drug, but somehow it does make a difference in one's view of themselves.  It is like an old view died and I have to sort of mourn its passing so that I can ultimately accept the new view and work it into one that I can live with and works for me.

The second thing that has been I guess I could say is haunting me, is something that I have touched on before and even mention just a few moments ago in this post, and that is my hospitalization itself.  I say haunting me as for no clear reason to me I will be doing something, and all of a sudden it is like a brief clip of a disjointed movie just pops into my mind, from the very short time that I was in the hospitals “behavioral health” unit.  only unlike a movie along with it comes a lot of strong emotions, along with a very palatable fear, not just of something like that happening again, but of the memory fragment itself. I have also had brief I guess you could call it nightmares where bits of disjointed memory are mixed in with fictional constructions of my own mind but in such a way that it is all but impossible to remember what is a true piece of memory and what is just fiction of my mind's own creation. It is something that I don’t like experiencing and is something that I find to be very upsetting and extremely unpleasant, as well as disrupting and quite threatening in a way as well.
Lost window


I don’t know why I keep experiencing these as they seem to have been a relatively constant thing from some time after that threw to the present, and I do wish that they would just stop and go away.  Although recently they seem to be becoming more frequent, with my best guess being that it is in part to do with the fact that it is coming up on a year since well you can probably guess.  This is the thing that is bothering me the most as it is one that I can’t really seem to escape, and is the one thing that I feel most threatened by. If I could I would simply wish them away, I would wish on the first star of the night, rub a lucky rabbit foot, do any superstitious, to wish these random disjointed memories away.  Unfortunately doing any of that will have no affect on it, and I am at a honest loss about how to deal with it then, to try to shake them out of my head when they do pop up.

I know that this has been quite a long post and I would like to thank you all for baring with me and getting this far.  Goodbye until next time dear readers.    

Comments

  1. Its hard to realize that our bodies just dont work as expected, and to need the tether of meds to keep us in some sort of working order. I understand your feelings on this matter, but when there isnt really a choice in the matter, we must swallow our pride and just stick with the medicine regime.

    The only way to think about a lifetime of meds is to think of them in a way that makes it acceptable to you. You could look at it as a supply truck that is continually late so you have to make the deliveries by hand.

    But the deal is you have to come to the understanding, that taking daily meds doesnt change who you are, nor do they define you. We are so much more than one part, no matter what the part is.

    I want to thank you for your lovely comments on my blog! They really meant a lot to me!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know on a logical side that it is only a part of me, and I had come to the point of being OK with needing and taking the other med that I had been put on a while ago now. It just seems like this latest drug dealt some sort of body blow to my self image. It is like somehow that fundamentally changed something. That some how I am crazy then I had seen my self, and I know that sounds illogical, as it is not something that is based on logic. It is in fact an almost entirely emotional irrational thing, and one that I am having a hard time dealing with on a logical basses. I mean it is almost as hard as being diagnosed again, only with out the since or relief of having so much of the things that have happened in your life finally explained. Instead it is just a since of I am so much more broken, then I had thought and seen my self as, and so much weaker then I thought that I was.

      I know that I have an issue with self image, but this makes me feel like I am some how weaker as a person, like it is my fault that I am this way. I just wish that I was and had been stronger before so that I could have made this go away. I just wish that I could wake up and make it all go away, that I could be a normal person.

      I also feel like I am going to be alone forever, like it is hard enough to date in the gay community when you are not a specimen of the ideal male, with the great muscles and 6pack, abs. Let alone having this, something that scares away guys, as they don't seem to want a guy that has any sort of issues. I have had what would have been a few promising dating prospects that contacted me, but after a long while of chatting suddenly wanted nothing else to do with me after I told them that I was handing it but that I was Bipolar. The main reason that I told them was more that because of the addition of the new med which also states I should not drink on it I really can't drink, and then with the efforts to bring my life and daily sleep wake cycle into balance, I am not as able to do the late nights sort of thing. I am Ok with being single, which is a good thing, I don't need another person to be complete, but I think like all people I do want someone to share my life with and to able to have a family with.

      It has just done such a number on me, it has made me question if I am even fit to try and to have a family which for me has always included wanting to have kids.

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