A North West View

So today I would like to talk about something that might make some people uncomfortable  and is not something that I find the most comfortable topic in the world myself ether, and that topic quite frankly is sex, and sexuality. Yeah that topic that is only supposed to be talked about behind closed doors in whispered voices, not in a forum that is public, even if it is one that to a certain extent is anonymous at the same time. (even though nothing in life even the web is one hundred percent anonymous) However I feel that there is enough anonymity in this particular forum to talk about such a thing and how it pertains to life and especially to myself personally, in an open and honest manor. So with out further adieu I will get started right after the jump.

So today I would like to talk about another personal topic, so please bare with me if I seem to get a little off track, as I will try to keep things as directed as possible.  So today I would like to talk about and try to explore why I spend so much time feeling so ill at ease in my own skin, why I worry I'm to gay and not my self, yet not knowing who that "self" that I'm worried I'm not being is.  I find my self doubting and uncomfortable with many of my "new" interest, and the gay ways that I will catch my self behaving, whether its some sort of remark, or just "way" of doing something, or just what I feel my general vibe is, I find it on worrying, and discomforting, I fear/worry that I have lost/ am not showing my self that was there before the gay, yet its a self that I really can't identify.  It is like the "self" that I feel that I am losing is not actually a real one but the problem is that I have spent so much time...

So I know it has been a while since my last blog, my work shift has been wearing me down lately (to the point I literally get some of what I need to get done after work done and then pass out exhausted) I hoping that I will be able to again eek more time or have the energy to eek that time in to post again on a frequent basis as I do miss it. (seeing as sort of work its one of my very few forms of sharing my ideas and views and just talking and expressing my self openly with others any more) But I digress. So today's I would like to try to talk threw my continued extreme discomfort with dating and actually falling in love with and having romantic (and sexual feelings) for men, in a manor that is very often very conflicting as I know that there is nothing wrong with it, and when I am in a relationship (and that truly is a rarity) I can feel that my romantic feelings are right yet I still very much of the time feel that they are wrong. That they are something that I should be ash...

So today I would like to talk about, and attempt to talk out, my issue of even though I'm out still feeling uncomfortable and ashamed about my sexuality. It is something that I in all honesty dread and hate talking about in person. (ironically enough I know) When I do or others tend to talk to me about it, unless its one of the rear times where I actually drop my "guard" to them, I deal with it by making very homophobic type jokes, at my own experience.  Even though it makes me feel like crap, but I do it and I pretend that I think it's funny and that I love it.