So today I would like to talk about something that might make some people uncomfortable and is not something that I find the most comfortable topic in the world myself ether, and that topic quite frankly is sex, and sexuality. Yeah that topic that is only supposed to be talked about behind closed doors in whispered voices, not in a forum that is public, even if it is one that to a certain extent is anonymous at the same time. (even though nothing in life even the web is one hundred percent anonymous) However I feel that there is enough anonymity in this particular forum to talk about such a thing and how it pertains to life and especially to myself personally, in an open and honest manor. So with out further adieu I will get started right after the jump.
I would like to start off talking about that fact that anymore I have what for all practical purposes is a non existent sex drive, what that means to me, how it makes me feel and how it affects the way that I perceive my self. I'm just about certain that my non existent sex drive is linked to the medications that I take to help control my bipolar disorders much more so then it is linked to my emotional state. In no small part because the emotional state that I am in is one that even though it has its bumps and its shadows and stresses it is much more weighted to the good side of things. As such it leaves me in a position that a good part of me is reluctant to change a combination and dosage of medication that seems to be doing its job quite well, among other reasons. However there is another sizable part of me that finds this situation to be one that dose not find this situation one that I like to be in, in no small part because I remember what it is like to have a strong sex drive, as in the past when I was in my high periods one of the things that I possessed was a high sex drive, one that could and probably should be described as over active. Although I would love to regain that I think at this point I would settle to get back even a sex drive on the lower scale of things. I describe my sex drive as non existent because for one thing I can go for quite extended periods of time, months on end with out sex really crossing my mind and there being no desire to have anything to do with it at all, to the point that even if someone was to try to get me into a sexual situation and to get my blood running hot it would be a fruitless task that would only leave both parties utterly frustrated and unsatisfied. Then even when I do have something of a sex drive, which means that sex might cross my mind and I might be able to find things sexual appealing and they my push the right buttons to get a reaction out of me, it is still an up hill battle. In this state my interest at best is a take it or leave it level of attraction and leave it still winds up as the more attractive of the options. Now as some of you will know from my last post, I have not been in a relationship for quite some time, and as such I have not really found my self in sexual situations ether. So instead these "interests" have been filled by per-tacking of adult photos and such things, which is something that I did quite a lot of in the past when I was in my high periods because I was not in relationships for a good chunk of those times and even when I was sex did not happen all that frequently. So to be quite blunt masturbation was what had to do the job of relieving the sexual urges that I had, and it was something that back then had quite spectacular out comes. However now even when I am turned on I am not nearly as turned on, and on the rear occasions that I engage in such activities it often feels more like a chore then anything else and to be bluntly honest the results are nothing to write home about or even give much of a crap about ether.
now one can imagine that this is not a situation that I feel is ideal, it is a situation that I often find quite frustrating. It's a situation that also leaves me with quite mixed feeling about my self, while I know that sex and sexuality is not all that life is all about, it is still something that makes life that much more pleasurable and that a lack of it leaves me wanting. I often feel like I am broken, like part of what makes one a man is missing from me. That as a young man I should be desiring sex far more then I am and that sexual activities even if they are just with my self and fantasies played out in my own mind should be immensely more pleasurable then they are. I feel at times like less of a man for these lacking qualities with in my self, and that is something that I defiantly don't like. It also makes me feel less attractive as a possible dating prospect for someone and especially as being attractive to have a relationship with, because while sex may not be the most important part of a relationship it certainly dose play an important roll in a healthy and well rounded relationship, and who really wants to be in a relationship that is practically sexless and that on the rare occasion that it is not, is only lackluster at best? That is the question that I often find myself asking, and mostly answering with a strong "no one."
How ever there is another part of me that is relieved because it means that I don't really have to worry because even if I do find a relationship it means that I really don't have to engage in sex, but I also don't have to deal with being sexual and the marred of emotions and stress that are brought up in me, that makes it even if it was pleasurable at the time seem like it was not worth it after words. This is because in no small part I feel wrong and filthy after such things. While I often feel that it is wrong when I masturbate to gay images and even porn, (on the rare occasion) and when I say wrong not in the since that it is not something that I am not attracted to or enjoy because it is something that I am extremely attracted to and extremely enjoy, especially since the alternative dose nothing for me and is actually a turn off. It feels wrong in the sense that it is something that I am not supposed to be doing and that it is not supposed to be enjoying nearly so much. That it should be a deep dark secret that I am attracted to sexy men and men is sexual positions, as objects of sexual desire, that it is something that is shameful. Especially because of what I fantasizing about when I am engaging in looking at such things. Fantasies that I be seen and viewed as a sexual object for some one else (at those moments the person that I am looking at or watching, or fantasizing about) and that I be used as a integral tool to give them not just pleasure but for them to gain sexual pleasure of their own as well, that they exert a level of control over me. It feels like these fantasies and such strong desires are wrong, and that I should not be desiring them, that if anything I should be desiring the opposite.
Then there is sex, yeah that elephant in the room, something that while it can be extremely pleasurable it is something that I also find quite stressful, and full of feelings of shame, like I am dirty and doing something immensely wrong. Now this is not to give the impression that I have had a lot of sex I have not, while I have fooled around and engaged in a lot of what some people consider floor play, which I find to be highly pleasurable (but I consider in ways sex too, and also brings out the same feelings) I have really only had full on sex 3 times. Times that while I found them pleasurable in part to different degrees, it is also something that I have found to be highly stressful in small part do the voices in my mind telling me that I might screw up and that I might be screwing up at what it is that I am doing, and then in large part of the voices that tell me that what I am doing is wrong, filthy, dirty and just plane shameful, that I should not be doing what I am doing and that I should not be enjoying what I am doing especially when it is something that I am enjoying doing. The little voices also make the pleasure almost not worth it afterwords when I come down off the high and the little voices are practically screaming at me. Leaving me feeling like a filthy whore, like if I could scrub my self clean of the pleasure I should and would scrub my skin off to do so. (and at times have tired to do so) I am left feeling that way for the pleasure and the enjoyment of what it is that I have done and that brought me pleasure to do so.I am left feeling that way because of the fact that I have let them exert a certain level of control over me and that I have done the things that are within my power to provide pleasure to them and that I have let them use me to gain that pleasure for them selves, that I have let them fuck me and have say over me and that I have
It feels like I should want to be the one in control the one that not only sees another man as a sexual object but that takes a level of control over them and uses them to bring sexual pleasure to myself. That I should be the one that is dominating the situation. Not the one that wants the other in control and dominating the situation. That to be a full man I should be in the revers rolls as the ones that I like and that I find to be the most pleasurable and the most of a turn on for me. That even outside of the bedroom I should not want him to take the lead that I should not want him to be in control, to want him to highlight me as something that is his! This feels like it is wrong like it makes me a weak filthy little whore, that is not really a man but something else all together. These are the conflicted feelings about sex that I have and the roll that I like to fantasies about playing and that I like to play. This is the other piece of the picture why I don't necessarily feel that it is bad that I have a lack of a sex drive (even though I would defiantly like it back) because I at least I don't have to deal with the sex part. Until next time dear readers I wish you the best.