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Showing posts from February, 2010

Felling Filthy For Loving Guys

So I know it has been a while since my last blog, my work shift has been wearing me down lately (to the point I literally get some of what I need to get done after work done and then pass out exhausted) I hoping that I will be able to again eek more time or have the energy to eek that time in to post again on a frequent basis as I do miss it. (seeing as sort of work its one of my very few forms of sharing my ideas and views and just talking and expressing my self openly with others any more) But I digress.

So today's I would like to try to talk threw my continued extreme discomfort with dating and actually falling in love with and having romantic (and sexual feelings) for men, in a manor that is very often very conflicting as I know that there is nothing wrong with it, and when I am in a relationship (and that truly is a rarity) I can feel that my romantic feelings are right yet I still very much of the time feel that they are wrong. That they are something that I should be ashamed…

All Graveyards & No play Makes Me A Dull Boy

Ok so from politics back to me, because well I don't feel like talking about politics today but I do feel like talking about me.  So at the moment and for the last 6 months I have been stuck working grave yards at work, which for me is 10pm till 6:30am. Unfortunately I did not wind up on this shift because I particularly wanted it, I wound up on it because at the time I was told point blank you can ether switch from your current switch (which had been closings 2pm-11pm) and be granted at least 24 hours a week, which is the minimum to qualify for insurance or you can keep your current shift/full daytime availability and not be guarantied any hours at all, and thus no insurance.  Obviously I made the decision to switch, to only find out that basically what had been presented me was not the reality of the situation as there are still enough hours during the day and hours getting cut from grave yards to cover day for minims to  maintaining peoples insurance coverage. Unfortunately thi…

A Date Picked, & Political Constipation The Capital.

The first piece of news is that the Supreme Court  has set April 28th as the day that it will start hearing arguments dealing with the release of the 130,000 petition signatures that got Referendum 71 on the Washington state ballot, which was the failed effort to overturn the states expanded "every thing but marriage" domestic partnership laws.  Depending on how the court rules this could have a large impact on open government laws not just in WA but threw out the country, as the goal of the anti gay rights group who has brought this case to the supreme court is to withhold the signature under the pretense that they are protected free speech. If ruled so it would me that in future initiatives you would not be able to see who signed and supported getting it put on the ballot and it opens up the slippery slop, that since the supreme court has found that campaign contributions are a form of free political speech (ala corporations are people and thus have a right to unlimited c…

Finding Strength

Today's topic is going to be finding strength, not in the physical since but in spiritual, mental since, the kind of strength that allows you to keep on going in life even threw the lowest points, to not let any obstacles stand in your way.  It is the kind of strength that can allow you to eventually come out, and to start to process of living as a proud open gay man, although I would not claim to be any wear near that level yet, but it also the kind of strength that is important in helping you to get threw and deal with other challenges that are thrown in your life path.   I strongly believe that with out Spiritual, emotional and mental strength, and that ability to grow and rebuild it that one is at a very great risk when they are faced with hard times and hard challenges in life, as it is those times that most often take a very strong and deep reserve of strength to get threw and make it out to the other side, I know that in my life it has been my obliterate to exercise and all…

Hot N Cold

Ok so as you all know I have issues going on that are not as under control (no where near as under control) as I would like them to be, now this would make dating complicated enough for any one, as it is admittedly hard to date when you have basically almost no real handle on your own personal life let alone personal emotional state. Which is a pretty important aspect of being able to be able to get your self in a place where you can even start to be ready for a relationship, let alone be able to maintain one, when and if one actually develops.  How ever I thing and do strongly feel that throwing being gay in on top of that adds another layer of complication in that makes it even harder,  I think in addition to the big enfaces on appearance, there is almost what seems like a disproportionate discrimination against dealing with "damaged goods".  It dose not seem to matter how much they like the person or how great they seem to think they are, once they since that they might h…


Again just letting you all know that I have not disappeared, but things for me are not going well right now. I am basically going from one emotional extreme to the other very rapidly lately especially even more so over the last couple of days including today.  The last few hours have been the worst as I have been stuck in one of my oh so FUN FUN mixed happy depressed states.  I don't know when I will be posting anything of substance, but I will try to keep you informed. But at the moment all I want is to actually be a normal functional person, but unfortunately that seems to much to ask of the powers that be, as they seem to want me to curse me with an being in an emotional out of control state where I go crashing from moment to moment at the drop of a hat form one extreme to another with good amounts of rage thrown in for good measure.

Valentines & Other Randomness

So as some of you may or may not be (if you work retail their is no way you are not aware) tomorrow is Valentines day, Named after the catholic Saint Valentine and filled with  romantic iconography like cupid with his arrows of love, which on shot with one will fall in love with the first person they lay their eyes upon .  It's a wonderful excuse to take pause and remind those dearest to you how much they mean to you and truly special a part of your life they are, which is all fine and dandy for those who are in relationships.  Now not being in a relationship, and never particularly having had the luck of having been in one during said holiday it has never been a particularly special day for me.  I personally get tired quickly of the constant advertising as it just drives home the point that I'm single at a time or year when being in a relationship is the most celebrated thing one can possibly be engaged in.  It makes me stop and take stock of my dating life, where I had hoped…

Anglican Church of Uganda, Kill or Jail Gays just not Priests

So yesterday the Anglican Church of Uganda, which is part of the word wide Anglican Communion, (which includes the Episcopal Church of the United States) has made it's official press release on the Uganda "kill gays" bill.  It uses es some pretty ambiguous wording, that has cause some debate to exactly what its ultimate stance is on the death sentence part of the bill is, but what is clear is that they want to be sure that the bill is changed to insure that priests are protected from jail time. As they don't want their priest being jailed for caring for, or not truing in, against pastoral ethic, gay members of the church that they may be or have counseled in the past, as could currently happen to priests with the current wording of the bill.

Roller Coaster / Apology

OK so I know that this is not particularly a "gay issue" but it is still something that I would like to post about as it is a me issue at the moment and it is why I have not been posted in two days.  As I have established in one of my previous post  Link I have an "issue" (post will clear up what if you have not read please do) well things have decided to act up quite a bit agent lately, and I am back on the fun fun emotional veering roller coaster, along with well being some what underlying depressed yet not at the same time.I know fun fun, which as one can imagine makes it slightly challenging to sit down and write coherently on a subject.  I would like to apologise to my readers and assure them that I will be doing my best to try to get something good posted as soon as possible. as always feel free to comment or message me if you wish.  Have a great day.

Dating Or Not

So to night was one of those nights at work where I had lots of time for my mind to wonder and think while I did my work. (simply working freight alone will do that) I spent a good amount of time thinking about my dating life, or to be precise lack of one, I mean I have not been on a date in over a year (since my last relationship ended) and don't really have a prospect ether.  I know I should not get particularly hung up on things like this, and in general I don't.  Part of it I know is me, is the fact that I am not particularly into the "gay scene"/bar so I don't really go out and do that sort of thing. It also dose not help that I'm not one that is that up on fashion, or always in the hottest current trend, I like to look nice but I just can't really keep up with what ever the trend is nor is it really that much of a high concern for me.  Unfortunately this seems to make it hard to meet guys my age, especially ones that are interested in having a reall…

Talking In The Non-sex

So I would like to spend a little time to talk about how instead of using the right sexed nouns and pronouns when talking about relationships I would instead use worlds that had absolutely no sex tied to them at all.  I even tend to use words with no sex tied to them when I'm talking to friends and people that know I'm gay unless I stop and put a good amount of thought into actually picking the worlds, and even then I will quite often pick the more ambiguous words that are often associated with gay relationships. 

A Question

So I know my blog has been very much on the personal side lately, it is with this in mind that I would like to give at least a temporary pause. I would like to ask my readers  if they are comfortable with that and enjoy that or would rather, I make a stronger effort to veer this blog back onto a more social political topical track, and start another blog to continue the far more personal posting?  I don't want any one to feel that they can't or should not comment on any of my post as I do truly enjoy reading and responding to comments, I always find that they help bring insight that I would not have gleaned my self that I can always use. So please by all means do comment.

So, So You Think You Can Tell, Heave From Hell, Blue Skies From Pain

So I really would like to encourage all my reads to read my newly edited and improved previous post, as this one will be some what of a continuation of that one. It is going to be changing gears somewhat, I do promise it will be much less of a "bitch and moan fest".  Instead this post is going to be focusing much more on concrete material, as well as much more personal material, that I hope will help me by providing some form of open almost liberation, but also to help you my readers understand me and were I'm coming from better. I have also decided that in keeping with the very personal spirit of this post, all the decorative photography in it will be mine, so I do hope you enjoy it.