A North West View

Bridge at Deception Pass, Washingtion It has been a while since I have posted anything, for myriad from not being inspired to now that I am on a bit of a down word trajectory in my moods and I have just lost interest in most everything that I find passion in and that I care about and find fun in life.  So I thought that I would try to pick up my sprites and remind my self of something that I have a passion about by sharing some of my photographs even though it has been quite some time now since I have had the chance to go out with my camera and shoot anything.  So with out further delay here are some of my photos that I would like to share with you right after the the jump.

As some of you will soon start noticing I have started to use word verification in order for comments to be posted, unfortunately I had a spat of spam comments occur and I don't want to have to waist my time removing spam comments. So to help and combat the problem I have been forced to intorduce word verification into the commenting procsses.  I hope that doing so dose not discurage you guys (my readers) from posting your comments as I truly do value getting to hear your prospectives on things and talk with all of you. Untill next time dear readers. 

With the nail biting election in the rear view mirror, with Obama winning the election handily once all the swing state cards feel into place, it is hard to believe that Obama's reelection is the cherry on the top of an amazing dessert.  It was a night that brought us the defeated of a proposed constructional ban of same sex marriage in Minnesota  with the public voting in favor of gay marriage in Maine, Maryland, and Washington, marking the first time in history that marriage equality has won at the ballot box.  Along with the the election of allies in congress and the senate, as well as in state government through out the country, and the first openly gay Senator Tammy Baldwin a Democratic from Wisconsin.  This is promises to be a watershed moment in history.

With only a week left until ballots mail out in Washington state, Protect Marriage Washington has started airing their first ad in what is doubtless to be a series of ads to run threw the election on Nov 6.  as the Seattle times says about this time in the election cycle  "for a ballot measure that isn't up on the air now is missing a big opportunity. Ballots mail out next week"  and it  appears  that even though they are late to the race compared to the  Approve   campaign  that has had ads running for months between Washington United for marriage and an ad run by Seattle Pride during the summer  Olympics   they seem to be  coming  out of the gate swinging using some of the same old  tactics  that have proven so  effective  in the past in scaring the public into voting their way.   although  this time they seem to have  thrown  in another tool to their  approach  and that is trying to  reassure  the people that they are scaring that voting to take away the rights o

There is something missing in the adds for marriage equality in Washington State (and in the 3 other state facing marriage equality measures this year) and that is the total lack of gay people in the ads, instead like in Washington they seem to have every one and their uncle from pro equality republican positions to clergy and family talking about why marriage equality matters, how gay people want the same things out of marriage as every one else in society and why they are deserving of the right to marry. Yet there are no gay people making the case, which even thought the ads that are being put out are good and do carry the message well and pull at the heartstrings of the views (like the video after the jump) it would seem to me, and meany others that to have gay people make the case would be a good way of going about it.  As we are the ones that this decisions ultimately affects why aren't we the ones talking about why marriage is important to us instead of having our straigh

Missing by Drake Braxton This book grabbed me from the very beginning and never let go.  It starts right out in the mist of the action as Blain realizes that his Husband of 15 years Manny has gone missing at Blain's 20th class reunion. So starts the search of the hotel for his husband, first asking some of the reunion attendees, then checking her room, in the hopes that he had become bored with the reunion and returned to the room to rest, things grow expediently more frantic after Blain discovers Manny's cell phone discarded in a potted plant.

While being balanced mode wise is something that is good and something that I am glad to be, although I do wish that my medications made me feel less drained like I have been dragging a heavy weight around with me while I do things, in part because my mind seems to be sort of slow and just not totally with it at times leaving it to take a lot of energy to concentrate and get things done and that mental energy also has a physical manifestation as well, and is what tends to make me feel the most drained. while it is good to be balanced it is hard to not want to have a taste of the forbidden fruit that I have been brought down from having a minor taste of and that is to be on the more manic side of things.  It is times like this when I know that the meds are keeping me from an amazing natural high, that it is so tempting just to stop taking my medications.

Maybe I am weak, maybe I just can't do whatever it is that is the best for me, and damn the outcome!  Maybe that is what I need to do not to live not only in an awkward limbo with myself,  but also wanting something that i very well may never get. However it also seems to be the very thing that I can't do when it comes to my dad. Even though he had a "talk" with me after I posted this youtube video about feeling shoved back in the closet,

Being able to control one’s own finances is one of the important parts of being able to be a independent adult, and is something that is supposed to come along with being one as well.  It means being able to live within a budget and spending one's money wisely within that budget.  It also means having a realistic idea about what your income is and how much money you have to spend and being able to weigh that against financial decisions and the merits of purchases that one wishes to make keeping in mind the required purchase that one has to make and the cost of them.   Which is why the realization that I seem to be utterly incapable of controlling my finances is coming as such a blow,

One of the newest groups to throw their support behind marriage equality in Washington state and take an official stance that Ref 74 should be a proved is the Seattle Chamber Of Commerce which represents 2,200 company's, it joins the ranks of company's like Microsoft and Starbucks, as well as many faith groups and Labor groups like my union UFCW 21, in voicing their support for the right of all citizens of Washington to be able to marry.   Of course being the chamber of commerce their reason boils down to the economics of it, in that it creates a simpler system of providing benefits to employees who have same sex partners, as well as helping to make it easier to attract and keep talent, especially when competing with other states (and countries) that have marriage equality. In addition to gaining another voice for equality Washington United For Marriage has started their new Raising Millions For Marriage campaign where individuals (and groups) can set fundraising goa

Well on Tuesday the backers of Initiative 1192 other wise know as I 1192 conceded that they did not and would not have enough signatures by the deadline of July 6th to make it onto the November ballot.  The backer of the  241,000     which would have changed state law to once again read that marriage is between one man and one women.  The backer of the measure S tephen Pidgeon, who is also a candidate for the state attorney generals office, (How unseemly) blamed the inability to collect enough signatures on the backers of Ref 74, and went so far as to say that the backers of Ref 74 chorused signature gathers to sabotage his Initiative campaign!  What this means though is that there is only one fight to be fought now on the November ballot and that is Ref 74.  Of-course like everything in this fight this is both good new and also some bad news at the same time. 

Gay marriage or as it should be call marriage is something that is very important to me, and has been since I was little.  I have always know that I wanted to get married and to have a family of my own, the only thing that has changed is that as I finally came to terms with the fact that I was gay, a wife became a husband.  For me personally I have always wanted to find that person that I love and am meant to spend the rest of my life with.  The person that I want to build a family with, the house, kids, minivan the whole nine yards, and a big part of that is marriage.

So it never ceases to amaze my how people think that some how they can be a polite homophobe and prove that they are not hateful and there for a good kind of homophobe, and this comment from an Anonamus poster just goes to prove that like there is no such thing as a polite racist there is no such thing as a polite homophobe. This is the comment left in response to my blog post Ref 74 The Deadline Is Near . " "hate filled agenda"LOL why do gays thing that anyone who dosent agree with them are hate filled? i'm against gay "marriage" because it's bizarre and unatrual not becuase i hate gays.Just becuase i think that a dude jamming himself into another dudes lower intestine is perverted dose not mean i hte them i just think it's disgusting " (copied exactly spelling and grammatical errors included) Now this sort of comment contains one of my biggest pet peeves and it is when the person posting not only tries to paint them selves as the vic

The dead line for the opponents of marriage equality are nearing the deadline for them to turn all the signatures they have gathered to try and get Referendum 74 on the ballot in November, according to "Preserve Marriage Washington" (one of the most perverse name for a group that wants to take the basic human right of marriage away from people) they have enough signatures to get the measure on the ballot.  As of Wednesday they claimed to have over 150,00 signatures which is am amount that the Secretary of States Office recommends to insure a buffer for invalid and duplicate signatures in order to meet the legal requirement of 120,557 valed signatures.  They are cutting it close with Tuesday being June 5th and the deadline being Jun 6th, but if what they say is true, then sort of them having a much higher then average rate of non valid signatures, their measure will be on the ballot in November.  Which means that it is going to be a long battle up until election day, or mo

It seems that while the straight world is moving in the direction of a more rounded definition of what makes a man well a man that gay community is instead increasingly moving in the opposite direction of defining a man by the tired worn out old  stereotypes  of what makes one a man, stereotypes that never even applied in the "good old days" while the straight community is moving towards excepting that the old gender rolls are indeed out dated and that a man can still be a man and posses an increasing number of traditional feminine traits like caring about their appearance, showing emotions in public including talking about their feelings, having interest in what where traditionally considered woman's things like cooking, crafting and even TV shows.  Yet in the gay community the obsession is instead with being much more muscular, of not expressing ones emotions, of being the stereotypical "man's man" you know that over grown frat boy.

As some of you may or may not know May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and as such I thought I would write a blog post to try and help do my part to help raise awareness, and end the stigma of mental illness.  I also hope to show provide some hope in the process.  As many of you already know I have a mental illness, and that is Bipolar Disorder, which I was diagnosed with only relatively recently, about a year ago, although I have had it for a nice chunk of my life.  It is something that while I am still just in the beginning stages of starting to understand and control, I don't feel that it is something that I should have to be ashamed of or have to worry about others finding out about it.  unfortunately though there is quite a large amount of stigma that surrounds mental illness especially "serious mental illness", which they are for those that suffer from them (and those close to them as well)  unfortunately  though it also makes it sound scarier to those that do

This post is inspired by this weeks topic on A Gay Collab  which is about the mask that you wear, and for me that is the mask of being calm, causes, in control, and OK.  This is the mask that I ware for all to see, this blog is one of the few places that I let is slip, and there are precious few people that have intimate glimpses of me with out my mask. I wear the mask that I want to world to see not only because I am afraid and convinced that they would judge me harshly, but because it is partly the me that I wish was real.

Joyful flower While I am feeling worlds better than I have been, joy, happiness and optimism have once again returned to my life, which I am very thankful for.  At the same time though this has not cured all of the things that have been troubling my mind, it has just left me feeling like not touching them at all, which I guess is quite a natural response given the circumstances.  However it has become very clear to me that not dealing with them will not make them go away, but instead that it is only a temporary fix that only pushes them to a date further in the future which is quite often when it is hardest to deal with them. Not only that but leaving them festering inside they only eat up more and more of you making them that much more insidious.

Looking back Well as some of you may have noticed on some of my recent post the art in the form of photography that I have been using in my blog post to help crate visual interest and help convey emotions deeper messages then simple text it's self can,(because as they say a photo is worth a thousand words) has departed from that which has been used on many posts in the past, that is because instead of using clip art and general internet stuff I have been using my own photographs.  This is something that I am interested in continuing to do

So there was a new story that involved a school disciplined a child, but that is not what the point of the post it, it is about one statement that has been bugging me in the back of my mind for two days. And has me wanting to write a post to get my opinion in when ti comes to mental illness/health,  it is the fact that the mother instead of trying to turn the moment and the assumption it brought her son too, she decided to hold a press conference about it. During which she said"had been traumatized" ...  "being a impressionable kid who watches TV he sees padded rooms thinks crazy people go in padded room so when you place him in a padded room you think he is crazy"   What got under my skin is for one thing is did not even try to work with her child to turn it into a teachable moment that "Crazy" people do not need to be put into padded rooms,

So dear followers, I have been wondering if I should spin the different post having to do with my Bipolar Disorder off into their own blog, and

I am sorry for the lack of posting lately, as I think I mentioned in my last post I am slipping   sliding  free falling into another depression, which in part means I am pretty withdrawn from the world. I mean even with going to work, I may be out of the house (even though it is really the last thing I want to be) but I am just going threw the motions with a fake mask of if not happiness (as I am all to aware that said mask sometimes fails) of at least thing being all ok and good over all, even though in reality they are not.  How ever underneath that mask I am more detached from everything that is going on around me and even any conversation I may (or may not be

Well like I promised I would, I am posting a quick little update blog, so that you (my readers) don't worry too much.  Well yesterday I had my appointment with my pdoc (I like this abbreviation for psychiatrist better then what I have used in the past) I guess it went as well as could be expected all things considered.I I feel that I made a fool and a idiotic spectacle of my self, but I guess that is another thing all together.  Well I am still not sure how I feel about it, but I left the appointment with a new prescription, although I am not sure that is what I really wanted nor if it is what I want. That and an appointment for next week as well, which is something that I do want.   I guess the idea of the new prescription is to try to help level me out and deal with some of the symptoms that have been bothering me the most lately, but I am now not sure now if I really want to do that or not. (I know real decisive of me, then again when I am this way divisiveness is not something

I want to share with you one of the things that has the power to make my bouts of depression even worse, which would seem funny as being depressed is not very fun at all as it is.  Now I am not trying to say that I'm horribly depressed right now but I am seeing the clear signs that what has been just a low mode is starting to pick up speed and head down the familiar slope of slipping into a depression.  Now the speed with which

So the white washing has once again come undone, if only one of these days it would stick to the rotten wood that lies beneath it!  I am once again, well that would imply that it ever actually went away, stuck asking my self why me and what I ever did to deserve to be gay, to be punished in such a way?  What did I do that was so bad so wrong that God punished me by making me gay, that I was not strong enough, smart enough, good enough to overcome it?  That instead I buckled under the presser,  damning my self and everything else in the process.   Why was I not strong enough?  WHY? I failed so badly, I just don't know what I did wrong, I don't know what I could have done, and I don't know how to change it, how to make my self normal!! How to change myself so that I can have a normal life, so that I can have everything that I dreamed of having, so that I can be the person I dreamed of being, and the person that I was supposed to be!  What did I do to deserve to be gay to n

Flower Takes Bloom This really is really a multi-front process in my case with multiple stages of progress, but with each step forward it seems that the mental framing is only strengthened for those areas that are still lagging.  The biggest hurdle seems to simply be getting past the why me and the shame, but instead starting to embrace it. That which used to be a wrong, something that was bad, that should be hidden away, or fit to be ashamed of, it/they become things that instead of flaws are things that make me uniquely me, that they are strengths and as such they are things that I should be proud of that, should not have to be hidden away, but can become just as matter of fact parts of life as waking up in the morning or enjoying a good cup of (decaf) coffee.  It is also the recognition of the fact that if someone thinks lesser of you for what ever it may be, or if they have a problem with it, that it is their problem and it dose not matter one bit, it is for them to work threw

This is not going to be a long blog, what I am asking is that all my subscribers and visitirs please take the time too watch this video. And then go to the web site sign to pledge and spread the word, we need to make him famous so that he can be brought to justice!  Please do your part! Donate At  https://www.stayclassy.org/checkout/set-donation?eid=14711 Sign The Pledge At  http://www.causes.com/konypledge

This seems to be the sentiment that is more then popping out of the wood work as the debate heats up after the Governor signed the marriage equality bill, now with a Referendum still in the works(the league of women voters is contesting the AG's biased wording) and the Imitative poised to start soon too. (a judge just finished the legal wording for it) To see  these views I don't even have to look further then the opinion column of my local news paper and the comment section on said opinions, With those that oppose gay marriage not only insisting that gay marriage will lead to a slippery slope, that it's bad for the kids, and that it will destroy religion too.  Even more infuriatingly though they are also stating that gay relationships are not real ones at all, as if we are all acting and pretending when we are in a relationship so that we can secretly destroy marriage and the family, it is so infuriatingly wrong and absurd that it just makes my blood boil!  

I have been struggling to try to find an way to even half way put what I am feeling into worlds let alone to describe it in a way that any once else can understand, I have finally decided to just give it a go and pretty much stick with what ever comes out, as it is write, otherwise I will never get it out  and posted.  So please bare with me if things are not quite that clear or they are worded wordlessly. I have been felling so trapped and suffocated lately craving the one thing that I just can't seem to have, the one thing that I want so badly that just is not an option.  I find my self feeling so much like the 3 Doors Down song after the jump.

So I have made some changes to the blog, done some redecorating, some rearranging and added in a few new things, hopefully it makes for a more interesting and engrossing blog, for new comers and especially those of you that are my subscribers.  I really hope that you all enjoy the new look. 

With all that is going on in Washington state with the marriage equality bill, and the campaign that is already is underway to overturn it, it is hard not to get sucked up into the politics and debate that is swirling around it, even more so when your gay and thus the subject of said debate; and this is where I find my self sucked into the storm.  Maybe for some getting sucked into that storm is something that has no affect on them, not even in those quite moments late at night, early in the morning or those stolen moments during the day when all you have to occupy yourself with our your thoughts,  but for me that is not true, allowing my self to be sucked in dose have an affect on me, some good some bad and some just not quite ether, however I also believe however that you can't truly live if you just stand outside the fire.

What is it with those that oppose same sex marriag e, otherwise know as marriage equality, when they feel like dancing around religious indignation they suddenly start pulling out the argument of   " Marriage to me is a word with specific meaning. To call something else by the same name is , I believe, a problem in semantics, confusing and illogical . Insisting on calling different things by the same name is to lose the language." ( emphasis  added) as if people and their love for each other are like an kitchen appliance or some other inanimate household object?  This is something that really gets under my skin and makes my blood boil. I mean I really just can't  comprehend  how some one can talk about other people like that!

So many of you may have already heard that marriage equality in the great state of Washington, my home, is already under attack by the anti gay rights lobby, we have two legal fronts that they are trying to attack us from, one being threw the referendum process, for which not even 3 hours after marriage equality was signed into law they had submitted their referendum which is now officially Referendum 74, R 74/Ref 74 for short.  They have the 3 month period starting with the end of this legislative session, in other words until June 6th, to submit 120,557 valid signature (non duplicate, signatures voters registered to vote in the state of Washington) and of the initiative they have until July 6th to tun in  241,153 valid signatures as well.  but the Initiative has been in the works (it was filed back in January).

So I just got back from my trip to see the showing of A Right To Love: An American  Dream, I want to do a quick review, although one that dose not really give anything away about the film. That and I want to share about the trip as well and throw my own commentary in behind some current events that I have not had the time to write about ether because I was busy preparing to take my trip of I was on the trip.

There is a reason that I sort of suddenly dropped out of the picture when it came to the updates on the fight for marriage equality in my state (Washington) which by the way is scheduled to have a committee vote on the legislation, that that state Senate passed last week, this Monday with it coming to a floor vote before the whole house possibly latter in the week.  However it is not due to a lack of keen interest and desire to see said legislation implemented into law, but my utter drop off in commentary has much more to do with being sick and tired of  reading the articles and especially the comment sections of the article on this issue.  As for the articles it always seems that they have to include the usual handful of rabidly anti marriage equality commentators, and well we all know what they have to say on the issue.

Well we are just one vote away from marriage equality in Washington, with the announcement by state Senator Jim Kastama of his support of the legislation, that leaves us with 24 of the 25 votes needed to pass SB6239.  Not only are we now one vote away but today Microsoft officially came out in support of the bill as well, and posted a very well written  persuasive and eloquent (for a corperate blog) expression of support.  Which as has been mention in a previous post has been a key in garnishing the final needed votes to pass equality legislation.   Of course still being one vote away success can not be taken for granted simply for the fact that until that one vote is locked in the line could come down one vote short for us too, but there is much reason to be optimistic and bask in this little victory.

It seems as much as I would like to lose weight I keep undermining those goals lately as I seem to be emotional eating up a storm, which of course has me again starting to gain weight and pack on the fat.  Which really only makes me feel that much more worse because it is not what I want.  I at the very least want/ed to get back to the weight I was before (my last nasty bought of depression) which was 195lbs and was still over my ideal weight.  Of course not only is this a problem of its own but it is also an outward sign of emotional distress with in. 

Only 2 yes votes are needed in the Washington state Senate for the marriage equality legislation that was introduced this week with 23 signatures to pass.  The senate is the key roadblock to the passage of the legislation as identical legislation was introduced into the State House, with 50 signatures which is enough votes to pass the legislation in the House. Things are so close yet still so far away, there is still a small pool of officially undecided/committed senators that could swing the vote into our favor, those senators are Senator Andy Hill, R-Redmond; Senator Joe Fain, R-Auburn; Senator Mary Margaret Haugen, D-Camano Island; Senator Jim Kastama, D-Puyallup; Senator Paull Shin, D-Edmonds  and Senator Brian Hatfield, D-Raymond.  Then there is Senator Doug Ericksen, R-Ferndale.  These are the people that we have to try to sway into our favor.

So as promised another update on the progress of the possible legalization of same-sex marriage in Washington state by the state legislature. There is no really question that the state house will vote in favor of the bill to legalise same-sex marriage as it has passed similar legislation in the past, not to mention that it is made up of 55 democratically held seats and 42 republican held seats (and one currently empty seat) the current sticking point is the state Senate which is comprised of 27 democrats and 22 republicans.

In light of the amazing news that Governor Chris Gregoire is not only supporting legislation for the legalization of same sex marriage in my state of Washington, but that she will actually be introducing the legislation to the legislature some time this week, after it starts it's new legislative session on Monday.  (legislation that she and legislative leaders have been working on) I have decided to write to my law makers and I thought that I would share what I have written with all of you. I spent the time to type out what I wanted to say so that when I hand write it, (I am becoming of the firm opinion that a handwritten letter crays so much more weight and power with it then say an email)  it will be the best that I can be.

I was presently surprised to see an braking news email from he Seattle Times pop up in my inbox on my cellphone with the need that at a 11am news conference on Wednesday that governor Chris Gregoire is expected to announce support for gay marriage, which will be the first time she has formerly supported it, although she has been a steadfast supporter of gay rights, in the state. This comes in light of the grass roots efforts of Equality Washington to pressure the State legislation to pass a gay marriage law in 2012, this news conference takes place just before the start of the next legislative session starting on Monday.  I don't know how much motion can be expected to be made on this issue during that session,  which runs threw march 8th, in part because the legislature has to plug another 1.5 billion shortfall in the state budget which I for see being a nasty battle as there really is no "fat" left to trim let alone muscle, but that is beside the point. The goal is t