Gaining Weight, & Emotional Eating

It seems as much as I would like to lose weight I keep undermining those goals lately as I seem to be emotional eating up a storm, which of course has me again starting to gain weight and pack on the fat. Which really only makes me feel that much more worse because it is not what I want. I at the very least want/ed to get back to the weight I was before (my last nasty bought of depression) which was 195lbs and was still over my ideal weight. Of course not only is this a problem of its own but it is also an outward sign of emotional distress with in.

While I do have things in my life that are going well and things that I am looking forward to very much and am very excited about, like going to the Eugene Oregon showing of The Right To Love: An American Family, which I am really excited about, I have just a lot of stuff going on that is just starting to ware on me and possibly starting to drag me down a little. Of course now I have to reschedule my Psychiatrist appointment another 2-3 weeks out because I have to fill in for a coworker who is going on vacation.

I have been having quite a bit of trouble sleeping as of late, which has lead me to buy some Advil PM today to try and hopefully get my first full nights sleep in a quite a long time as that is something that is definitely becoming more and more detrimental as it goes on longer and longer. not only have I been having trouble getting to sleep I have been having trouble not waking up to early, nor has my sleep been that restful ether as it seems to keep getting disturbed by dreams even though I can't quite remember them I am aware that they have happened. I know that the dreams seem to be emotionally exhausting and leave me waking up not only emotionally but mentally and even physically worn out, which just makes it that much harder to get threw the day.

Lately I keep seeming not only to be reliving mentally, and in my memory events/things that I really don't want to relive, yet when I am emotionally it feels just like it is the reality of the hear and now when it is not. It takes quite a bit of effort to then bring myself back to the hear and now and try to reassure my self that it was just a memory, what is even worse though are the mentally fabricated events that feed off of the memories and not only blend the past but also the future together and are the ones that are the most upsetting. I don't want to keep reliving and experiencing such emotionally upsetting things, but I am also very deeply afraid of them happening again too.

I am so upset by them that I don't really even want to say quite what it is that is bothering me especially out loud as I feel so much like no one else would really understand. But I also worry that not letting it out to anyone is also a recipe for disaster, so I guess I will just say that I am once again being haunted not only be actual memories (and the very strong emotions that go along with them) but mental fictional constructions of my hospitalization in the hospitals mental health unit, during my last very bad bout of depression. Not only that but I severely fear that somehow its waiting like a crouching tiger waiting to pounce on me when I least expect. Even Though I know logically it dose not make since, emotionally it feels so very true and very real.

The Temptation Of The High

While being balanced mode wise is something that is good and something that I am glad to be, although I do wish that my medications made me feel less drained like I have been dragging a heavy weight around with me while I do things, in part because my mind seems to be sort of slow and just not totally with it at times leaving it to take a lot of energy to concentrate and get things done and that mental energy also has a physical manifestation as well, and is what tends to make me feel the most drained. while it is good to be balanced it is hard to not want to have a taste of the forbidden fruit that I have been brought down from having a minor taste of and that is to be on the more manic side of things. It is times like this when I know that the meds are keeping me from an amazing natural high, that it is so tempting just to stop taking my medications.

Mental Health Awareness

As some of you may or may not know May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and as such I thought I would write a blog post to try and help do my part to help raise awareness, and end the stigma of mental illness. I also hope to show provide some hope in the process. As many of you already know I have a mental illness, and that is Bipolar Disorder, which I was diagnosed with only relatively recently, about a year ago, although I have had it for a nice chunk of my life. It is something that while I am still just in the beginning stages of starting to understand and control, I don't feel that it is something that I should have to be ashamed of or have to worry about others finding out about it. unfortunately though there is quite a large amount of stigma that surrounds mental illness especially "serious mental illness", which they are for those that suffer from them (and those close to them as well) unfortunately though it also makes it sound scarier t...

The Attacks Start At the Last Minute

With only a week left until ballots mail out in Washington state, Protect Marriage Washington has started airing their first ad in what is doubtless to be a series of ads to run threw the election on Nov 6. as the Seattle times says about this time in the election cycle "for a ballot measure that isn't up on the air now is missing a big opportunity. Ballots mail out next week" and it appears that even though they are late to the race compared to the Approve campaign that has had ads running for months between Washington United for marriage and an ad run by Seattle Pride during the summer Olympics they seem to be coming out of the gate swinging using some of the same old tactics that have proven so effective in the past in scaring the public into voting their way. although this time they seem to have thrown in another tool to their approach ...

A North West View

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