While I do have things in my life that are going well and things that I am looking forward to very much and am very excited about, like going to the Eugene Oregon showing of The Right To Love: An American Family, which I am really excited about, I have just a lot of stuff going on that is just starting to ware on me and possibly starting to drag me down a little. Of course now I have to reschedule my Psychiatrist appointment another 2-3 weeks out because I have to fill in for a coworker who is going on vacation.
I have been having quite a bit of trouble sleeping as of late, which has lead me to buy some Advil PM today to try and hopefully get my first full nights sleep in a quite a long time as that is something that is definitely becoming more and more detrimental as it goes on longer and longer. not only have I been having trouble getting to sleep I have been having trouble not waking up to early, nor has my sleep been that restful ether as it seems to keep getting disturbed by dreams even though I can't quite remember them I am aware that they have happened. I know that the dreams seem to be emotionally exhausting and leave me waking up not only emotionally but mentally and even physically worn out, which just makes it that much harder to get threw the day.
Lately I keep seeming not only to be reliving mentally, and in my memory events/things that I really don't want to relive, yet when I am emotionally it feels just like it is the reality of the hear and now when it is not. It takes quite a bit of effort to then bring myself back to the hear and now and try to reassure my self that it was just a memory, what is even worse though are the mentally fabricated events that feed off of the memories and not only blend the past but also the future together and are the ones that are the most upsetting. I don't want to keep reliving and experiencing such emotionally upsetting things, but I am also very deeply afraid of them happening again too.
I am so upset by them that I don't really even want to say quite what it is that is bothering me especially out loud as I feel so much like no one else would really understand. But I also worry that not letting it out to anyone is also a recipe for disaster, so I guess I will just say that I am once again being haunted not only be actual memories (and the very strong emotions that go along with them) but mental fictional constructions of my hospitalization in the hospitals mental health unit, during my last very bad bout of depression. Not only that but I severely fear that somehow its waiting like a crouching tiger waiting to pounce on me when I least expect. Even Though I know logically it dose not make since, emotionally it feels so very true and very real.