A North West View

What is pride?  I could give a history lesson on how pride first started along with the modern gay rights movement with the stone wall riots, but I think by now that is something that if not all most know, and if they don't they can easily find out or find some one that dose.  Instead I want to try to answer the question of what is pride what dose it mean now and what dose it stand for now.  I want to answer this because like every other thing in life as time has passed things have changed somethings for the better some possibly not all depending on ones view, but they have not stayed statically the same, as that is all but imposable in life.

 Health and being healthy is not always as simple as it would seem and is not always something that you can see and tell simply by looking at some one else, their is one big aspect of health that often can't easily be seen just by looking at some one and that the only way to actually know about is for them to open up to you and tell you how they are doing, and honestly tell you if anything is wrong.  That is mental health, a subject that even though much effort has been put into trying to destigmatize and is something that still has very negative stigmas attached to much of it and that it is still often quite culturally acceptable to portray in very negative lights and stereotypes.   It is the kind of health that can and is often struggle with in the dark, and where having an issue or even an "disorder" is something that still carries a heavy negative weight with it our culture.  It is also something that even if one is willing to admit that their might be something wrong

What is control and what dose it mean to be in control?  Is control keeping people even your own family and friends at arms length, not letting them see you, or know fully what is ever going on with you, only giving them rear glimpses control?  Is burying your emotions as deep as you can so that those around you can't ever see what they truly are control?  Is lying to others and telling half truths control?  Is not taking or doing anything that can control your mood even medications, control?  Or are all of these things really signs of being out of control and just desperate grasps at some level of control?  I don't know the answer to these questions because I do keep my friends and family at, at least an arms length so that they don't truly see me, who I am and what I am going threw.  I bury my emotions so deeply most of the time that really it is hard for people to know truly what I am feeling, I lie and tell half truths to those around me.  This blog is one of the only p

This seems to happen a lot, even with in the gay community, others are judged on if they are the right kind of gay.  It's bad enough that those outside of the community insist on having a say on if one is gay enough, but them those inside have to as well.  For me I seem to fall in that strange middle ground at times, from those outside of the gay community IE straight people seem to know that I'm gay and I have been told by coworkers that even before I confirmed it to them, that I was pretty obvious and they spotted it from like a mile away.  But when it comes to other inside of the community I seem to be viewed as ether not gay enough, or trying to be "heteronormative" simply for being who I am.  It is a spot that I do find to be a little frustrating at times as no one like to really be analyzed in such a way let alone to be the odd man out, as it seems like their is a very set standard on what one must be in order to actually be a correct gay.

I know that one way to define crazy is to do the same things over and over again and expect a different out come, and I also know that to an extent that is exactly what I am contemplating as an option when it comes to how to deal with, handling my disorder.  I know that not taking medications leads me to keep on cycling and that doing so could very well possibly land me ether back in a hospital or worse dead from my own doing.  Yet I am still wondering if I should do medications or if I should forgo them against what seems to be a face of most recommended medical advice, and research for that matter.

Like I said I was probably going to do I am going to be spending some time doing, I am going to be talking more about the recent events in my personal life as well as some other issues that I am facing and choices and all that other good stuff that I am going to be having to make and things that I am going to actually have to come to terms with.  To save some time and to avoid needlessly repairing things I will simply drop a link to the last pos t so that those who have missed it can get caught up, and so that I can pick up right where I want to start anyway, I would also like to direct you to a post from Bryan at Gay Family Values  which after reading his brilliantly written post has inspired me to open up some more and to share more as well. 

I know that many of you, have been scared by my posts lately, and to be perfectly honest so was I as they where raw expressions of how I felt and exactly what I was thinking when I wrote them, even a little held back and restrained if that is possible.  I also know that my sudden disappearance from not only my blog but all my web profiles might have scared you too.  For that I would like to apologize, but also tell you that it was because I was in a place where I would be safe and where I could get some help and get pointed once again in the right direction with a path out of the darkness along with a light at the end of the long tunnel to strive to reach.  I will probably blog on this who episode and experience in much more depth tomorrow and in the upcoming days, and explain much more clearly and precisely exactly what happened. but for now I will tell you that (and I have no shame in saying it, as at times every one gets in over their head and needs help out) I had/have been in the