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Only God Can Understand Me

What is control and what dose it mean to be in control?  Is control keeping people even your own family and friends at arms length, not letting them see you, or know fully what is ever going on with you, only giving them rear glimpses control?  Is burying your emotions as deep as you can so that those around you can't ever see what they truly are control?  Is lying to others and telling half truths control?  Is not taking or doing anything that can control your mood even medications, control?  Or are all of these things really signs of being out of control and just desperate grasps at some level of control?  I don't know the answer to these questions because I do keep my friends and family at, at least an arms length so that they don't truly see me, who I am and what I am going threw.  I bury my emotions so deeply most of the time that really it is hard for people to know truly what I am feeling, I lie and tell half truths to those around me.  This blog is one of the only places that I even let a true glimpse into me to happen.  Only God know what it is that is me, as I don't even know the answer to that at times.

I have avoided, drugs and drinking to the point of being buzzed/drunk, not because it is the right thing to do, or because they are bad for you, but because I am afraid to lose the control over my self and what I present to others, not only in the mask that I present to the world, but in my ability to remember what information I have given to them and what I have not. And now I know I am sounding like some sort of physio monster, but now we touch on the other deep seated fear, one that I don't let any one know that it is a serious fear of mine, the fear that I am somehow out of my mind and that if I let others in, if I let others have a window into my mind that they will find me out of my mind and that I will wind up at the funny farm.  This is something that I fear with every fiber of my being, a fear that flows threw me and just talking about it makes me tingle as if at any moment some one is going to shove some sharp instrument into me exposing my insides to the world out side. I don't know what it is to be normal, I don't even know really what is normal for me, so the fact that now I have people actively seeking to bring me to a state of normal to use drugs in the form of medications to make me normal is a thought that is almost as frightening if not as frightening as if they where to say to me they wanted to chop me up into little pieces. 

I am taking medications, and to those around me I strive to present this as something that is positive and something that I want to do and something that I intend to do, but it is something that I really actually afraid of doing, and is something that with every passing moment the voice that is my inner thoughts the ones that I hardly ever let those around me hear, is screaming at me that I should not do this that I should not take these medications, that I should not see a Physiatrist.  That I am only going down a path that is going to lead me into being discovered as some sort of crazy, and not just a crazy but one that needs to be locked away. the more I fear this the harder and harder I try to lie to those around me to put on an ever better facade so that they can't see the fear and the terror that lies beneath. 

I don't want to take the medications that those around me say that I should take need to take, to bring me to a state of normal well being, I afraid that in trying to do so that not only will the only me that I have ever know will get buried, buried under an onslaught of chemicals, but that they will find that I am truly broken, broken beyond repair.  But that even then that will not stop them from trying lord know what on me first, because the me that I know the me that I have only ever know is not the me that I am supposed to be. 

I'm afraid, I'm deeply afraid, afraid of what lies in front of me.


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