A North West View

So today I would like to talk about, and attempt to talk out, my issue of even though I'm out still feeling uncomfortable and ashamed about my sexuality. It is something that I in all honesty dread and hate talking about in person. (ironically enough I know) When I do or others tend to talk to me about it, unless its one of the rear times where I actually drop my "guard" to them, I deal with it by making very homophobic type jokes, at my own experience.  Even though it makes me feel like crap, but I do it and I pretend that I think it's funny and that I love it.

So lately I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the lack of a really driving force in my life.  It seems that while every one else seems to have a driving force a goal that they are striving towards I am adrift at sea riderless with no idea what direction I'm going, nor what direction I want to go in. I can even look at my brother who did head start for the last two years of high school, and graduated both high school and technical collage with a degree and went straight into the welding field and is already building a career doing something he loves.  Yet I me I seem to have not found an ambition that drives me at all.