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Adrift At Sea

So lately I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the lack of a really driving force in my life.  It seems that while every one else seems to have a driving force a goal that they are striving towards I am adrift at sea riderless with no idea what direction I'm going, nor what direction I want to go in. I can even look at my brother who did head start for the last two years of high school, and graduated both high school and technical collage with a degree and went straight into the welding field and is already building a career doing something he loves.  Yet I me I seem to have not found an ambition that drives me at all.

It just seems that nothing seems to come along, and no matter how hard I think I have tried nothing has worked to help me find that one driving force that career that will drive me.  It just seems that every one else knows and I don't.  It seems the only constant thing the only thing in my life that has not changed, the only thing besides faith that has helped get me threw the darkest points in my life is my desire to find that right man and raise a family with him. If I could have my way in a perfect would I would be a stay at home father, But I know in this day and age that is not practical

know I should be going to school, I should be studying working towards a career something to spend my life my working years poring my energy into, my coworkers and friends always tell me that always ask me what my interest are.  But that's that problem I don't know I don't really have any driving interest, I don't really have any that impassioned me, or at least that when I'm at the points in my life where I don't care about living, I don't have any that I care about that I have any drive to do anything about, they are just things.  Parts of the life that I at the time don't care about living.

I do some times wonder if I will ever any more find lasting happiness, let alone have a long term relationship. (I know I'm only 22) the longest one I have been in was my very first one which lasted about half a year, unfortunately he got scared away in part shortly after I suddenly slipped into one of my depressions and had one of my suicidal fixation breakdowns (unstoppable racing thoughts of how to kill my self and just wanting to do so with ever fiber of being) fallowed by being deeply depressed and disinterested in life in general. the other two where much shorter lived, with the second ending due to total lack of sex drive on my part (again its ether all or nothing with that aspect) last most recent is far more complicated and I will not go into here. I seriously wonder if I will be able to maintain a long term relationship, as most people with all rights expect relative stability in emotions and sex drive.  They don't expect to have there partner suddenly plunge into having suicidal thoughts and wanting to kill them selves, nor do they expect to them to go from wanting to do it literally all the time to having no desire to do it at all. I guess all I can hope is that what I am doing now to try help make much better works, although I still wounder what kind of effect it will have on potential relationships.

I have gotten off track, thank you for your patients with the detour and now back for the closing. So I have often found my self wondering how one finds their driving force, how they find the passion for that career path that they choose. How they find that out of every thing, is it chance, is it something they spent countless years searching for, is it a combination of both?  Have I just not had my light bulb moment yet? Have I wasted years of my life not knowing it, have I not looked hard enough?  Or are all the questions really just all one and the same?


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