A North West View

It seems that ever increasingly that manufactured outrage is what fuels the political debate pushed squarely forwarded by the new Tea Party Movement and the ever growing political divide that seems to be seeping into ever level of politics.  This outrage very seldom seems to be based on any actual facts but instead ignore the facts all together and is based solely on propaganda manufactured senses of hysteria and threat.  This could be seen all threw the health care debate with the "not shovel read", "death panel" for grandma protest sign welding people, to the death threat, sending, racial slur, homophobic epitaphs shouting protester after the passage of the historic reform, but it can also quite often be seen on a local level.  Although usually more subdued even if not that much more rational when it comes to dealing with the real facts of issues.

Today I am going to talk about  current state of impasse and indecision about what to do when it comes to trying to deal with the problems that I am having.  I know that things emotionally and mood (stability) wise are very much not getting better and have hit an impasse and slipped, especially since I had to cut one of my medications in half do to side effects. (migraine style headache and loss of since of balance)  I also know that I seem to be ever more frustrated, angry and agitated too.

So I know that it has been a while since my last post, I do feel guilty about it, things have been um "crazy" lately is all I will say. Now I would like to move on to the topic for the post, I would like to talk about my discomfort when it comes to unprompted mater of fact honest support for me as a gay son from my mother.  It is something that I really don't understand as I know that most people would not have such an issue, now don't get me wrong its not that I am not appreciative, I truly am, I just like some many other things am so screwed up some how I have issues with even this great thing.

I really wish that my last post had been more up beat then it was, and I wish that this one was going to be easier to write then it is going to be. I also wish that this one is something that I did not have to write about, as I wish that it is something that I let alone any one never had to experience, but alas it is, so it is with that in mind, and with that truth of experience that I have decided to write this post and once again lay another piece of my soul bare for all to see, so with out further to do here we go.

So today's post is going to be just very brief as I should be trying to get to bed (although I don't know how successful that is going to be) but I think for today I'm just going to try to capture a quick "snapshot" of my soul, so hear goes  nothing, ironically at the moment quite the appropriate line as for as many things that seem to be running threw my head and as freaking restless as I seem to be I am also overpowered by the feeling of not caring about anything let alone caring about my self or anything that happens to me or about my life or living it in general. Yet I still fined that just about everything even just the simple act of writing this to be just about emotionally overwhelming yet not writing it is just about as emotionally overwhelming too.

So I would like to talk about the topic of online dating, as it is something that is not unheard in this day in age for anyone in the under like 50 age group, but its something that seems to be an especially common practice among the gay community, in part, it is a tool that really can help find potential partners and dates that in real life are so much harder to find, especially in areas where there are not large gay populations. (or where there is/are not much in the way of gay gatherings and such)   This how ever seems to be a good and a bad thing,

A quick kudos to the state Senate who unanimously(48-0) passed an anti LGBT bullying bill yesterday (after it unanimously passed the house too! 97-0) sending it to Governor Christen Gregoire desk who no surprise has vowed to sign it into law. Sorry that its not a long post today, things are not doing swimmingly for me, my moods really are crashing about quite a lot lately, especially recently i had really wanted to talk about online dating in this post but I am so amped up that I can't seem to keep my mind on track long enough to actually write anything intelligible.  I will save that subject for tommarow. (hopefully I will be able to find a time to site down and write when things are more or less not falling off the tracks) As always thank you for reading and fallowing my posts, comments and feed back are always welcome and apretiated.

So I am going to be trying to write on a more regular basses but I can't promise anything, but I am hoping that slicing the time out of the day to write a post will be something that is good for me and that it will help me to at least have one goal that I can mange to accomplish.  I really do hope to accomplish this goal although I can't promise that I will as things are not quite all "sunny in Philadelphia" so to say, to the point that was/ to a certain extent am ready after less then a week from my last visit with my doctor to call and basically demand to be taken off all my medication as I don't think its helping at all now and I really can't stand the side affects any more and I think that they are just getting worse.  But I digress as that is not what I plan on this post being about. so what I want to talk about is my one could say conflict when it comes to my "femininity" as it has been pointed out by many people I am not the most masculine g

So I have been having my emotional ups and downs lately (it dose not help that work has turned into one B.S. fest) but they have also highlighted some of my other issues, along with making things very hard and generally unpleasant to deal with most of the time.  One of them being the fact that in a little over 3 months (June 23) that I will be 24, and that my life is no where near where I had wanted it to be,  nor do I see it getting there any time soon.

So today I would like to talk about another personal topic, so please bare with me if I seem to get a little off track, as I will try to keep things as directed as possible.  So today I would like to talk about and try to explore why I spend so much time feeling so ill at ease in my own skin, why I worry I'm to gay and not my self, yet not knowing who that "self" that I'm worried I'm not being is.  I find my self doubting and uncomfortable with many of my "new" interest, and the gay ways that I will catch my self behaving, whether its some sort of remark, or just "way" of doing something, or just what I feel my general vibe is, I find it on worrying, and discomforting, I fear/worry that I have lost/ am not showing my self that was there before the gay, yet its a self that I really can't identify.  It is like the "self" that I feel that I am losing is not actually a real one but the problem is that I have spent so much time in my l