A North West View

The adventure continues and back to square one, as after finally getting the selling banks addendum to the contract as their counter offer, which with the wording it had I was not to keen on to begin with I now for the first time has its name, so being me I did some digging on them.  Unfortunately for the deal which nicely for me was and is under no contract, I am very unhappy with what I dug up and it has left me not wanting to deal with that particular bank, let alone touch any property they own with a ten foot poll. 

So my dream has again hit another patch of shaky ground speaking figuratively (as can be for the Pacific Northwest) as just two evenings ago it was discovered that there is an HOA in the tiny neighborhood of the house I'm interested in.  To complicate things the contact people for it are only available for a half hour in the evening, and unfortunately the phone number provided to us (me and my real estate agent) by the listing agent dose not work.  This only further complicated by the fact that for the most part the contacts availability window falls right during my work shifts, making it down right impossible to call them to obtain the information that I need even if I had a working phone number. 

With the fact that I accepted the sellers counter offer today, I thought that I would post and share some of the myriad of thoughts that have been mixing and mingling in my mine of late.  As those of you that have been fallowing along will know by now, the place that I am buying is in a little suburban development in an area outside of the city that I work and currently reside in, something that I am quite happy with at for me it is allowing my to buy into my own little piece of the suburban American dream, which for me is a standalone single family home on a quarter acer lot.  Which for me is part of the essence of the american dream, and one of the big blocks that is part of building a life.  Now as some of you may also know I have been wondering about if I will ever be able to build the other part of that life and that is a family of my own to fully fulfill my suburban American dream of a husband and kids.

This is a question that I often ask my self, even more so these days as the prospect of home ownership comes ever more clearly into sight.  I find my self wondering if indeed there is room for some one like me to find a loving and committed relationship (or even a relationship at all) with in the gay community, especially as I move ever forward with my plans to buy a house in the area where I have lived for the vast majority of my life and that I want to continue living and to build a life in.  I as my self this question not only because of the area that I chose to live but also because of the way I look, I freely admit that I am no module and that I carry some extra pounds on me.  I am often left with the clear impression that by the "gay" standard I might as well be a whores for that is how I find my self to be viewed.  Then add to that that I don't live in nor desire to live in ether the "gay mecca" of Seattle or Vancouver B.C.  and that instead I am trying

Another example of why we so desperately needed Hilary instead of Obama, he has once again managed to play bend over backwords to please the republicans, with absolutely no guarantee that they will go threw on their part of the bergen and a road map of recent history that they will not.  This time it is in extending the Bush tax cuts to the top 2% of Americans, a move that this country can ill afford to make, as well as lowering the inheritance tax for amounts over 1million dollars.  All in the hopes that the republicans will indeed vote to extend unemployment benefits for another few months for the many Americans who are among the long term unemployed.  All this not just immediately but the long term adding to the massively mounting deficit that increasingly threatens to drown our economy by the time it eventually makes a semblance of a recovery.  All so that the republican leadership can adhere to their 30 year disproved theory of trickle down economics that even Regions economics gu

So for those of you that don't know and that would be all of you, I was trying to set up a coffee date with a charming guy that I had met online (names and descriptions left out to protect the innocent) well amongst simple conversation of what he was up to he mentioned he was at Walmart shopping.  Now is time for every one to look at me like a two headed alien, to which I simply said I have not set foot in one in years they have very anti union practices, and I'm a proud and supportive union member. (UFCW) apparently something that in his book was a totally wrong and very bad thing to be, as he proceeded to say that was not good because unions are bad, and he did not give a damn about them.  No giant insurmountable deal, not ideal but not a show stop I thought, as I basically said as long as you don't bash mine we are fine.  Again apparently not good as he did not like unions at all, he did not like hearing about them, nor when people liked them.  after all he only cared ab

I have been busy with work and other things in life, I have not heard back on the house yet, hopefully some time soon. I should also have some time tomorrow to sit down and do a more in depth blog and get everything brought back up.  As always thanks to my followers.

I know it have been a while since my last post, but as one can probably predict I have been busy between work, the upcoming holidays and the fact that I am now actively hunting for houses.  Well yesterday I got to see two ones that I had been interested in from the outside and from their listings, which allowed one of them to be quite quickly after a good look threw be dropped right off the the contenders list.  While I expanded my search area and exclude one previously included area, with some new knowledge including commute time. So Thursday after I get off work, I am again meeting with my realtor, and should be seeing some other listings that I am interested in, and possibly finding some more to added to the list of possibilities.  So for the moment I am still in the process of finding the right property, at the right price in the the right area.  But I am still quite optimistic and excited to see more of what is out there.  I hope to find some more time to further update you all

So today when I called the Credit Union to check in on the progress of my application like they had said to do, I got the good news, I am approved!  So now I can get an agent and start rooting that home out!  I am very excited, and have already contact my first choice of real estate agent to see if they are interested in taking on the task of helping me.  Although I do have a little chunk of properties I'm already interested in that I have been checking out online.  I am hoping to be home shopping here pretty soon!

So I called the bank (Credit Union) today, and was told by the loan officer dealing with my application that the bank was ready to approve me for 100K and that all they need is to have the mortgage insurance company sign off on that.

Some can already picture the day that you and your beloved sofa walk down the isle to commit your selves to each other for the rest of your life.  Well by some I mean candidate of Wisconsin lieutenant governor Rebecca kleefisch, who in a recent debate said that gay marriage in the state would lead to people marring inanimate objects like "this table or you know this chair" which even for the slippery slop crowed is a new level of crazy.  I mean now not only do at least some of these folks think that gay marriage will lead straight couples to commit adultery, turn our schools into gay wedding boot camps but that now it will lead to people taking a romantic fancy to their sofas and coffee tables and marring them.  

So Tuesday I got my few questions answers and all the paperwork the bank sent me signed initialed and mailed back to them, so that my loan application can continue threw the process.  I am quite hopeful as from the little that I was told things sound pretty good, which I am happy about but not truly surprised about.   I am however now in the wait and hold pattern while I wait to hear back from the bank.

So I am seriously beginning to think that my idea of trying to get into the market was/is a stupid one, in no small part to the paper work that showed up today for me from the bank, all of it basically repeats from the the stuff I filled out/approved online, for me to sign so they can begin to process my loan application.  Something that was supposedly happening all of the previous week, amongst the paperwork are documents that seem to require I put the horse before the buggy and some how have a homeowners insurance policy on a place I have not even found yet let-alone have a loan approved to start looking for yet!  Not only that they now want $500 to keep for the pleasure of possibly not approving me, with non of the paper work giving any idea how likely some sort of approval is.   At this point the idea of the whole thing is seeming very stupid and like I should just let it die.  As it is I think I'm going to have to make an appointment to go over this stuff with the bank to get

I thought I would take some time to do a nice fun post, and give a couple of updates about what is going one with me in the proses.  So first off for the last 3 nights I had been working graveyard at the "north store" doing a price changing class to be officially trained as the back up price changer for when one of our two price changers takes some time off or has an family emergency I can now officially step in and do their work. I am also patiently waiting to hear from the bank on the home loan pre approval application that I submitted them. And now time to get down to the main show and that is the list of my top favorite songs of this year,

So I have been putting serious thought into moving out on my own for the last little while and especially now at trying to actually by a place of my own.  I have brought this up with Mom (and my brother already) and they both think its a good idea to pro-sue, and I want to bring it up with Dad to get his opinion, feedback and advice, however I am having a very hard time doing so.  I just can't seem to bring the subject up with him, It's like I want to but I simply can vocalize it at all, and it is very confusing and also frustrating. 

Seeing all the gay suicides lately and Dan Savage's reply with his It Gets Better Project has inspired me to do an it gets better post.  I have been meaning to do this for a while now (as well as a video probably to come at some time after this) and I figure I had better do this now before I never do.  This post is dedicated to all the youths that have taken their lives and I hope that any young people who might read this find it of value and that it prevents just even one more tragedy.

With the ballots going in the mail in just five days I am still on the fence when it comes to initiative 1098 which would institute an state income tax in washington state, which is something of course the state has not had.  As it is writing now is would only effect those making individually 200,00 or more a year and couples making 400,00 with a five percent income tax and individuals making 500,000 or more and couples making 1,000,000 or more a year with an nine percent income tax, of which the majority would go to public education and health care.  Both of which are wildly important services,  it would also reduce the state portion of property taxes by 20% exempt many small business and lower B&O taxes on business.  Both sides how ever seem to have good points, about why it should and should not be passed.

So this is probably no surprise, but I have been thinking for moving out of my parents house for a while now but recently the idea has been getting more serious, and I have been actively looking at what is out there and available when it comes to apartments.  Well recently a friend laid a seed in my mind about the possibility of Buying a condo, in part because with the market for all housing the way it is now home prices are cheap and condos are cheep too.  Well I decided I would give it a peak and to my surprise I found that the monthly cost of a mortgage on a condo would be less then that for the rent of an apartment!  So now my mind is also seriously considering the possibility of actually buying seeing as I have more then enough money in savings to make a good sized down payment.  It an idea that I would really like to try to talk about with some one that has experience, simply because I do want to know if it is a crazy idea or not.  But mom dose not like even talking about the ide

It may just be me however I doubt it, not only in the face of the recent rash of suicides related to gay bulling, but also the increasing rash of homophobic attacks across this country (and around the world) that homophobia is on the rise one more.  It seems that despite what the public opinion polls and surveys show in the ways of increasing support and acceptance for LGBT people, that in reality the world is becoming a more risky and dangerous place for those of us that live our lives openly.

This is the answer that we need to give clearly and loudly to the right wing christian fundamentalist at Focus On The Family!   Now in the face of the tragic wave of suicides during September of young teens gay/suspected to be gay teens being bullied to death, it can not be clear that option to Anti Bulling programs and legislation for this nations schools is the same as pulling the trigger and killing our own children, the very people who are supposed to be the future of our country!  They are the ones accusing others of politicising this issue and making it a gay issue,  when it is them that are politicising the issue and painting it as a "gay" issue instead of what it really is, a human issue and issue of life in death of doing what is necessary to help and save the lives of the children of this country.  How many more children must die, must kill them selves because of the bulling that they are being put threw for simply being different, before we stand up and say enough

So I have been toying with the idea of getting some sort of "man bag" more in the lines of a messenger bag to carry all my stuff in, as I always seem to not have the items I need/want when I need/want them as inevitably they are ether siting at home because they would not fit in my pockets or in the car because they would not fit in my pockets and are thus not available.  Not to mention that my pockets have a tendency to get over stuffed with out even having the things that I need and want all being there. 

Well Sunday he text-ed me to see if I was willing to talk on the past Monday, well of course I said yes in the hopes that I could get some answers try to fix things between us.

Well not the news that I was expecting to share with you, nor the day I was expecting to share any relationship news with you.   Well seeing as it's 12:11 pm as I am writing this I was apparently dumped yesterday, just before I started work.  This all came as a surprise as to the best of my knowledge things with our relationship where going well,

Well it turns out that while I was trying to figure out how to ease Dad into the idea and test to waters mom decided to have a direct conversation with him.  Something I had not asked her to do, but being mom not something I'm shocked that she did seeing as part of her desire is to have my BF welcome at the house.  The end result was that dad is willing to have dinner and meet him, "because that's what it's going to take"  and that this Sunday is the day. 

Well a couple of my friends (from an auto form I'm part of) suggested that amongst talking to my boyfriend and letting him know that it will take time before I can introduce Dad to him and that doing so my likely bring with it negative reactions from Dad.  The other step of their advice is to try to feel the waters by letting him know that they is some one special in my life that would like to meet him sooner then latter.  Advice that I think is good advice, although it is advice that at least so far has not worked well.  I was thinking about that advice yesterday when I was upstairs watching TV/ talking with Mom and Dad,

So Adam (my boyfriend) has been talking about meeting my family, especially my dad and brother after he briefly got to meet my mom (who really wants to get to spend more time with him and to get to know him better) and spending some time with my best friend.  I can totally understand his wanting to meet my dad, as for one thing I live with my family, and for the fact that most people want to meet the parents of their partner as it is one of the things that signifies the seriousness of a relationship.  I would love to introduce him to my Dad as much as he would like to meet him, but I don't feel that it is that easy and I'm not sure how or if that will be possible and unfortunately not only dose that make me unhappy but it also adds a level of complication to the relationship that I don't feel should have to be there.  I really wish that I felt introducing Dad to Adam would be as easy as it should be, and as I feel Adam would like it to be, however I think that it is somet

So it has been a while since I last posted, and now that I have managed to find some time to carve out to update you all in what is becoming a very nicely busy social schedule I thought that I would do so.  So things have been going very nicely for me, especially given the events that brought about my last post.  One of the best things that has happened is that I started to see some one in the time in between post and that we are official Boyfriends!! Something that makes my very happy, and that I just can't resist thinking about. 

That is the message I have to a former friend Jared Evans of mine who happened to have also been an ex, if he wants to throw me out the window as a friend then I do say good riddance. If you want to throw away a friendship based on the fact that even thought you are in an open relationship I don't want to have sex with you, and have made that abundantly clear to you for the months you have been pursuing it before finally trying to your partner in your "open relationship" to try to help stop them then it is your loss not mine. 

I have decided that a video is worth a thousand words in this case.  In this video I talk about my experiences and thoughts on dating in the gay community, as well as my issues with it.  So without anything further after the jump is the video.

As has been in the news Prop 8 in California was overturned Wednesday, by federal Judge Walker, in a decision that the ban was unconstitutional. I don't feel a need to go into a detail recap of the ruling as it's already all over the news and web, instead I feel like focusing on some of the lunacy that the ruling has brought to the surface amongst those that oppose marriage equality, as well as my own personal feelings over the whole situation. As is not entirely unexpected with a ruling like this the anti marriage equality crusaders have very suddenly gotten their panties in a twist and have thus started to spout their over the top rhetoric not only about how this ruling is judicial activism, that it will destroy the family and nation as we know it but also about their conspiracy theories on why this decision was made the way it was in the first place. One of the most interesting being the FRC (family research councils) who in large part see this as a decades long conspirac

Some of you may not know this but the workers at Mott's factory in Williamson NY (their only factory) have been forced out on strike, after the company walked away from the bargaining table when the workers refused to accept a new contract that cut wages buy $1.50 an hour while downgrading the medical plan increasing employee medical cost as well as slashing their pension and 401K plans.  Even thought the company recently acquired by Dr. Pepper Snapple, made a profit of $555 million last year as well as increase in stock value of 35%!  To add further insult to injury over the time of "economic hardship" that company is using to justify the wage, pension, 401K cuts and increase in worker health care cost, those in charge of the company proceeded to double their salaries!

As the title probably makes clear I have returned from my vacation, well really I returned Sunday afternoon but with unpacking, jet lag and some caching up with friends this is the first chance I have had to sit down and write about it.  As some of you may know I went to upstate New York with mom to visit the area that she grew up in and to meet relatives, which was exciting for me because the last time that I had been back out east to meet mom's side of the family was before I was 5.  So for me even though I had meet most all of these relative (with the exception of those born way after my last visit) I did not remember meeting them.  That and getting to see the different places that mom talks about from when she was a kid.

Well the title probly gives it away, but unless you are doing drugs the hotel that dad has put mom and I up in is not one that you would want to stay in.  I am not lying when I say that this is obviously a hotel populer amount those on drugs and some form of prison work release. The first giant warning sign should have been the fact that a wooden dowel is what keeps the windows from opening on their own!! Unfortanitly the added light of an open window only added to the wows of the room.  It only made it clear that every pice of furniture is coverded in stains, as well as the floor, along with bleach spots.

Yes that was one of the things that a customer who took it upon them selves to "preach" to me during my job, while I was stuck helping cut his keys and find the other random items that he said he needed help finding.  Strangely this is not the first time I have attracted the type that decided to do some preaching to me to help "being me to Christ" while I'm on the job and their captive audience stuck helping do something for them, how ever this was one of the first times that I really had to bite my tongue to avoid saying or doing something that I would regret and that could get me in trouble with my bosses.

I know it have been quite a while since my last blog entry, luckily that is due to very good news, the first of which being that I was able to swoop into a "day shift" position at work and get back to the closing shifts that I used to work, unfortunately for my blogging that has also meant a slight period of readjusting to that schedule. Unfortunately during this period I have had a little trouble finding the time to squeeze the blogging in, but I hope to be remedying that here pretty soon. The other good news that has been taking up time that I also would have normally be able to try to devote to some blogging is that I'm getting ready to take my first real vacation in 3 years, something that has me very physiced!

It was just about unanimous with all the justices except for Justice Clarance Thomas objecting to the courts decision to uphold Washington's public disclosure laws, and ruling that the signatures on the petitions for Ref 71 can be released.  They how ever are not being released at the moment because Protect Marriage Washington, the group that got R71 on the ballot back in 09 has a case to be heard in a lower court to get the release of the names prevented.  This is allowed as the case they brought before the supreme court was a challenge to conditionality of the States disclosure law that required disclosure of the names when requested, unless a court order prevented it. The court found, with Justice John Roberts Jr. writing the ruling, that Washington's disclosure law, which only effects disclosing names of those that singed, dose not violate the first amendment.  They of course left open as currently is the possibility for groups to seek action to prevent and stop the names

I have some great news to share!  For those of you that have been fallowing my blog you will know that for about the last half a year I have been stuck working grave yard shifts, well my days off working in the darkness are coming to an end! As of yesterday it was made totally official that I was official that I got an open closing position so I will now be going back to working the same closing shifts that I had been working before I moved onto grave yards.  I am very happy about this as I have been wanting it since shortly after I got switched over onto graveyards so now that it has finally happened I'm very happy.  It's great because I will finally be getting back to a shift where I can sleep when my body wants to sleep!!  That now I will actually be awake during the day especially and most critically on my day off, which for me is a big step into getting back into being back into out and about in the world when I am not working so allowing me to do things I enjoy like pho

I really am having trouble handling anything lately and it's not getting any better, I really am getting to the point that I want to just give up on every thing that I'm doing and supposed to be doing to try to help me live the normal balanced life that I really do want to get back/or too!  It really is getting to the point that doing what needs to be done simply to take care of my self normally let alone the things that are now required as part of the medical process to try to help get me to the life that I want are getting to be to hard to deal with. 

Amongst the gloom there is some bright news, here in Washington state support for Same Sex Marriage has grown by 5% in the last year since R71 was passed expanding Washington's  "Domestic Partnership" laws to extend all the state rights responsibilities and protections of marriage just with out the name, those earning it the nick name the everything but marriage law.

No surprise Bill O'Reilly, is once more sending his no spin zone spinning out of control, as he has taken up issue with a McDonald's add from France, that as part of their "come as you are series of adds" features a subtle gay "them" to it. as the add starts out with the teen sons sitting waiting for his father to get the food from the counter when his cell rings and he talks to one of his classmates as a couple would about how he looks good in the class pic and that he misses them. its not till the end you find out that the class is all boys. and then the tag line "come as you are".

It has been a while since I have posted. a big part of that is simply I am finding it hard to be inspired at the moment. The other part would be that my emotional instability has realy ratcheted up lately. It has gotten back up to being so intense on the down side that when I crash and am down I just want to be dead. I also have to get after my self because it's so intense I feel mad at my self for not being able to overdose on something and just end these the cycles. I am trying everything I know how to do to deal with this, and I hope to be able to hang in there. I am disappointed I had to reup on one of the meds we where trying to get off of, but I don't know if that it or not, I doubt it will. It may sound bad but even though I know there can be good times in my life, I wish I where dead because these lows are to hard and nothing is ever going to stop them from comeing like they do, and I'm tired of fighting them.

Well as the title clearly indicates I'm frustrated, I am frustrated with the direction that my life is going, and now the hope full lights that made it that much less of a chore to not let my self slip back into another dark place have slowly but very purposefully been extinguished.  In stead their being extinguished just seems to highlight the fact that i would say i should pack my bags because I'm on my way to hell but for the most part I'm already there and this just shows that I'm trapped and the sub basement is the next destination so don't bother packing!

I was looking threw Queerty today and ran across a this little pic article which in it's self is very cute, but one of the comment is what caught my attention.  That comment was that basically in our society boys are taught not to show their emotions and most specifically ones what could be seen as weak.  The comment brought up the idea that if in our society we could move away for the idea that a man is weak for experiencing and freely expressing his emotions not only would men as a whole be mentally and psychological healthier but the society as a whole would be heather and much more peaceful.  This idea has kind of struck me.

So my string of great relationship disasters continues, I keep trying to remind my self that like my friend says that things have worked out for the best but breaking up always sucks.  So yeah, you all may not be aware but for 3 days I did have a (long distance) boyfriend,(in VA) unfortunately things ended very nastily. I don't know why other then the fact that like any relationship I ever get into I seem to open my self up to the person way to much way to soon to the point that even when so early in a relationship if it ends it hits me much harder then it dose most others.  Then of course there is the way it ended, it ended in a big fight unfortunately do to circumstances it had to play out over text message, yet I had not wanted it to end.

Today I am going to take a brake from some of the more political and deep social topics and instead just talk do a little bit about me and just some of the things that have been on my mind lately. So as the title implies this post will have some songs thrown in with it as well that I think will help set the mood, plus let me share some of my favorite songs with you all.  So join me after the jump!

I know the topic that has been debated and talked about practically since the dawn of time, but now its my turn to throw my two cents into debate.  This is brought up Moe in the context of the idea of the "gay accent" as YouTube's StraightActingGayGuy puts it, which is less to to with how high pitched (or not) the voice is but the manor in which the guy speaks to where they have the "gay accent", to get an idea of what I am talking about here is the Youtube vid that sparked this post

After just finishing reading threw the 61 page transcript of the Supreme Court proceedings and I would say if you have the time that it is definitely not as dry as one would imagine it to be, however you do get the since that the press coverage is very on the ball when they say that the justices are not thrilled at all by the legal argument of Mr. James Bopp Jr the lawyer representing Protect Marriage Washington in this case.   It becomes quite clear that 7 of the justices well since they are also the only ones talking  are really not inclined to Mr Bopp's arguments with  Justice Anthony Scalia jumping him right off the bat hardly one sentence into his opening statement. Mr Bopp comes off as spending much of his time on the defensive trying to fend of constant grilling and interrogation from the justices as they poke and produce holes and gapes into his case, in the case of justice Scalia done quite often with over exuberance. 

The US Supreme Court is scheduled to start oral arguments on April 28th over the release of the names of  those that signed Referendum 71, which was the failed bid in 2009 to try to over turn WA new "every thing but marriage" domestic partnership laws at the time.   The case which concerns the release into public record, as prescribed by washington state discolor law, of 138,000 names of those who signed the potion in order to get it onto the ballot.  As noted washington state law requires that the names of those who sign potions be released into public record where they are free for any one to access, and this has been the law for the last 40 yeas since it was instituted threw a voter approved initiative itself.

Well Finally Obama has used some of the power of the office of president to make a concrete mover for LGBT equality (notably one that he could and really should have done with DADT) threw presidential order.  President Obama ordered that all hospitals that take medicare and medicaid must allow same-sex partners of patients to visit, and that patients have the power to chose a same-sex partner to make medical decisions for them should they become unable to.  This is significant in the fact that because it is attached to medicare medicaid it affects nearly every hospital in the country as nearly every one take them.  This order also has an effect for straight patients as it also allows them to declare a non direct relative or even close friend to make medical decisions for them if need be instead of next of kin the would normally be prescribed by law.  

It has been a while since I have posted a blog, and there are several things that I would like to talk about in today's blog. Recently there has been this issue of "straight pride" T Shirts which I think Bryan did a great job writing on in his blog Gay Family Values , and I recommend that every one go read his post, as I'm going to be straight on quite a tangent that it and the comments got going in my head.   That tangent has to do with the roll that relationships play in our lives. (any one's lives)

So I am just going to quickly say that I am still around, and sorry about the long hideous, things have been hectic.  I have again been into see the doctor have meds adjusted and another one added to hopefully help deal with the extreme amount of instability that I have still been experiencing lately.  I should hopefully be able to start carving out some good quality time to blog again.  Once again thanks for fallowing my blog. :-)

It seems that ever increasingly that manufactured outrage is what fuels the political debate pushed squarely forwarded by the new Tea Party Movement and the ever growing political divide that seems to be seeping into ever level of politics.  This outrage very seldom seems to be based on any actual facts but instead ignore the facts all together and is based solely on propaganda manufactured senses of hysteria and threat.  This could be seen all threw the health care debate with the "not shovel read", "death panel" for grandma protest sign welding people, to the death threat, sending, racial slur, homophobic epitaphs shouting protester after the passage of the historic reform, but it can also quite often be seen on a local level.  Although usually more subdued even if not that much more rational when it comes to dealing with the real facts of issues.

Today I am going to talk about  current state of impasse and indecision about what to do when it comes to trying to deal with the problems that I am having.  I know that things emotionally and mood (stability) wise are very much not getting better and have hit an impasse and slipped, especially since I had to cut one of my medications in half do to side effects. (migraine style headache and loss of since of balance)  I also know that I seem to be ever more frustrated, angry and agitated too.

So I know that it has been a while since my last post, I do feel guilty about it, things have been um "crazy" lately is all I will say. Now I would like to move on to the topic for the post, I would like to talk about my discomfort when it comes to unprompted mater of fact honest support for me as a gay son from my mother.  It is something that I really don't understand as I know that most people would not have such an issue, now don't get me wrong its not that I am not appreciative, I truly am, I just like some many other things am so screwed up some how I have issues with even this great thing.

I really wish that my last post had been more up beat then it was, and I wish that this one was going to be easier to write then it is going to be. I also wish that this one is something that I did not have to write about, as I wish that it is something that I let alone any one never had to experience, but alas it is, so it is with that in mind, and with that truth of experience that I have decided to write this post and once again lay another piece of my soul bare for all to see, so with out further to do here we go.

So today's post is going to be just very brief as I should be trying to get to bed (although I don't know how successful that is going to be) but I think for today I'm just going to try to capture a quick "snapshot" of my soul, so hear goes  nothing, ironically at the moment quite the appropriate line as for as many things that seem to be running threw my head and as freaking restless as I seem to be I am also overpowered by the feeling of not caring about anything let alone caring about my self or anything that happens to me or about my life or living it in general. Yet I still fined that just about everything even just the simple act of writing this to be just about emotionally overwhelming yet not writing it is just about as emotionally overwhelming too.

So I would like to talk about the topic of online dating, as it is something that is not unheard in this day in age for anyone in the under like 50 age group, but its something that seems to be an especially common practice among the gay community, in part, it is a tool that really can help find potential partners and dates that in real life are so much harder to find, especially in areas where there are not large gay populations. (or where there is/are not much in the way of gay gatherings and such)   This how ever seems to be a good and a bad thing,

A quick kudos to the state Senate who unanimously(48-0) passed an anti LGBT bullying bill yesterday (after it unanimously passed the house too! 97-0) sending it to Governor Christen Gregoire desk who no surprise has vowed to sign it into law. Sorry that its not a long post today, things are not doing swimmingly for me, my moods really are crashing about quite a lot lately, especially recently i had really wanted to talk about online dating in this post but I am so amped up that I can't seem to keep my mind on track long enough to actually write anything intelligible.  I will save that subject for tommarow. (hopefully I will be able to find a time to site down and write when things are more or less not falling off the tracks) As always thank you for reading and fallowing my posts, comments and feed back are always welcome and apretiated.

So I am going to be trying to write on a more regular basses but I can't promise anything, but I am hoping that slicing the time out of the day to write a post will be something that is good for me and that it will help me to at least have one goal that I can mange to accomplish.  I really do hope to accomplish this goal although I can't promise that I will as things are not quite all "sunny in Philadelphia" so to say, to the point that was/ to a certain extent am ready after less then a week from my last visit with my doctor to call and basically demand to be taken off all my medication as I don't think its helping at all now and I really can't stand the side affects any more and I think that they are just getting worse.  But I digress as that is not what I plan on this post being about. so what I want to talk about is my one could say conflict when it comes to my "femininity" as it has been pointed out by many people I am not the most masculine g

So I have been having my emotional ups and downs lately (it dose not help that work has turned into one B.S. fest) but they have also highlighted some of my other issues, along with making things very hard and generally unpleasant to deal with most of the time.  One of them being the fact that in a little over 3 months (June 23) that I will be 24, and that my life is no where near where I had wanted it to be,  nor do I see it getting there any time soon.