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Frustrated With My Life

Well as the title clearly indicates I'm frustrated, I am frustrated with the direction that my life is going, and now the hope full lights that made it that much less of a chore to not let my self slip back into another dark place have slowly but very purposefully been extinguished.  In stead their being extinguished just seems to highlight the fact that i would say i should pack my bags because I'm on my way to hell but for the most part I'm already there and this just shows that I'm trapped and the sub basement is the next destination so don't bother packing!

Now I don't want you to get the wrong impression and think that I'm a danger to my self, I'm not I use to words of frustration not because I'm in a hopeless depressed state.  The biggest reasons for this frustration has to do with my work.  Now it is to the point that I would love to be fired as I am that frustrated with the place, and I know there are that few jobs out there.  Well any hope that I would ever get off of graveyards has after being drug out of a while been thoroughly crushed.  To start with I did not get the position I apply for in the other end of the store two random collage kids got it!  I know what happened even though know one will say it, my head manager killed the deal by ether A lying about my Reviews or B throwing a giant hissy fit on how he could not afford to lose me, most likely a combination of A&B to the point that the the other manager gave up.  After all I went from having the manager for that end of the stor wanting me Some one with almost 4years experience in the store with the company who LEAD a department, as well as having the Sub department manager wanting me, to not being given the position and instead two college kids (who possibly will not be in town next year, as they are college kids) who don't have that experience at all!!

Then we get into the fact that when I applied for the position at the other end of the store I had to tell my head boss, and I told him that it was nothing against him or the department but I NEEDED TO GET OFF GRAVEYARDS. Which is true and was the reason, I needed and desperately want off graveyards.  Now it's not bad enough that since he put to kibosh on me getting that position, he also basically secretly hired in 3-4 day shift positions, and did not even give me a heads up (or the other couple of people on graveyards that got forced one that want off) about them. So knowing like the entire end of the store that I want off of graveyards and that's why I had applied for the position at the there end seeing as it was in basically the only department that did not come with a pay raise!!  It makes me extremely frustrated, I work hard I have been a great employee, I have been a good person I do not deserve to be treated like this.  I feel like this goes way over the line of screwing me over when it comes to the job, it is one thing to screw me over as I have been done many many times for I don't know what but this this is just way overboard. I was Lied to and threatened into this graveyard shift and now to prevent me any avenue of leaving it is, I have done nothing to deserve such treatment.

Then their is is frustratingly fun fact that this shift gets in the way of dating, heck it gets in the way of potently dating, as I have aptly discovered a few times now.  Even online cause after a few on site emails and such people usually do want to instant message and that, and this is normally where things just plain get killed because they talk to you once maybe twice and there is something there but because of the fact that your schedule is the polar opposite of the rest of the worlds you are very really if ever online at the same time as others.  Its so bad that you can have some one that you are both very interested in each other but it takes so long before you manage to overlap schedule wise again that they are dating someone!(yes I had that happen) Not necessarily dating but there are also certain other things that can cause you to be frustrated, especially when you have not dated in person for almost a year and a half, and well even when you have a few (ex's) that would be willing to help with that your sculds just don't work out because they are polar opposites.

Then I get to the point that I'm frustrated about the fact that next month on the 23 I will be 23, that I still live at home, that I basically have no clue what I want out of my life, that I know that the way my life is going now is not the way I want it to be going. I am frustrated that I don't really have any one to turn to my age to talk this sort of stuff out, as they all know what they want out of life and where they want to go, and I don't, and I have no clue how I am supposed to figure that out.  I feel frustrated because I feel so trapped in my life and it is a life that I feel, no I know that I don't want to live forever and I think that unless something changes it is going to be what I am stuck doing.  It's to the point that it feels almost like my only real hope is that a "prince in shining armor" comes ridding up and takes me away from it, as I can't seem to extricate my self from it at all.  after all I need the insurance from the job to cover the treatment for my bipolar and well any sort of medical emergency that may happen, but any hope of ever getting onto the shift that I need to be working for my ultimate well being has been slashed and murdered at the hands of my head manager, yet I can't extract my self for there.  Then I so want to move out of my parents house into a place of my won, but again, I'm very worried about if I do that also be forever trapped in my curant job and position, or of losing all my saving and never seeing my long term dreams materialize if something happens with the job.   Then both living at home and the job conspire to kill any pathetic resemblance of a dating life that I have. So there it all is in blak and white my frustrations.

As always thank you for reading, I would love advice and comments!


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