A North West View

I have come to the realization is that I have to come clean not only with my self, but with others, and that I let this out into the open.  I need to do this, not only so that it is not hanging over my head, even in an outlet where I have been the most able to freely talk about all aspects of my life, but so that I can start to remove some of the shame from the other more closed off areas of my public life.  Hopefully by doing so this should allow me to take some of the fear that this will be discovered which has also been keeping me from finding out more about what this really means and how to make things better for my self.

This is the question, unfortunately I don't know that the answer is at all simple, as the secret is one that to reveal I have fear with only make others if not fear me, see me in very badly stigmatized light.  As this secret is one that pertains to a subject that is less then embraced with understanding then with stigma of terrible things and personal weakness and failing.  A stigma that I don't want to be linked with; yet to not share it means that I keep it bottled under wraps, and in the process fear others knowing or learning about it and feel shame over it that I should not feel and should not have to feel. It also means that it is very hard to connect with others because I can't actually share of my self, as to do so and to be able to share with them how I feel, why I feel that way and even my fears and even why I fear some of them, because in order to do so they would have to know what the big secret is.  So I sit here...

Again just letting you all know that I have not disappeared, but things for me are not going well right now. I am basically going from one emotional extreme to the other very rapidly lately especially even more so over the last couple of days including today.  The last few hours have been the worst as I have been stuck in one of my oh so FUN FUN mixed happy depressed states.  I don't know when I will be posting anything of substance, but I will try to keep you informed. But at the moment all I want is to actually be a normal functional person, but unfortunately that seems to much to ask of the powers that be, as they seem to want me to curse me with an being in an emotional out of control state where I go crashing from moment to moment at the drop of a hat form one extreme to another with good amounts of rage thrown in for good measure.