A North West View

So how do you get to the point where the wheels are flying off the your manic high, especially when you are supposedly supposed to be educated on your disorder.  For me that is at once a complicated and in ways a simple question.  It is complicated because there are so many warning signs to be missed or to be shoved under the rug, and yet so simple because it is rooted in the fact that your brain is saying that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about, when in fact if you value your mental stability and balance, like I do, there is very much to be worried about.  This is not just so abstract question that I ponder in my mind like an artifact displayed in a case at a museum, it is something that is a very real part of my life and something that I am living through at this very moment. 

While being balanced mode wise is something that is good and something that I am glad to be, although I do wish that my medications made me feel less drained like I have been dragging a heavy weight around with me while I do things, in part because my mind seems to be sort of slow and just not totally with it at times leaving it to take a lot of energy to concentrate and get things done and that mental energy also has a physical manifestation as well, and is what tends to make me feel the most drained. while it is good to be balanced it is hard to not want to have a taste of the forbidden fruit that I have been brought down from having a minor taste of and that is to be on the more manic side of things.  It is times like this when I know that the meds are keeping me from an amazing natural high, that it is so tempting just to stop taking my medications.

Joyful flower While I am feeling worlds better than I have been, joy, happiness and optimism have once again returned to my life, which I am very thankful for.  At the same time though this has not cured all of the things that have been troubling my mind, it has just left me feeling like not touching them at all, which I guess is quite a natural response given the circumstances.  However it has become very clear to me that not dealing with them will not make them go away, but instead that it is only a temporary fix that only pushes them to a date further in the future which is quite often when it is hardest to deal with them. Not only that but leaving them festering inside they only eat up more and more of you making them that much more insidious.

I want to share with you one of the things that has the power to make my bouts of depression even worse, which would seem funny as being depressed is not very fun at all as it is.  Now I am not trying to say that I'm horribly depressed right now but I am seeing the clear signs that what has been just a low mode is starting to pick up speed and head down the familiar slope of slipping into a depression.  Now the speed with which

I know that one way to define crazy is to do the same things over and over again and expect a different out come, and I also know that to an extent that is exactly what I am contemplating as an option when it comes to how to deal with, handling my disorder.  I know that not taking medications leads me to keep on cycling and that doing so could very well possibly land me ether back in a hospital or worse dead from my own doing.  Yet I am still wondering if I should do medications or if I should forgo them against what seems to be a face of most recommended medical advice, and research for that matter.

Like I said I was probably going to do I am going to be spending some time doing, I am going to be talking more about the recent events in my personal life as well as some other issues that I am facing and choices and all that other good stuff that I am going to be having to make and things that I am going to actually have to come to terms with.  To save some time and to avoid needlessly repairing things I will simply drop a link to the last pos t so that those who have missed it can get caught up, and so that I can pick up right where I want to start anyway, I would also like to direct you to a post from Bryan at Gay Family Values  which after reading his brilliantly written post has inspired me to open up some more and to share more as well. 

I know that many of you, have been scared by my posts lately, and to be perfectly honest so was I as they where raw expressions of how I felt and exactly what I was thinking when I wrote them, even a little held back and restrained if that is possible.  I also know that my sudden disappearance from not only my blog but all my web profiles might have scared you too.  For that I would like to apologize, but also tell you that it was because I was in a place where I would be safe and where I could get some help and get pointed once again in the right direction with a path out of the darkness along with a light at the end of the long tunnel to strive to reach.  I will probably blog on this who episode and experience in much more depth tomorrow and in the upcoming days, and explain much more clearly and precisely exactly what happened. but for now I will tell you that (and I have no shame in saying it, as at times every one gets in over their head and needs help out) I ha...