A North West View

Maybe I am weak, maybe I just can't do whatever it is that is the best for me, and damn the outcome!  Maybe that is what I need to do not to live not only in an awkward limbo with myself,  but also wanting something that i very well may never get. However it also seems to be the very thing that I can't do when it comes to my dad. Even though he had a "talk" with me after I posted this youtube video about feeling shoved back in the closet,

With all that is going on in Washington state with the marriage equality bill, and the campaign that is already is underway to overturn it, it is hard not to get sucked up into the politics and debate that is swirling around it, even more so when your gay and thus the subject of said debate; and this is where I find my self sucked into the storm.  Maybe for some getting sucked into that storm is something that has no affect on them, not even in those quite moments late at night, early in the morning or those stolen moments during the day when all you have to occupy yourself with our your thoughts,  but for me that is not true, allowing my self to be sucked in dose have an affect on me, some good some bad and some just not quite ether, however I also believe however that you can't truly live if you just stand outside the fire.

So I have been putting serious thought into moving out on my own for the last little while and especially now at trying to actually by a place of my own.  I have brought this up with Mom (and my brother already) and they both think its a good idea to pro-sue, and I want to bring it up with Dad to get his opinion, feedback and advice, however I am having a very hard time doing so.  I just can't seem to bring the subject up with him, It's like I want to but I simply can vocalize it at all, and it is very confusing and also frustrating. 

Well it turns out that while I was trying to figure out how to ease Dad into the idea and test to waters mom decided to have a direct conversation with him.  Something I had not asked her to do, but being mom not something I'm shocked that she did seeing as part of her desire is to have my BF welcome at the house.  The end result was that dad is willing to have dinner and meet him, "because that's what it's going to take"  and that this Sunday is the day. 

Well a couple of my friends (from an auto form I'm part of) suggested that amongst talking to my boyfriend and letting him know that it will take time before I can introduce Dad to him and that doing so my likely bring with it negative reactions from Dad.  The other step of their advice is to try to feel the waters by letting him know that they is some one special in my life that would like to meet him sooner then latter.  Advice that I think is good advice, although it is advice that at least so far has not worked well.  I was thinking about that advice yesterday when I was upstairs watching TV/ talking with Mom and Dad,

So Adam (my boyfriend) has been talking about meeting my family, especially my dad and brother after he briefly got to meet my mom (who really wants to get to spend more time with him and to get to know him better) and spending some time with my best friend.  I can totally understand his wanting to meet my dad, as for one thing I live with my family, and for the fact that most people want to meet the parents of their partner as it is one of the things that signifies the seriousness of a relationship.  I would love to introduce him to my Dad as much as he would like to meet him, but I don't feel that it is that easy and I'm not sure how or if that will be possible and unfortunately not only dose that make me unhappy but it also adds a level of complication to the relationship that I don't feel should have to be there.  I really wish that I felt introducing Dad to Adam would be as easy as it should be, and as I feel Adam would like it to be, however I think that it is som...

So I know that it has been a while since my last post, I do feel guilty about it, things have been um "crazy" lately is all I will say. Now I would like to move on to the topic for the post, I would like to talk about my discomfort when it comes to unprompted mater of fact honest support for me as a gay son from my mother.  It is something that I really don't understand as I know that most people would not have such an issue, now don't get me wrong its not that I am not appreciative, I truly am, I just like some many other things am so screwed up some how I have issues with even this great thing.

So in this blog I would like to take the topic of "personal don't ask don't tell" type of situations, where its in the work place, with friends, or even at home with family, after you have come out of the closet.  Some of these don't ask don't tell situations my be self imposed simply because you have not come out to the person. (even thought they seem to suspect something)  Some of them may be effectively imposed on you by some one who continues to deny that you ever came out to them, and they revert threw their actions into a don't ask don't tell policy.