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Debris Stirred Up In The Storm

With all that is going on in Washington state with the marriage equality bill, and the campaign that is already is underway to overturn it, it is hard not to get sucked up into the politics and debate that is swirling around it, even more so when your gay and thus the subject of said debate; and this is where I find my self sucked into the storm.  Maybe for some getting sucked into that storm is something that has no affect on them, not even in those quite moments late at night, early in the morning or those stolen moments during the day when all you have to occupy yourself with our your thoughts,  but for me that is not true, allowing my self to be sucked in dose have an affect on me, some good some bad and some just not quite ether, however I also believe however that you can't truly live if you just stand outside the fire.

I however don't like the feeling of nor the feelings brought up by my rights and for some even my right to exist let alone live my life in the way that I feel is right for me.  I am left quite often feeling shitty and like some sort of   pariah, like I am and should be viewed in a skeptical light, the same sort of light that someone would view a possible threat to their own life!  Then again I don't really know any one that likes that sort of feeling.  I also have some other things that seem to only be further highlighted so that they are blindingly in my face only making it that all the harder to try to ignore, not only that but dragging other memories right up to the surface. 

It only seems to highlight shine a spotlight on the fact that anything that might hint at my sexuality is something that is really off/out of limits when it comes to my Dad, it is only made more stark by the fact that Mom is so supportive.  It really dose make me feel like an outcast, like me as I am is not good enough that I need to be something else, something that I am not and something that I never will be.  It actually feels almost worse this then the period after I came out when he ignored me and did not talk to me for months, because at least then as hurt as I felt I could at least tell my self that he was acting like a child giving me the silent treatment , not only that but there are other things that I know now that I did not know then, things that honestly weigh heavy on my mind at times.    Unfortunately it is times like these that draw these things all that much closer to the surface. 

One of the biggest thing that it brings to the surface is something that i did not know at the time, and that knowing it now (well for some time now) not only makes me upset but makes me feel guilty too, and that is the fact that when I came out to my Dad was going to throw me out of the house, and that the only reason that he did not was because my Mom told him that if he did she would be fallowing too.  I did not know this at the time, it was not to a long time afterword that I found out about this when Mom told me.   this not surprisingly weighs very heavily on my mind and my hart, it makes me feel so upset, sad and guilty at the same time.

It also makes me wounder if he will ever get to a point where a whole portion of my life is not a forbidden subject, where I don't have to worry not only about upsetting him and him being marginalized out of my life, but where I also don't have to worry that I will be the cause of strife between my parents.  I don't find much joy in the thought of dating let alone seriously dating someone, mostly because of the normal things that come along with dating, the meeting of the family the being included in family events/holidays.  All because I know that Dad dose not want any part of that, but I also know that Mom is all to willing to force him to be a part of that.  After all a little over a year ago I was dating someone that I had been seeing for a little while when the decided that they wanted to meet the family and that they where tired of my stalling on that front.  Well I mentioned it to Mom and the way that things basically went down was that she "talked" to Dad about it and then told him that I would tell them when it was going to happen.  (luckily enough the guy got cold feet had a freak-out and dumped me first)  Mom has told me that when I am seeing someone that they are welcome at any family things, but I know what the means is that she will force Dad into it against his will, and I also know that when he dose not want to do something he can and will make it very unpleasant and uncomfortable for every one else.   I don't want to have to put up with that emotionally nor do I want to be a part of causing any sort of conflict between my parents.

This feels so much like a giant weight that is just crushing down on me, as, as much as I know the things that I want out of life, I feel like I can't do anything to achieve them because to do so would cause the sorts of damage and pain that I don't want to cause nor be a part of.  It meas that if I even see any one that I have to keep details to an total minimum and that things can never progress to a point where they can be anything but a separate little compartment in my life all on it's own without any intersection on the rest of my life, and if it threatens to cross over those bounds then it needs to ether be shoved back within them or it has to come to an end.   The hard part is that when I am honest with my self I really don't see Dad ever getting to a point where this will ever not be an issue.

The fact that it I don't see it ever not being an issue just seems so bleak because it means that I for ever have to keep any relationship and anything to do with it separated from everything and that I can't intersect it in any way with family, and I don't see how I can give that up.  Maybe things will change when I finally move out, but I just can't hold my breath on that one, ether. So I am stuck between a rock and a very hard place with no visible way out ether.


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