A North West View

Once again my hatred of my self, especially for the fact that I am gay has bubbled up to the surface, part of it was because of the light prodding of the subject early on in my appointments with my shrink and his strong suggestion that I start to ex amen those feeling and try to understand why I have them, partly because those feelings have never fully left and never fully been able to be swept under the rug like many of my other feelings manage to get to have done to them. (at least for a short while) Most definitely though do the inadvertent jabbing of the lid to the Pandora's box of them by a coworker who had no real intention to cause harm or pain but was simply joking around.  Something that just about every time cause things to get stirred up with in me and that I actively pretend I am alright with and join in the joking which to every one else around seems like I am joking but in reality I am beating up on my self. 

I really do wish that I did not have to deal with my mind or my emotions, that I could just simply switch them off, and make them go away. I don't want to deal with them I don't want to think about them I most definitely don't want to record them and then relive them at any point in the future let alone have some one else drag me threw them again. I think I would settle with being drugged out of my mind, if I could still live with the side effects and never have to deal with the torture chamber that can be my mind and my emotions. To not have to deal with no one else understanding what is going on with me, to not understand that what they think is the problem is not. Yet at the same time not be able to deal with even thinking about let alone actually telling them what the real issues are, while being unable unwilling afraid to do that, then having to be confronted by the demons that are my fears, to then have to try to shake those off again, and again, and again. To have

Well it looks like I will be sticking with my current psychiatrist as we have at least hashed out some of the issues that I was having and have created some concrete direction for something for me to work on during the 3 weeks that he is going to be on vacation, an almost assignment which I am glad to do even if what it is a part of trying to do scares me for some very unexplainable reason that even puzzles me.  It may sound extremely illogical well that would be because it is, and that is that what it is that he wants to work towards is what he sees as one of the biggest problems I am faced with and that is causing so many problems.  That is that I am "to hard on my self and to negative about my self" and while it would seem logical that working to be less so and that dealing with that would be something one would be happy to do, it is something that for reasons that I can't even adequately put into words in order to explain I find that to be one of the most terrifying i

  I am feeling so frustrated lately, I don't feel like therapy is helping at all, I just feel like all it is doing is taking up time and money with nothing to show for it.  I increasingly feel that the only "progress" that has been made in helping me feel a little better is that which has been made by the minorly/moderately effective medication that I'm on.   Other then that there seems to be absolutely no direction to my "treatment" leaving me feeling like I'm swinging in the wind and like absolutely no progress is being made. I don't feel like really anything is being dealt with nor that there is really any enlightenment going on at all. Add to that the fact that increasingly I am getting more an more annoyed by my Psychiatrist en ability to be on time, which as some one that is always prompt to slightly early to arrive for any appointment time is getting more and more on my nerves.  I mean it would be one thing if ever once and a while he was la