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Why Should This Be So Scary?

Well it looks like I will be sticking with my current psychiatrist as we have at least hashed out some of the issues that I was having and have created some concrete direction for something for me to work on during the 3 weeks that he is going to be on vacation, an almost assignment which I am glad to do even if what it is a part of trying to do scares me for some very unexplainable reason that even puzzles me.  It may sound extremely illogical well that would be because it is, and that is that what it is that he wants to work towards is what he sees as one of the biggest problems I am faced with and that is causing so many problems.  That is that I am "to hard on my self and to negative about my self" and while it would seem logical that working to be less so and that dealing with that would be something one would be happy to do, it is something that for reasons that I can't even adequately put into words in order to explain I find that to be one of the most terrifying ideas on the face of the planet.

I am at a loss at doing what my assignment from my shrink has given me to do for the 3 weeks until my next appointment (He's on vacation) well it's not really a loss, it is just something that I don't want to do it is something that I really really don't want to do, it is to keep a journal about when I get angry. (as part of the process of fixing something bigger) I don't even know any more that I want to be better I mean I do but I don't want to do this I definitely don't want to do meds, as it is I just tolerate having to take the current medication that I take. Really I would so much rather go back to sweeping all of this under the rug and making it disappear that way. I don't want to deal with why any more I don't want to examine things anymore I just want to shove them away until they are gone.
It seems like the more things we try to do and figuer out the more and more at war I am with whats going on and the more and more my shrink (and my logical side) are the enemy and that the enemy must be defeted.  I don't want to deal with why any more, I don't want to know why, I don't want to be aksed why.


  1. Often the things that are the hardest are the most important. Give this an honest try. What do you have to lose? I know it seems like a waste of time to you. I think he is trying to show you what it is that sparks your anger.

    Sweeping stuff under the rug never ever works long term. It just builds up and up and up, until it boils over and explodes. Give his method a chance, while giving you a chance to get this issue under control.

    Let down your defenses and try. Its a huge and yet small thing to do I know, but really give this your best attempt, ok?

  2. I am doing my best at giving it my best, but I am also again having a hard time with taking my medications. It's not like I forget to take them on purpose but I also don't do all I can to double check I have not forgotten any more. Its like subconsciously I am sabotaging that too.

    I don't know how to deal with all of this and my natural instinct is to just run form it as fast and as fare as I can.


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