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Showing posts from May, 2011

Is My Life Even Worth Living?

I keep asking my self this and I don't even think the answer is yes,  I don't feel that there is truly anything that can be done to make this pain go away, let alone stay away.  To make my life worth anything, to stop the hurt that I inflict on others simply by living.  I don't understand why I feel this way why I am this way, and I don't see any way to actually escape it ether while still living.  I feel so ashamed of my self, so worthless and out of control too.

The Non End of The World

This may seem a bit late but instead of simply talking about, and poking fun at the fact that the world in fact did not end at 6pm in each timezone on the 22nd, I instead want to share my views on why I think that not only dose this sort of stuff continue to pop up in this day and age but why a surprising large number of "the faithful" seem to so incomprehensibly believe this sort of stuff often with out any question. I think that this has the power to reveal a fundamental issue with the direction that faith is taking in many places with America being a very prime example of this.

Time To Come Clean

I have come to the realization is that I have to come clean not only with my self, but with others, and that I let this out into the open.  I need to do this, not only so that it is not hanging over my head, even in an outlet where I have been the most able to freely talk about all aspects of my life, but so that I can start to remove some of the shame from the other more closed off areas of my public life.  Hopefully by doing so this should allow me to take some of the fear that this will be discovered which has also been keeping me from finding out more about what this really means and how to make things better for my self.

Please God Help Me

I pray for the strangth not to give in to the pain to not give into the path out that seems to easy and painless, the parth that will put an end to all of this, to all of the pain, to the inveloping darkness that my life is once again becomeing.  I pray for the stranght to make it threw this test, I pray that I make it threw this test, with out falling.  I pray that I this pain go away, that I be freed from all of this, I pray because I can't keep going like this, I don't have the stranght that I have had in the past, and it hurts so much more now, I don't have the power to overcome that I once had. 

I pray that the fears be taken away that I don't have to be faced with them, that I don't have to be practicaly cripled by these frears again, these fears that I though I had delt the final blow to so many times before now.  I don't know that I have the strangth to deal with these fears any more. 

Please god help me, I can't go threw this again, I don't h…

I want to die

I really do want to die, rather then feel like I do now, to feel the most crushing pain, sorrow, hopelessness, guilt and absolute worthlessness.  With my mind raceing out of control, and the most conflicting needs to run and scream and do everything and anything possible, yet to also curl up in a ball, to disappear and to shut down completely.  I would rather overdose my way into a sleep I would never again wake from then to feel this way anymore!

A Dark Secret, To Reveal Or Not To Reveal.

This is the question, unfortunately I don't know that the answer is at all simple, as the secret is one that to reveal I have fear with only make others if not fear me, see me in very badly stigmatized light.  As this secret is one that pertains to a subject that is less then embraced with understanding then with stigma of terrible things and personal weakness and failing.  A stigma that I don't want to be linked with; yet to not share it means that I keep it bottled under wraps, and in the process fear others knowing or learning about it and feel shame over it that I should not feel and should not have to feel.

It also means that it is very hard to connect with others because I can't actually share of my self, as to do so and to be able to share with them how I feel, why I feel that way and even my fears and even why I fear some of them, because in order to do so they would have to know what the big secret is.  So I sit here unsure what to do, and trapped in the cage of m…

Time To Start A New Chapter

After a series of long talks with a friend today much light has finally been shed on what has ultimately been causing me so much trouble, along with the fact that with out making changes to how I am living and my ways of thought, the problems would not only fail to resolve them selves but that they will in fact only get worse as they drag on.  It is with this knowledge and in the spirit of wanting to improve my life that I declare that it is time for me to start a new chapter, to do my best to wipe the slate clean and start afresh.

Who Am I, And What Do I want?

I find that I'm asking my self these very questions all the time, yet it is a question that I still don't seem to know the answer to.  I feel so lost and often even trapped in my own mind, like some times I am watching a movie so detached from it rather then actually living my life, so detached that at times when I ask these questions and start to analyze then it is like in analyzing who some one else is then really dealing with my self.  I find this to be one of the most frustrating feelings I know, as it leads me to feel lost and like I an some how not me but that some one else who is just watching a movie about some one else life a great chunk of the time.  I know that this probably sounds totally off the deep-end crazy yet it is a feeling that I have know for a good chunk of my life now.  Even know it feels as if their is a disconnect as I am writing this.

I think the best way to describe it is I feel almost like an animal trapped in a cage like at a zoo, there are things …

Self Confidence, Or Lack Therefor Of

I don't know if this will come as a surprise to some of you but I am not at all a self confident person, at least when I am in a face to face type social situation.  It may seem strange that I am so open when it comes to sharing with others on the web, and really am much more confident on the web then I am when it comes to with others face to face, but I think part of it is the anonymity and the fact that you aren't physically right there and trying to read the person, based on what they are saying, how they are and their body language.  It kind of freeing in a way.

Writing a good Letter is hard.

So after rereading the last letter I posted for the umpteenth time, and also restudying the "proper" way to write Congressional representatives for the umpteenth time again as well, I finally decide that I was not quite happy with that letter, which I still had not mailed yet, and that instead it was time to start over again make another attempt at writing House Majority Leader John Boehner another letter.  Which I did, so after the jump is my letter to John Boehner version 2.0.

A Letter to John Boehner

So I wrote a letter to House Majority Leader John Boehner, to express my experience of disappointment and frustration at the lack of marriage equality, and to call him to change his actions and instead support marriage equality. After the jump, it the letter in its uncut entirety 

Open Responce To Gay Family Values

I am writing this in response to a blog post by Bryan from Gay Family Values in the wake of a filmed beating at a McDonald's of an trans women, if you have not read Bryan's blog post I highly recommend that you do, as it is great as always.  I am writing this as a blog post because I feel that I have to much that I wish to say as to my belief on a small part of the explanation to the questions that Bryan rises then could be rightly fit into a simple post in a comment section.