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Self Confidence, Or Lack Therefor Of

I don't know if this will come as a surprise to some of you but I am not at all a self confident person, at least when I am in a face to face type social situation.  It may seem strange that I am so open when it comes to sharing with others on the web, and really am much more confident on the web then I am when it comes to with others face to face, but I think part of it is the anonymity and the fact that you aren't physically right there and trying to read the person, based on what they are saying, how they are and their body language.  It kind of freeing in a way.

I lack the confidence to really even stand up for my self in many situations where I don't like the way I am being treated, in part I also don't want to upset others, I would rather make others happy even if it meant allowing my self to be hurt and to put my needs as secondary to any other persons.   This quite often leads me to do things or allow things to be done (and said) that are destructive to me mentally and emotionally,  it also makes it hard for me to truly open up to others and actually share with them more then just cosmetically to create a facade that I can please them with.  I will do things that I don't want to and that make me absolutely miserable because I feel guilty telling others no when they ask me to do things, or I will take on more work then I can handle and Heep on the stress as I try to accomplish more then i reasonably should instead of saying no, because when I do say no then I feel guilty and start running threw my head all the reasons that saying no are wrong, and that I am selfish and mean and that I'm now hurting the person that asked. 

The other part is I start to worry about what they will think of me if I say no to them, I start to worry that they will think I'm a nasty person, that I'm not good but instead bad.  I worry that they will paint a picture of me to others that portieres me as some kind of horrible monster, and that then those people will think that way of me as well.  I worry about what strangers think of me when they see me doing things.  I worry that they seem me as just some sort of icky person. I get preoccupied on what people think when they see me doing things to the point that I avoid doing things that I like and that would be and are actually beneficial to me, like riding my bike as much as I would like to, or taking running back up because I get stuck on the thought that when others see me they see a stupid disgusting fat person doing things that obviously they don't do and should not even be trying to do.

It also seems to impact my ability to not only not take personally when people don't treat me nicely or well, as I take that as meaning they are not happy with me, and therefore I am not doing something right.  So instead of simply removing my self from the situation, or actually letting the person know that I don't like being treated that way, I take it to heart and feel bad about my self and my inability to make them happy and to make them like me.  The problem is that the harder I try and if they still inevitably treat me that way then the worse I feel about my self.

I quite often feel like my real self is lost, and that I'm out of touch with myself due to my over riding need to be what every one else needs me to be. Yet at the same time it is like I am afraide to find out in a way who I realy am and what I realy want and how I want to live my life.  It is to the point that I honestly don't quite know how I got to be this way and why, but I know that it dose have quite negative impacts on my life, impacts that only make it harder for me to deal with and keep some certain other issue in check and under as much control as one can control them. I know on a logical level that this has to change and that I need to become more self confident or it is quite likely that my lack of self confidence is going to in conjunction with other issues that I have going to lead to a very unhappy ending to me.  I just desperately hope that I grapple with what I need to do to make the changes necessary and to actually make them so that I can overt the sort of outcome that I do fear.

I not totally sure how to go about changing, and correcting these issues for the better. I do know that it is going to have to in part do with a changing of the way that I think when it comes to situations, as the problem is with my way of thinking about these things.  I would love it if any of you have advice if you would share it with me, as I will admit I am lost when it comes to this.  I have always put so much pressure on my self to almost blend into the background and to please others so that even if they where not my friends they would not notice me or would not hurt me or get close enough to me to be able to hurt me. 


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