A North West View

I had never heard the world Demisexual until about a year ago.  When I read about what it meant to be demisexual it was like a light bulb went off, and there was an explanation for the way that I am. It also meant that I was not strange; and that there were other people like me.  The most basic definition of demisexuality is that for one to be sexual attracted to another person and to actually want to have sex with them, they need to have a deep emotional bond with that person, and until they have such a bond there is just no sexual attraction.  This does not mean as in my case, and many others, that they can’t find people physically attractive; however this is different then the kind of attraction that many non demisexual people feel. That is because there is no sexual component to finding the person attractive, it is more akin to how one can find a painting pleasing to the eye, or cars and furniture.  For me I can see that someone has good looks and I can visual...

Life is something that one truly has no choice but to take part in, but life can also be an adventure if one chooses to make it one . 

So how do you get to the point where the wheels are flying off the your manic high, especially when you are supposedly supposed to be educated on your disorder.  For me that is at once a complicated and in ways a simple question.  It is complicated because there are so many warning signs to be missed or to be shoved under the rug, and yet so simple because it is rooted in the fact that your brain is saying that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about, when in fact if you value your mental stability and balance, like I do, there is very much to be worried about.  This is not just so abstract question that I ponder in my mind like an artifact displayed in a case at a museum, it is something that is a very real part of my life and something that I am living through at this very moment. 

So I recently read this article on The Huffington Post Hightline called  Together Alone: The Epidemic Of Gay Loneliness  this article is one that I would highly recommend reading.  It is an article that touched me in a significant way.  The article fouces on why even thought the gay community has come a long way in gaining equal rights, it still suffers from high rates of suicide, depression, anxiety and substance abuse.  The article points out that "are between 2 to 10 times more likely then straight people to take their own life. Where twice as likely to have a major depressive episode" And this pattern holds up in countries that where even early adopter to things like gay marriage.  While there virtually no study on the subject in the US in Canada it has been found that more gay men a year die from suicide them they do for HIV/AIDs if those finding are to hold true in the US suicide could be the next major epidemic with in the gay community taking count...

I would like to share my This I Believe essay that I wrote for my English class.  The essay is based on the format of the essays on the  this i believe  web site, which is dedicated to this types of essays.  They are modeled after a 1950's radio show hosted by Edward R Murrow by the same name, where every one from World leaders, CEO's and Celebrities to Teachers, and Secretaries would send in essays and the ones that where selected would read them on air.  The essays are between 450 to 600 worlds long and would take about 3 minutes to read aloud at a natural speaking pace. The essays are about a guiding value in your every day life.

So You Tube has created a hash tag to help celebrate pride month (especially in the wake of Orlando), I thought that I would do a blog post in the spirit of the prompt as I have not had time to make a video, and I am not sure when or if I will.  However I still want to show my pride, not just as a gay man but as a person in general, as I think that all of myself sort of melds together.

So it has been a while since I have last posted, things have been very hectic on my side of the screen. I have been helping with some home improvement projects, I helped my dad and brother put a deck in our old wood shed, to put a new BBQ in to help keep it out of the rain.  Then we are in the middle of putting new decking and railings on the existing deck (we kept the old framing but did some beefing up) I have also been busy with friend.  I had someone that I went on a few dates with, who seemed like a great guy.  However that ended abruptly, as 3 days after our second date (a candle lit watching of a move at his house) I tried to set up a third date, and sometime in those 3 days he had entered into an exclusive relationship with some one else.  It was something that he had neglected to tell me until I tried to set up a up the third date, yet he was willing to talk to me via text every day up until then.  He gave me the line that I was a great guy and som...

So I have spent the last 2 days packing up everything in my room (the sized of a good sized studio apartment) as well as packing out all the stuff stored in a spare bedroom up stairs, to allow my brother and his Fiance to move into my room this coming long weekend.  It has been one heck of a battle as I had a lot of stuff to move or which 90% of all my stuff is going to wind up going into storage, including all my nick nacks which includes all the things (not many) that I got after my grandparents (on dads side) passed away years ago.  The only thing of theirs that is going to be able to make it into my new room is a piece of artwork. Which is something that has gotten me down at the moment. It did force me to sort through my stuff and get read of things that I did not need, (or want enough to bother packing and putting in storage)

So I have been a bad blogger and fallen off the face of the earth for a while, in part just because of the holidays, but also because I just don't seem to manage my time well enough to allow myself to sit down and with myself, to just be and to collect my thoughts, let alone to sit down and write.   Which is something that I really want to start to work on, as I need to try and carve out time to do just that, instead of incessantly distracting myself from the time I get up until the time that I go to bed. I think that this is something that I want to try to focus on doing this year (I know that it is pretty late to be coming up with a New Years resolution, but when it comes to that thing who says you have to be on time)

Recently I lost a friend on Facebook, not the most spectacular loss because when we did not agree it was always my fault and his boyfriend played the attempt to belittle me game, all over attempting to point out to him that one of his post was not only a blatant insult to the spuriousness of assault against women but also a blatant example of male entitlement.

So after the hiccups at the start of my vacation, that I covered in my previous post, it all turned out to be tremendous fun! I got to get out and see lots of neat places, and to get to meet and spend time with familiarly members that I never really get to see or spend time with because they are clear on the other side of the country.  It all combined to be one amazing vacation and it has left me feeling totally renewed and refreshed. I made a video sharing some of the photos from my vacation that I post so that all of you can see some of the things that I got to see and do! I hope that you all enjoyed this post.

So I am on vacation, visiting my grandparents (and Mom's side of the family) for three weeks. In upstate New York.  Starting last Tuesday.  Well it did not start off that hot, on our way to Albany we had three flights, the first flight from my home town to Los Vagues left and arrived on time and went perfectly.   And we made it to the gate in Vagues for our departing flight with some time to spare.   Unfortunately our flight from Vagues to Dulles Airport Washington DC was delayed by 25 minutes putting us behind the boarding time for are next flight to Albany.   So when we got off that flight we made a mad dash all the way across the airport getting held up for ten minutes by part of the transport from terminal to terminal.   So we got to our gate to find the plane had pulled back early. (The door/stairs had been closed early even though it was still sitting there loading luggage,  and they would not let us on! (Such freaking BS whe...

I know it has been a while since my last post, I have been doing OK, in a bit of a rut but not bad. So once again I have really been struggling lately with taking my medications, (how ever I have been strictly adhering to them) and wanting to be off of them for a number of reasons. I have once again had somethings come across my desk so to speak that have again stocked my mistrust of medication and psychiatry at large

Well it has been awhile since my last post and I have been doing well, still feeling a little adrift spiritually but starting to pull the pieces together to help deal with that.  I have over all been doing ok, although I am still pumped that my Seahawks won the Super Bowl by a blow out!! Yeah the game may have been a little boring for the non Hawks fan but for me it was a great game to watch! Now that that is all out of the way I would like to take about something that has been weighing on my mind for quite some time now and that is if after almost 3 years I should jump back into the dating pool.

So it has been a while since my last post, I am doing quite well I have just be busy and well have not made the time that I need to actually do a post, along with neglecting to make time to do other things that I enjoy. So one of my goals for the New Year is to try and make time in my day/week to do those things.

I find that I feel like a bad person lately for my total lack of engaging in the current events going on in the world around me on any meaningful level, scientific topics on the environment, politics all the way up to current events in Syria, where I know just the most basic facts from the odd news headline or post that drifts past me on Facebook where I don't even really read them at all. (and I have a couple of friends, one in particular that is very plugged into all of that) I don't watch the news, the most news I get is reading the local headlines of the local paper online, not even reading the stories.  I feel like as an adult I should be plugged into those things, and that it is part of my responsibility as one to be as well informed as I can possibly be, yet I am in effect hiding my head in the ground to the world around me. this is something that had been gnawing away at me in the back of my mind for a while until it suddenly came into sharp focus.

I find my self feeling lonely lately, especially over the last week with mom out of town and me having the house all to my self all evening when I get off work, I find that it has made me feel exceptionally lonely.  I have found my self wishing for someone to share my life with.  I find my self wishing that I was better at figuring my way around online dating. I just seem to have no luck with it, and it is really the only way for me to scare up date. I don't know what to do with my profile to make it better and make me more appealing to the limited local dating pool.  Sure I could increase the pool if I where to move to say Seattle, or expand my range to Vancouver BC, however I'm not a big city boy. If i where to I would want someone that will live in the city I do. and I love the city I live in, I like my job, and want to be near my family. Bellingham is where my life is. I don't know maybe I just want too much, and will just be single for the re...

I am getting sick and tired of having to tire myself to the tether of pills, to have to take pills every day, pills that deaden my emotions.  That take some of the vividness out of the world and the power of my emotions away. Even if the vividness might be on the darker side, anything is better then feeling numb and lifeless inside.  To feel like you have been mummified and are just making the motions to move through the day, to be like a spectator to your own life. Instead I have been recently left with the desire to brake those bonds to no longer have to be tethered to such things, to instead be normal, to no longer have to take pills. To no longer have to deal with side affects like feeling sort of sedated to have my mind and my thoughts slowed down to no longer have to feel slow and dimwitted. To not have to deal with my mind freezing up at times and being left looking like a fool as you stand there in the middle of ex...

I would like to start off by saying that I know with every fiber of my being that God is a part of my life and that he has never left my side and that he never will, of that I have no doubt. I however wonder though what I have done to diserve to be made to be be gay, and that no amount of praying has or ever will change that.  Leaving me to admit deffet and giving up on that change.  A song played over the radio at work the other day, that reminded me of the time in my life when I finaly had to admit failure on my part on being able to change that part of me.  To have to admit that I was not good enough to change that part of me.  That no matter how much I tired and I prayed that I was just not good enogh to be able to change that.  I often wounder what I did and what I have done to doserve to be made gay. Then there is being made to be bipolar, what did I do to deserve this? To diserve to have a surious mental ilness that requires me to take medication for th...

So today I would like to talk about something that might make some people uncomfortable  and is not something that I find the most comfortable topic in the world myself ether, and that topic quite frankly is sex, and sexuality. Yeah that topic that is only supposed to be talked about behind closed doors in whispered voices, not in a forum that is public, even if it is one that to a certain extent is anonymous at the same time. (even though nothing in life even the web is one hundred percent anonymous) However I feel that there is enough anonymity in this particular forum to talk about such a thing and how it pertains to life and especially to myself personally, in an open and honest manor. So with out further adieu I will get started right after the jump.