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What It's Like To Be Demisexual.

I had never heard the world Demisexual until about a year ago.  When I read about what it meant to be demisexual it was like a light bulb went off, and there was an explanation for the way that I am. It also meant that I was not strange; and that there were other people like me.  The most basic definition of demisexuality is that for one to be sexual attracted to another person and to actually want to have sex with them, they need to have a deep emotional bond with that person, and until they have such a bond there is just no sexual attraction.  This does not mean as in my case, and many others, that they can’t find people physically attractive; however this is different then the kind of attraction that many non demisexual people feel. That is because there is no sexual component to finding the person attractive, it is more akin to how one can find a painting pleasing to the eye, or cars and furniture.  For me I can see that someone has good looks and I can visually appreciate how they look, but I have no physical attraction to them and no physical desire to have any sort of physical contact with them.

For me the desire for any form of physical contact takes time to build, and it takes getting to know the person in deeper ways.  For me it is a continuum that depends on how well I feel I know the person, the kind of emotional bond that I have with them, which for me deeply includes the amount of trust that I can put into them.  In the very early stages of getting to know a person I don’t really want any physical contact with them. Not even a hug, for me I find hugs from people I don’t know to be distressing even when I am emotional and upset; even if the other person's intent is to be simply comforting.  For me to be comfortable with that level of physical contact, I have to know the person. I have to have some level of emotional investment in them, and a certain level of trust and connection; the kind that one would have with a friend.

For me to get to the point of physical contact that is more sexual in nature, like cuddling or being touched in a manner that many people would consider just playful groping I need to have a romantic bond with the person; something quite a bit deeper than friendship. This kind of contact is something that I find very emotional destressing if it comes from someone that I don’t know at all. Which for me can and has made dealing with people who think that there is nothing wrong with making such kinds of physical contact when they are trying to flirt very difficult.  As to them it may be no big deal or be something that they like being on the receiving end of, but for me it is something that I absolutely hate. I hate such physical contact from a stranger to the point of wanting to get away from them. As well as wanting to escape the situation it makes me want to have nothing to do with the person that has done such things. As well as to call them out on it and make it clear that I did not appreciate that they have done such a thing.

When it comes to kissing and heavy physical contact for me I have to have a very deep bond with the person. As for me they are part of what happens when I have a sexual attraction to a person. That and they can be much more intimate then the act of sex itself.  As such for me it is more often than not the best part of sex as well. This however has been something that has caused tons of trouble in my dating life. As it is not the way that the vast majority of guys operate. Most guys are for lack of a better term sexual guys, they find sexual attraction to be something that they experience right off the bat. It  is often the first part that attracts them to the person that they are interested in dating. This makes things very challenging when the guy has a sexual attraction and wants to have physical contact, and I have no physical attraction to them at that point in time; yet I find promise in the possibility that we could work out as a couple. As I find them interesting and can see the possibility of building the kind of bond that with them that would lead to such feeling on my end.

This can cause a lot of conflict in the relationship as it is a slow process to build a connection with someone.  Often meaning that by the point that I am into light physical contact like hugs, holding hands, and even cuddling, the other guy is ready for sex; and a little frustrated that sex has not come to the table yet.  This frustration more often than not has lead the guys to demand sex, and not really let up until they achieved their goal. The demanding and the guilt that often came with it for being so “prude” more often than not ended with me agreeing to have sex when they wanted to, even though it was the last thing that I wanted to be doing.  This then lead to the sex not being enjoyable at all. Instead it was something to be insured while I waited for it to be over. As one can imagine that also lead to frustration in the guys that I have dated and done such things with. As they are not getting the types of reactions out of me that they are hoping for. Even though they are getting off they are not enjoying themselves as much as they had been wanting to do.  It has even lead guys to have said, I sucked in bed and that they wanted me to be more eager than I was, otherwise there was no point at all.

This has also lead to a very complicated relationship for me with sex, to the point that while there have been guys that I have been sexually attracted too, I have been reluctant to initiate sex with them, as it is not something that I particularly associated with being fun, or being something where my wants and desires are really a consideration. Instead it has lead to situations where we get almost all the way there and then I freeze up and lose interest all together.  It only gets worse when the guy rightfully gets upset that we have gotten so close, and then the endgame is pulled.

For me it has lead to the conclusion that the only way for things to really workout without causing  so much frustration in the guy that I am dating, and ultimately frustrating and demoralizing to me, is date another demisexual guy.  As it would mean that we would be on relatively equal footing in a relationship, and there would not be the sexual pursuer off the bat that there is with sexual guys. That or to find a sexual guy that can understand what it means to be demisexual and has the patients to wait for the sexual component of the relationship to blossom naturally on its own. As well as understanding that trying to force it can not only be a negative experience for me, but  that it can cause the progress of the relationship to stall or even move backwards. If I could do anything the first thing I would do is tell anyone that thinks that demisexual fits them as an identity, I would tell them that you are not strange and you are not broken sexually, and don’t let others pressure you into sex that you are not ready for. That if that is what it takes to save the relationship that the other person does not care about you as much as they would like you to think. As someone that really cares deeply for you will not want to have sex with you if it is something that you don’t want; because  if they care deeply about you they will want you to enjoy yourself and be just as into it as they are.

If there was one thing that I could tell sexual people it is that waiting until that emotional bond is built can be a great experience.  Not only that but there are many like me that once that bond is build we will do anything for the person that we are dating. That and because we have to build such a bond to have a sexual attraction, you will be the only person that we have eyes for. You won’t have to worry about us eyeing the “cute” guy down the street. Or the “sexy” guy that we ran into at the coffee shop, as to us they are just another stranger and nothing to write home about.  Where as you we find amazing and treasure the time that we get to spend together, and will stop at nothing to be sure that you know how much we care about you.

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