A North West View

Sorry if I have frightened any of my readers with my expressions of my inner feelings.  I am in now way a threat to myself right now.  I plan on speaking to my doc on Monday. I have done a self depression test and fall into the lower rang of moderet-sever which for me is a "not bad" level as I have no self harmful to my self. I just have no interest in anything nor any reall hope about the future. But I still function mostly well I just dont really want to do it, and tend to feel overwhelmed and pissed of much more easily. But in a strange way even though it is not a great place to be I it is somehow still a comfort too.

Nothingness sneaks in first filling in the hidden corners of one’s being, then slowly spreading like a black mass, smothering all the lies in its path, draining the life out of life itself.  Yet its familiarity in a very twisted way brings some level of comfort,  as if a treasured blanket on a cold dark evening. http://anothwestview.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-storm-clouds-gather.html

Time ticks by slowly inevitably moving closer and closer to the time of death. As clouds build up in the sky, first on the horizon then encroaching ever closer and closer, until all of the heavens are blotted out behind their threatening dark masses, waiting to open up and flood the earth below. Until everything that is and everything that was is washed away and all the is left is nothingness.

I want to share with you one of the things that has the power to make my bouts of depression even worse, which would seem funny as being depressed is not very fun at all as it is.  Now I am not trying to say that I'm horribly depressed right now but I am seeing the clear signs that what has been just a low mode is starting to pick up speed and head down the familiar slope of slipping into a depression.  Now the speed with which

I have been wondering lately about what increasing seems to be an intertwined relationship between so many of the issues that I have and the things that cause me to have such a hatred towards my self, that I now wounder if they might has some intertwined and related cause/root that lies beneath them.  I am beginning to wounder if I might not have uncovered a clue to them in the combination of my different blog post and even more so in the recent journaling that I have taken up doing, especially considering that I conjunction with that I have been starting to allow my self to actually feel and experience my emotions and at the same time start to question why it is that I am experiencing them, and quite often it seems to be surfacing that like I have been away in the past the ways that I feel towards my self are not necessarily on the logical side, especially when compared to the way that I feel towards others for the same things. Yet I am not at all sure if this theory is ...

I really do wish that I did not have to deal with my mind or my emotions, that I could just simply switch them off, and make them go away. I don't want to deal with them I don't want to think about them I most definitely don't want to record them and then relive them at any point in the future let alone have some one else drag me threw them again. I think I would settle with being drugged out of my mind, if I could still live with the side effects and never have to deal with the torture chamber that can be my mind and my emotions. To not have to deal with no one else understanding what is going on with me, to not understand that what they think is the problem is not. Yet at the same time not be able to deal with even thinking about let alone actually telling them what the real issues are, while being unable unwilling afraid to do that, then having to be confronted by the demons that are my fears, to then have to try to shake those off again, and again, and again. To have...

This is going to just a quickie blog, and I'm going to start it off with a question I have been toying with the idea of doing a blog entry every day for a month, possibly next month, and would like to know what you my readers think. Would you like to see me post something every day weather it be a long blog or a short little reflection?

I really am having trouble handling anything lately and it's not getting any better, I really am getting to the point that I want to just give up on every thing that I'm doing and supposed to be doing to try to help me live the normal balanced life that I really do want to get back/or too!  It really is getting to the point that doing what needs to be done simply to take care of my self normally let alone the things that are now required as part of the medical process to try to help get me to the life that I want are getting to be to hard to deal with. 

It has been a while since I have posted. a big part of that is simply I am finding it hard to be inspired at the moment. The other part would be that my emotional instability has realy ratcheted up lately. It has gotten back up to being so intense on the down side that when I crash and am down I just want to be dead. I also have to get after my self because it's so intense I feel mad at my self for not being able to overdose on something and just end these the cycles. I am trying everything I know how to do to deal with this, and I hope to be able to hang in there. I am disappointed I had to reup on one of the meds we where trying to get off of, but I don't know if that it or not, I doubt it will. It may sound bad but even though I know there can be good times in my life, I wish I where dead because these lows are to hard and nothing is ever going to stop them from comeing like they do, and I'm tired of fighting them.

I really wish that my last post had been more up beat then it was, and I wish that this one was going to be easier to write then it is going to be. I also wish that this one is something that I did not have to write about, as I wish that it is something that I let alone any one never had to experience, but alas it is, so it is with that in mind, and with that truth of experience that I have decided to write this post and once again lay another piece of my soul bare for all to see, so with out further to do here we go.

So today's post is going to be just very brief as I should be trying to get to bed (although I don't know how successful that is going to be) but I think for today I'm just going to try to capture a quick "snapshot" of my soul, so hear goes  nothing, ironically at the moment quite the appropriate line as for as many things that seem to be running threw my head and as freaking restless as I seem to be I am also overpowered by the feeling of not caring about anything let alone caring about my self or anything that happens to me or about my life or living it in general. Yet I still fined that just about everything even just the simple act of writing this to be just about emotionally overwhelming yet not writing it is just about as emotionally overwhelming too.

OK so I know that this is not particularly a "gay issue" but it is still something that I would like to post about as it is a me issue at the moment and it is why I have not been posted in two days.  As I have established in one of my previous post   Link  I have an "issue" (post will clear up what if you have not read please do) well things have decided to act up quite a bit agent lately, and I am back on the fun fun emotional veering roller coaster, along with well being some what underlying depressed yet not at the same time.I know fun fun, which as one can imagine makes it slightly challenging to sit down and write coherently on a subject.  I would like to apologise to my readers and assure them that I will be doing my best to try to get something good posted as soon as possible. as always feel free to comment or message me if you wish.  Have a great day.

Ok so today I would like to talk about something that has been on my mind lately, and has been kind of eeking me.  It has been how we, at leas in this country, have a double standard when it comes to anything mental health related.  It is actually quite shameful to tell the truth, as society as a whole we seem to shun and separate out any one that we suspect (or know) of having any sort of mental health issue and treat them like they are some sort of contagious freak, or at the very least like they are some shameful weak willed failure of a person, because they suffer from an illness.  Yet this is just the tip of the shameful iceberg.