As those of you that have fallowed my post for a while now know I have some mental and emotional issues, that have a profound effect on me and on the quality of my life, you are probably honestly the ones that also honestly the ones that probably have the clearest picture of how deeply of an effect they do have upon me and my life. yet that picture is still a picture that in many ways up to this point is sugar coated, as part of my fasad of maintaining some strength and power.
What may not be clear to many in my life is the true turmoil that is going on with in me, the emotional storms, the storms that seem to no matter what is done to try to treat them, to try to tame them, only continue and gain strength and frequency. Turmoil that at times tares at me down to every fiber of my being, making me feel that I am literally about to go out of my mind, and at other times to feel uncontrollable rage for no reason at all, over the most minor of things that should not elicit any sort of reaction at all. Then there is wanting to retreat into my shell to disappear into the background, to be swallowed up into a black whole, to be so enveloped in sorrow that to even care for you self take such extraordinary effort that it can feel overwhelming. Then there are those bright spots those spots where optimism is overly abundant where almost nothing can go wrong, where most anything is possible, and where life just extra great, where sleep is over rated and energy is abound. Yet in most all of these moods agitation is always present at some level, and anger is always ready to bubble to the surface an unwelcome intruder to start fights I never wanted to start, fights I never want to be in, yet can't back down from no mater how much they hurt me.
These states of being very seldom shift for a reason that a person would normally expect, or they would in a normal person. For me they shift for no discernable reason at all very rapidly with out warning, causing me to go just about crashing from one emotional state to another. Which leaves me struggling to then force my self to deal with the new state, in a way that I can continue to do what is expected of me as seamlessly as possible so that those around me, most specifically at work don't know what is going on. Which unfortunately I have been failing at more then I would like recently.
It really is to the point and has been for some time now that I know that I can't keep living like this as this is not a life that I want to live, and it is not a life that I think any one would really want to live. I know full well what is actually wrong with my yet nothing seems to be helping, and every thing that has been done so far is not helping, medications don't seem to do anything to make it better they just add some other frustrating side-effects on top of the already hard enough for me to deal with effects of my problem. I really don't want to keep living a life that is so "toxic", it is a life that I if something drastic dose not change I don't see turning out well let alone truing out to be the one that I want it to be. Unfortunately with the way things are going I don't see much hope for the kind of change that is going to be needed to have the kind of outcome that I would so deeply like there to be. However I very truly and deeply fear that unless something dose change and dose change that things are not going to turn out good for me, I very deeply fear that I'm ether going to end up dead some where, or that I'm going to truly go out of my mind, which is why I so often joke about them especially the latter of the two. I often joke about things that I very truly and deeply fear so that those around me don't know that I actually fear them.
I know that there is that great FDR quote "the only thing you have to fear is fear its self" but I some times think that fear is the only thing that is keeping me from going further under then I have at times, as it is the fear of going under to that point that has caused me to finally step out and seek help. It is also that fear that has this time around caused to to continue on with the process of help even though it really is not doing anything or at least much to help at the moment. But I really don't know how long that can last as no light at the end of the tunnel dose not make things promising and even that light comes with such a catch. A catch that this is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and even if a right combo of treatment is found at anytime it could stop working and things could be back where they are now or be much worse, which is something that I can hardly fathom. I wish that I had no cause to write such a post, that this was not a truth about my life, about what it means to simply exist as me, that instant it was something else, something political or social. However this is the darker side of what it means to be me, the side that is not political of social, but the side that is deeply emotional and personal, the side that as unbalanced as it maybe props up the balance of the other side.
As always thank you for reading, and comments are welcome. :-|