A North West View

I have been wondering lately about what increasing seems to be an intertwined relationship between so many of the issues that I have and the things that cause me to have such a hatred towards my self, that I now wounder if they might has some intertwined and related cause/root that lies beneath them.  I am beginning to wounder if I might not have uncovered a clue to them in the combination of my different blog post and even more so in the recent journaling that I have taken up doing, especially considering that I conjunction with that I have been starting to allow my self to actually feel and experience my emotions and at the same time start to question why it is that I am experiencing them, and quite often it seems to be surfacing that like I have been away in the past the ways that I feel towards my self are not necessarily on the logical side, especially when compared to the way that I feel towards others for the same things. Yet I am not at all sure if this theory is ...

What do I see when I look at my self, not physically but as a person, which is something that I don't ever really share because people inevitably never actually know how to respond or what to make of how ti is that I actually feel about my self, and not only that but I have been burned enough times in the past that I also fear giving others stuff that they can use as ammunition to hurt me at some point in the future. After all I guess how are people supposed to respond when you tell them that you don't like your self, let alone but that in fact you see your self as a stupid, weak,worthless and genuinely a crummy failure of  person that really dose not have much of anything to offer the people around them let alone the wold. I don't know why I view my self this way.

I was looking threw Queerty today and ran across a this little pic article which in it's self is very cute, but one of the comment is what caught my attention.  That comment was that basically in our society boys are taught not to show their emotions and most specifically ones what could be seen as weak.  The comment brought up the idea that if in our society we could move away for the idea that a man is weak for experiencing and freely expressing his emotions not only would men as a whole be mentally and psychological healthier but the society as a whole would be heather and much more peaceful.  This idea has kind of struck me.

Today I am going to talk about  current state of impasse and indecision about what to do when it comes to trying to deal with the problems that I am having.  I know that things emotionally and mood (stability) wise are very much not getting better and have hit an impasse and slipped, especially since I had to cut one of my medications in half do to side effects. (migraine style headache and loss of since of balance)  I also know that I seem to be ever more frustrated, angry and agitated too.

So I am going to be trying to write on a more regular basses but I can't promise anything, but I am hoping that slicing the time out of the day to write a post will be something that is good for me and that it will help me to at least have one goal that I can mange to accomplish.  I really do hope to accomplish this goal although I can't promise that I will as things are not quite all "sunny in Philadelphia" so to say, to the point that was/ to a certain extent am ready after less then a week from my last visit with my doctor to call and basically demand to be taken off all my medication as I don't think its helping at all now and I really can't stand the side affects any more and I think that they are just getting worse.  But I digress as that is not what I plan on this post being about. so what I want to talk about is my one could say conflict when it comes to my "femininity" as it has been pointed out by many people I am not the most masculine g...

So today I would like to talk about another personal topic, so please bare with me if I seem to get a little off track, as I will try to keep things as directed as possible.  So today I would like to talk about and try to explore why I spend so much time feeling so ill at ease in my own skin, why I worry I'm to gay and not my self, yet not knowing who that "self" that I'm worried I'm not being is.  I find my self doubting and uncomfortable with many of my "new" interest, and the gay ways that I will catch my self behaving, whether its some sort of remark, or just "way" of doing something, or just what I feel my general vibe is, I find it on worrying, and discomforting, I fear/worry that I have lost/ am not showing my self that was there before the gay, yet its a self that I really can't identify.  It is like the "self" that I feel that I am losing is not actually a real one but the problem is that I have spent so much time...