How I See Myself

What do I see when I look at my self, not physically but as a person, which is something that I don't ever really share because people inevitably never actually know how to respond or what to make of how ti is that I actually feel about my self, and not only that but I have been burned enough times in the past that I also fear giving others stuff that they can use as ammunition to hurt me at some point in the future. After all I guess how are people supposed to respond when you tell them that you don't like your self, let alone but that in fact you see your self as a stupid, weak,worthless and genuinely a crummy failure of  person that really dose not have much of anything to offer the people around them let alone the wold. I don't know why I view my self this way.

I don't see my self as strong or tough, I don't understand how people can see straight and toughness in me, because I don't I see the exact opposite.  I see how no matter how hard I seem to try to be strong and tough, to tough things out, and power my way threw, instead I wind up falling flat and struggling to pick my self back up and having to reach out to the hands of others sometimes to do so.  I see how I have not been able out out will things, to bring about the results I feel needed to be brought about, but instead ether had to back track, admit defeat or even grasp out for help!  I have failed many times in the past to be able to power threw my depressions, instead of being able to battle threw them on my own not only have instead I fallen flat, to the point of wanting to kill my self and of thinking up how but not being able to fully actuate the plans, another sign of weakness but I was not able to make it go away, instead I was forced to wave a flag in defeat and grasp for help, all to often in the form of medication and "mental health professionals", ultimately dragging more people into what should have been my own personal fight, for me to overcome on my own.   I am not able to keep my self from being hurt by others, and am not able to always hide it when others have hurt me and caused me pain, instead of being able to suck it up and wear my big boy undies, I get emotional, and feel like tearing up and crying and being upset when others say things that rip at my feelings. I am out but for me that still stings of a sign of defeat, that I was unable to muster up the strength to battle threw my sexuality, and to mange the toughness to make those feeling go away if not be able to replace them with feelings and attractions to the opposite sex or at the very least make my same sex attractions so diminished as to be able to ignore them with sufficient will power.

Strength and toughness would be the ability to not only fight my way threw something but to be able to fight my way threw it on my own with out inflicting any portions of it on others.  To be able to over come and make things no longer an issue.  Strength would be the ability to fight any of my emotional troubles and turmoils and to make them go away, not to simply struggle my way threw them, let alone to struggle my way threw them in was that others can see i'm struggling, but to fight them off and make them go away and ultimately not come back. Yet instead I keep struggling with them, and even needing help from others to try, to deal with them, which only punishes them for my weakness and inability to find the inner strength to go it alone.

Then of course should the failure of weakness be a surprise when one is also stupid?  When one can't hardly spell worth a darn, and sucks at math and heck has trouble even thinking and writing in a straight coherent manner instead of with things being reversed and jumbled up like a giant disastrous mess.  Heck I never did that well in school, especially HS.  I have never gone to college and really don't see it in my future ether, and what kind of smart person can say that?  I make silly mistakes, get my grammar screwed up and for the life of me have never been able to learn another language no matter how hard I have tried, because of the life of me I at times I could not tell you most of the rules of the English language.  Then again what kind of intelligent person works as an associate in a retail job let alone actually likes working said job?  I failed at being good at school at being good at mastering the ability to simply succeed in school! I am so absent minded and easily turned around that if to many things start happening next thing you know I start screwing things up left in right, when I need to try to multitask, or I simply forget what it was is was doing or where I put that thing that I need!

I have failed at so much, I have failed at education, I have failed at a carrier and have no real desire to clime any sort of corporate ladder, I have failed at a relationship, I have failed at being normal, at having control over my emotions at being able to overcome my emotions.  I have failed at being liked by others, of being valuable enough for others to treat me with any modicum of respect, then again what have I ever done to earn it? Why should others treat me with respect when I even fail at presenting a face for them to see that would show someone that had a level of worth, worth respecting?

Nothing I ever do is ever good enough, I am never good enough, no matter how hard I try, there is always something wrong with what I am doing, what I have done how I went about doing it or how it turned out.  I have never been good enough, I have always been a screw up, always to emotional, to stupid, to silly, to girl, to weak, to fat, to slow, to out there, to shy, to loud, to ugly, to distractible, to screwy, to gay, to quite, to messy,  to moody, to unlikeable, to distractible, just an all around faille who is not good enough at anything.