A North West View

I have been wondering lately about what increasing seems to be an intertwined relationship between so many of the issues that I have and the things that cause me to have such a hatred towards my self, that I now wounder if they might has some intertwined and related cause/root that lies beneath them.  I am beginning to wounder if I might not have uncovered a clue to them in the combination of my different blog post and even more so in the recent journaling that I have taken up doing, especially considering that I conjunction with that I have been starting to allow my self to actually feel and experience my emotions and at the same time start to question why it is that I am experiencing them, and quite often it seems to be surfacing that like I have been away in the past the ways that I feel towards my self are not necessarily on the logical side, especially when compared to the way that I feel towards others for the same things. Yet I am not at all sure if this theory is ...

I don't know if this will come as a surprise to some of you but I am not at all a self confident person, at least when I am in a face to face type social situation.  It may seem strange that I am so open when it comes to sharing with others on the web, and really am much more confident on the web then I am when it comes to with others face to face, but I think part of it is the anonymity and the fact that you aren't physically right there and trying to read the person, based on what they are saying, how they are and their body language.  It kind of freeing in a way.

Today I am going to talk about  current state of impasse and indecision about what to do when it comes to trying to deal with the problems that I am having.  I know that things emotionally and mood (stability) wise are very much not getting better and have hit an impasse and slipped, especially since I had to cut one of my medications in half do to side effects. (migraine style headache and loss of since of balance)  I also know that I seem to be ever more frustrated, angry and agitated too.

So I have been having my emotional ups and downs lately (it dose not help that work has turned into one B.S. fest) but they have also highlighted some of my other issues, along with making things very hard and generally unpleasant to deal with most of the time.  One of them being the fact that in a little over 3 months (June 23) that I will be 24, and that my life is no where near where I had wanted it to be,  nor do I see it getting there any time soon.

So today I would like to talk about another personal topic, so please bare with me if I seem to get a little off track, as I will try to keep things as directed as possible.  So today I would like to talk about and try to explore why I spend so much time feeling so ill at ease in my own skin, why I worry I'm to gay and not my self, yet not knowing who that "self" that I'm worried I'm not being is.  I find my self doubting and uncomfortable with many of my "new" interest, and the gay ways that I will catch my self behaving, whether its some sort of remark, or just "way" of doing something, or just what I feel my general vibe is, I find it on worrying, and discomforting, I fear/worry that I have lost/ am not showing my self that was there before the gay, yet its a self that I really can't identify.  It is like the "self" that I feel that I am losing is not actually a real one but the problem is that I have spent so much time...