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Uncomfortable In My Own Skin

So today I would like to talk about another personal topic, so please bare with me if I seem to get a little off track, as I will try to keep things as directed as possible.  So today I would like to talk about and try to explore why I spend so much time feeling so ill at ease in my own skin, why I worry I'm to gay and not my self, yet not knowing who that "self" that I'm worried I'm not being is.  I find my self doubting and uncomfortable with many of my "new" interest, and the gay ways that I will catch my self behaving, whether its some sort of remark, or just "way" of doing something, or just what I feel my general vibe is, I find it on worrying, and discomforting, I fear/worry that I have lost/ am not showing my self that was there before the gay, yet its a self that I really can't identify.  It is like the "self" that I feel that I am losing is not actually a real one but the problem is that I have spent so much time in my life being that self instead of what ever self is the real one that I don't know what my real self is.

What I do know is that the largest part of this discomfort within my own skin is with the observation of gayness within my self, whether it be from speak to body language and every thing in between. This is on of the reasons that even though I like making YouTube videos I don't make them hardly ever, it is because when I do and I watch my self back I am forced to see just how gay I actually sound and look/behave.  Which is not something that I like to be made to do, which I don't know why I don't like, but I really don't.

I am sorry if this is not making much since, I am having some trouble today with stringing thoughts together in a coherent manner, as well as remembering words I want to use. (the joys of drug side affects)  I really am not sure what is wrong.  I wish I could be more concise, but I really can hardly think in complete sentences any more at this time, with out it takes about a minute or two for them to actually process. (which makes me want to cry)

As always thank you for reading, and comments and feed back are aways welcome and very much appreciated.

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