Skip to main content

Uncomfortable In My Own Skin

So today I would like to talk about another personal topic, so please bare with me if I seem to get a little off track, as I will try to keep things as directed as possible.  So today I would like to talk about and try to explore why I spend so much time feeling so ill at ease in my own skin, why I worry I'm to gay and not my self, yet not knowing who that "self" that I'm worried I'm not being is.  I find my self doubting and uncomfortable with many of my "new" interest, and the gay ways that I will catch my self behaving, whether its some sort of remark, or just "way" of doing something, or just what I feel my general vibe is, I find it on worrying, and discomforting, I fear/worry that I have lost/ am not showing my self that was there before the gay, yet its a self that I really can't identify.  It is like the "self" that I feel that I am losing is not actually a real one but the problem is that I have spent so much time in my life being that self instead of what ever self is the real one that I don't know what my real self is.

What I do know is that the largest part of this discomfort within my own skin is with the observation of gayness within my self, whether it be from speak to body language and every thing in between. This is on of the reasons that even though I like making YouTube videos I don't make them hardly ever, it is because when I do and I watch my self back I am forced to see just how gay I actually sound and look/behave.  Which is not something that I like to be made to do, which I don't know why I don't like, but I really don't.

I am sorry if this is not making much since, I am having some trouble today with stringing thoughts together in a coherent manner, as well as remembering words I want to use. (the joys of drug side affects)  I really am not sure what is wrong.  I wish I could be more concise, but I really can hardly think in complete sentences any more at this time, with out it takes about a minute or two for them to actually process. (which makes me want to cry)

As always thank you for reading, and comments and feed back are aways welcome and very much appreciated.


Popular posts from this blog

When The Wheels Come Flying Off The High

So how do you get to the point where the wheels are flying off the your manic high, especially when you are supposedly supposed to be educated on your disorder.  For me that is at once a complicated and in ways a simple question.  It is complicated because there are so many warning signs to be missed or to be shoved under the rug, and yet so simple because it is rooted in the fact that your brain is saying that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about, when in fact if you value your mental stability and balance, like I do, there is very much to be worried about.  This is not just so abstract question that I ponder in my mind like an artifact displayed in a case at a museum, it is something that is a very real part of my life and something that I am living through at this very moment. 

Start The Journey

Life is something that one truly has no choice but to take part in, but life can also be an adventure if one chooses to make it one . 

Lesson Learned the Hard Way

I have a lesson that I have learned the hard way, I learned it with the loss of 12 years worth of my photography, with the only surviving work being the limited amount that I had curated and shared on my recently started Flickr page.  12 years worth of passion and work that I can never get back, and