Skip to main content


Showing posts from 2013

Spiritually Adrift

So it has been a while since my last post, I am doing quite well I have just be busy and well have not made the time that I need to actually do a post, along with neglecting to make time to do other things that I enjoy. So one of my goals for the New Year is to try and make time in my day/week to do those things.

Music Can Sooth The Soul

Today and yesterday has been one of those days at work. It has been heck in no small part due to the fact that our which of a regional has been in the store.  I thought though that I would share with you guys some songs that I love.

Mental Health Stigma Disguised As Fact

As if there where not enough reasons to dislike and not trust Fox New with their lies and sensationalism, here is another glaring example, and this one dose not involve politics, or anything about a person that is something that they have made a choice about.  No this one is about something that people have no say in whether it exist as part of them selves or not, it is about mental illness, and like is typical of Fox News it is shoddy "commentating" that fails to get all the facts behind it, in order to paint a sensationalist even fear inducing talking point.  In this case it falsely reinforces many stigmas that people with mental illness have to deal with in daily life and that keep meany from seeking the help that they need, or when they get it disbelieving that the problem is real.  They are lies that make people that already have a challenging road to walk feel all that much more ashamed, isolated and like social outcast and pariahs.  To be fair this is something that …

Felling Creative

I know that some of you have been worried about me and how I have been doing, I am really starting to feel better.  Matter of fact I have been feeling creative lately and I have started to write, and a story at that which is something that I don't often do.  I thought that I would share a little taste of it with you so after the jump is the first paragraph of my story. (8 pages so far)

Hiding In The Sand

I find that I feel like a bad person lately for my total lack of engaging in the current events going on in the world around me on any meaningful level, scientific topics on the environment, politics all the way up to current events in Syria, where I know just the most basic facts from the odd news headline or post that drifts past me on Facebook where I don't even really read them at all. (and I have a couple of friends, one in particular that is very plugged into all of that) I don't watch the news, the most news I get is reading the local headlines of the local paper online, not even reading the stories.  I feel like as an adult I should be plugged into those things, and that it is part of my responsibility as one to be as well informed as I can possibly be, yet I am in effect hiding my head in the ground to the world around me. this is something that had been gnawing away at me in the back of my mind for a while until it suddenly came into sharp focus.

Not bad bad.

Sorry if I have frightened any of my readers with my expressions of my inner feelings.  I am in now way a threat to myself right now.  I plan on speaking to my doc on Monday. I have done a self depression test and fall into the lower rang of moderet-sever which for me is a "not bad" level as I have no self harmful to my self. I just have no interest in anything nor any reall hope about the future. But I still function mostly well I just dont really want to do it, and tend to feel overwhelmed and pissed of much more easily. But in a strange way even though it is not a great place to be I it is somehow still a comfort too.


Nothingness sneaks in first filling in the hidden corners of one’s being, then slowly spreading like a black mass, smothering all the lies in its path, draining the life out of life itself.  Yet its familiarity in a very twisted way brings some level of comfort,  as if a treasured blanket on a cold dark evening.

The Storm Clouds Gather

Time ticks by slowly inevitably moving closer and closer to the time of death. As clouds build up in the sky, first on the horizon then encroaching ever closer and closer, until all of the heavens are blotted out behind their threatening dark masses, waiting to open up and flood the earth below. Until everything that is and everything that was is washed away and all the is left is nothingness.

I Wish That I Could Go Back In The Closet!

I have been having a lot of issues lately, I have always had feelings like I wish that I could go back into the closet. Of course that is something that I can't do short of packing up my whole life and moving somewhere else where nobody knows me, and that is not in the cards at all. I still find my self wishing that I could do that, that if I had a chance to do it all over again that I would not have come out in the first place.  I know that, that sounds stupid and horrible, and makes me sound like bad person and that it probably makes some of you hate me and think that I am a very bad person, and you have every right to feel that way about me, and even to express those feelings towards me.

Sunday Book Review: Destiny On The Tracks

This week I would like to write up a quick review of Destiny On The Tracks by Drake Braxton.  This is only the second book that he has written, but I find that this book has cemented him as one of my favorite authors, who is a must read.  I can honestly say that I can't wait to see what his next book is going to be, let alone wait for it to come to press. For now though we will content our self with this amazing read.

I Don't Want To Be Nor Be Seen As Woman!

This seems to be a constant struggle of mine, one that seems to throw a wrench in the works of a lot of things. It also seems to play on a lot of insecurity's that I have as well as bad feelings from the past.  It is a topic that has come up recently in therapy with my shrink, as it touches quite a few areas in my life and is one of the big things that cause me to have negative feeling about my self. That thing is that I really don't want to be seen as a women, as womanly or as playing the roll of a women in any part of my life. However those are things that others have blatantly thrown at me making me hyper aware that they think I do/am, and that they seem me as doing and being womanly.  I have a very clear picture of how I want to be seen and how I should be, but it seems to be a picture that I just can't live up to, or in other ways have dieresis that conflict with that desire of how I really should be.  I strongly want to be seen as a real man, as someone that fits th…

Will I Ever Meet Some One?

I find my self feeling lonely lately, especially over the last week with mom out of town and me having the house all to my self all evening when I get off work, I find that it has made me feel exceptionally lonely.  I have found my self wishing for someone to share my life with. 

I find my self wishing that I was better at figuring my way around online dating. I just seem to have no luck with it, and it is really the only way for me to scare up date. I don't know what to do with my profile to make it better and make me more appealing to the limited local dating pool. 

Sure I could increase the pool if I where to move to say Seattle, or expand my range to Vancouver BC, however I'm not a big city boy. If i where to I would want someone that will live in the city I do. and I love the city I live in, I like my job, and want to be near my family. Bellingham is where my life is. I don't know maybe I just want too much, and will just be single for the rest of my life.

Why take the pills?

I am getting sick and tired of having to tire myself to the tether of pills, to have to take pills every day, pills that deaden my emotions.  That take some of the vividness out of the world and the power of my emotions away. Even if the vividness might be on the darker side, anything is better then feeling numb and lifeless inside.  To feel like you have been mummified and are just making the motions to move through the day, to be like a spectator to your own life. Instead I have been recently left with the desire to brake those bonds to no longer have to be tethered to such things, to instead be normal, to no longer have to take pills. To no longer have to deal with side affects like feeling sort of sedated to have my mind and my thoughts slowed down to no longer have to feel slow and dimwitted. To not have to deal with my mind freezing up at times and being left looking like a fool as you stand there in the middle of explaining something left frozen half way threw a thought becaus…

Why Was I Made This Way

I would like to start off by saying that I know with every fiber of my being that God is a part of my life and that he has never left my side and that he never will, of that I have no doubt. I however wonder though what I have done to diserve to be made to be be gay, and that no amount of praying has or ever will change that.  Leaving me to admit deffet and giving up on that change.  A song played over the radio at work the other day, that reminded me of the time in my life when I finaly had to admit failure on my part on being able to change that part of me.  To have to admit that I was not good enough to change that part of me.  That no matter how much I tired and I prayed that I was just not good enogh to be able to change that.  I often wounder what I did and what I have done to doserve to be made gay.Then there is being made to be bipolar, what did I do to deserve this? To diserve to have a surious mental ilness that requires me to take medication for the rest of my life, or to i…


So today I would like to talk about something that might make some people uncomfortable  and is not something that I find the most comfortable topic in the world myself ether, and that topic quite frankly is sex, and sexuality. Yeah that topic that is only supposed to be talked about behind closed doors in whispered voices, not in a forum that is public, even if it is one that to a certain extent is anonymous at the same time. (even though nothing in life even the web is one hundred percent anonymous) However I feel that there is enough anonymity in this particular forum to talk about such a thing and how it pertains to life and especially to myself personally, in an open and honest manor. So with out further adieu I will get started right after the jump.

Relationship, How Long Has It Been?

So recently I realsed that it has now been over two years since my last relationship ended and that in that time I have been in nothing close to a relationahip.  Matter of fact in that two years I have only gone on two dates! I knew that it had been a while since I had been in a relationahip but it did come as a  shock to realise that it had been that long, to tell the truth I think that it is the longest that I have gone since I came out without being in any type of relqtionship.  in that time I can't say that I have not been lonely becuase there have been many times that I have been quiet lonely, yet at the same time I have had no will to actualy seek out a relationship let alone a date.

Sunday book review: An Unconventional Courtship

So this weeks post is going to be shorter then normal because the power supply on my computer gave out, and I am writing this on my tablet. This week I would like to write my review on An Unconventional Courthship, by Scotty Cade. Read more after the jump.

Sunday Book Review, Knockdown By Sarah Graves

So this Sunday we are going to have a change of gears away from romances, that I have read in the past, to a mystery that I have just finished reading.  I just finished reading Knockdown: A Home Repair Is Homicide Mystery, by Sarah Graves, which is part of her home repair is homicide series of books. Even though I only have read a few of them, I have to admit that I am quite hocked on the series, which wraps home repair information seamlessly into the plot as well as giving small tips under the chapter number for each chapter. I know that it may sound quite odd but it really is very good.

Sunday Book Review, Color Of Grace

So it is time once again for another Sunday book review, and keeping with the romance novel kick (after all every one has to have their guilty pleasures in life, this being one of the better ones that someone can have) that I have been/was on for the time that I dropped off the face of the blogging world, today I will be reviewing Color Of Grace by A.M. Arthur. Who on a side note is an author that I am quite enamored with. I have come to quite enjoy her writing style and the complexity of her story lines as well as her characters. She leaves me looking forward to reading her next book.

Once again A.M. Arthur creates a engrossing read,

Sunday Book Review, Cost Of Repairs

I know that it has been a long time since I have posted any thing, in part because I have pretty much dropped off the radar and have not even really been keeping up with any of the things that I have a passion for, sort of reading books.  Which is why I would like to try to make Sunday book reviews something of a semi regular thing, and I sincerely hope that it is something that you my readers enjoy.  On that note today I would like to review on of those books, Cost Of Repairs, By A.M. Arthur. I have been on a Romance novel kick as of late and Cost Of Repairs, is a romance, which also happens to be a gay romance.