This seems to be a constant struggle of mine, one that seems to throw a wrench in the works of a lot of things. It also seems to play on a lot of insecurity's that I have as well as bad feelings from the past. It is a topic that has come up recently in therapy with my shrink, as it touches quite a few areas in my life and is one of the big things that cause me to have negative feeling about my self. That thing is that I really don't want to be seen as a women, as womanly or as playing the roll of a women in any part of my life. However those are things that others have blatantly thrown at me making me hyper aware that they think I do/am, and that they seem me as doing and being womanly. I have a very clear picture of how I want to be seen and how I should be, but it seems to be a picture that I just can't live up to, or in other ways have dieresis that conflict with that desire of how I really should be. I strongly want to be seen as a real man, as someone that fits the roll of a man and is seen as one by those around me. and I feel strongly that, that is how I should and am supposed to be, because to be any other way is just plain and simple wrong. Not only is it bad to not fit those rolls and be seen as such it is an indicator of weakness. As one can imagine that causes a lot of conflict and internal stress and negative views of my self that only feed the over all negative view of my self that i seem to carry around that becomes acutely obvious when in am in any type of depressed mood.
I deeply resent the fact that others can see in me these womanly qualities, not only do I resent that but I even more resent the fact that I can't seem to pin point and change the things about me that make them see such things. It is something that I truly wish that I could figure out so that I could try to change those things, and shape my self into portraying the qualities of being a man that I want others to see. In very meany ways I resent the fact that I am gay and wish that I could make my self not be. Honestly a good chunk of the time if someone where to come up to me with a magic pill that could take that part of me away I would take them up on the their offer and take that pill. I honestly think that it is something that makes me all much less of a real man. It is something that other people seem to have picked up in me since a relatively young age and it is something that they seem to pick up on because they feel that I am more of womanly person then I ought to be. It is something that I have failed at hiding about my self in the past even when trying,(after all I have had people tell me that they could tell from the moment they meet me, even when I was actively trying to hide that about myself) probably in big part do to the fact that I don't really know what it is about myself and what I do that causes them to see these truths about me.
I feel that if I could make my self straight or to seem at least a little more straight then others seem to see me as that it would go a long way into making me more of a really man. not only would it change peoples perceptions of me but at the very least if I was able to change those outward things about me it would also cause me to change inwardly and that inward change would be and is something that is extremely important in helping to shame and change me into a real man.
Then there is the fact that I desires that are in direct conflict with not only not being seen in the ways that I don't want to be seen but in becoming more of a real man, and to play the roll of one. like that fact that things that I desire out of a relationship are just about the polar opposite of what I should be desiring and wanting out of a relationship if I stand a chance of being a real man. Like the fact that I want someone that is more dominant, in charge and in control in the relationship. Not in the since that I don't have say in things, but that they are the one that is of the leader when it comes to thing allowing me to be more of a follower. That they in ways are more of a protector as well, and these are all things outside of the bedroom, but many of them sort of overlap into what I would like there too. This is however the exact opposite of what I should be desiring and fly's right in the face of shaping me into the person that I should be and of building the image that I want others to see me as. As it is I don't really talk about such things to those that I know, The only person that I have ever really even mention these sorts of things and even at that omitting the fact that I would like them to somewhat overlap into the bedroom is my shrink, yet others seem to have pegged even that part of me and it is something that deeply don't like at all.
It is something that others have said in various levels of joking and with various levels of malice. how ever even when it is not meant to bother or hurt me, and even though I pretend that it dose not it is something that cuts me deeply and brigs up a lot of negative feelings about my self. Not only that it only further puts a fine point onto the fact that I am totally not a real man at all but instead in effect a man in name only.
Honestly if I could even if it meant sacrificing parts about my self that I like, if offered the chance to change about me the things that make me not a real man and that make others see me in such ways too, I would take up that offer in a hart beat. I so strongly desire to be the person that I should be. But that is not an option, so I am left confused, conflicted, frustrated and resenting my self for being the way that I am. Which is why I guess that I allowed this topic to even be touched on in my therapy at all, maybe it will give in sight into what I can to to change my self to help me shape my self into the person that I should be.
Until next time dear readers.
P.S. sorry about the long time with out a post.