It all came into sharp focus, when I was having a conversation, and a rather long one at that, with a friend who is quite involved in these topics and quite knowledgeable too, even if they are on the pessimistic side of things. I realized during that conversation how much I really tired to mentally glance over everything from the science coming out on the environment to Syria. It was a willful effort to not let those sorts of things sink into my mind but to instead let them bounce right off, like a rain drop on a roof. How much I actively wanted to leave my self in the dark, like if I let the information in not only was there nothing that I could do about it but that it would do me harm, and that I would rather stand on the sidelines with my back turned to it all. That I had to protect something.
It seems to me like such a childish thing to do and way to think, to think that if you do not acknowledge it and don't have anything to do with it that it will go away entirely. It makes me feel so stupid that I do such things and that I have such a strong need to protect myself, like those things are going to hurt me. It is like I fear that they are going to sour my views that they will kill the hopes that things will get better, and force me to deal with things other then the immediate issues in my life and with myself. You know to do the things that an adult is supposed to do and focus on more then just them selves, and to focus on the larger world around them to even if that means that things are unpleasant or can at least seem that way.
I feel like not only do I fail at so many other things in my life but that I am failing at being an adult too, that I am trying to shelter my self like someone tries to shelter a child for all the things in the world around them that might not be happy good things. And that is not good but I can't seem to stop doing it, like there is something wrong with me.