I have been having a lot of issues lately, I have always had feelings like I wish that I could go back into the closet. Of course that is something that I can't do short of packing up my whole life and moving somewhere else where nobody knows me, and that is not in the cards at all. I still find my self wishing that I could do that, that if I had a chance to do it all over again that I would not have come out in the first place. I know that, that sounds stupid and horrible, and makes me sound like bad person and that it probably makes some of you hate me and think that I am a very bad person, and you have every right to feel that way about me, and even to express those feelings towards me.
I find my self so often lately deeply wishing that I could go back into the closet, even though it was not necessarily that great of a place to be in. Not only that but it also all but guarantied that I would be alone for the rest of my life, due in no small part that I could never get myself to like a girl in the sort of way that would build the kind of relationship that is more then a close friend ship, no matter how hard I wished that I could. So much of the time it seems like an acceptable sacrifice to make, as it seems in many ways I am close to being that way already. I mean as it is I don't date and really doing most things to keep my self away from it, like actively avoiding and ignoring the dating profiles (that I have not deleted in part because I don't even want to go on them even if it is just to do that) that I had set up a long time ago and actively deleting any alerts that people have contacted or viewed my profile, before even looking at them. Even though a part of me dose not want to be lonely I just don't want to be in a relationship to have to have something that makes me feel so ashamed and wrong, something that even though I may desperately want, but it also being something that as equally desperately I have to hide away and keep other people from seeing it, or knowing about it. It really is to the point that so much of the time I can not see me having any meaningful relationship at all let alone a "happily ever after one".
I desperately wish that people did not know I was gay and that they did not see that in me, and that even if they did that I could deny it, that I could say that it was not true, that they where wrong that I am not that way. That I am not such a shame of a person that is disgusting in so many ways. That deserves to be and rightfully is ashamed and disgusted by them selves. At least in the closet I could hide all of that away and deny that it was ever there, and people would believe me, and I would be so much closer to what is expected from me, and I would have valid reasons to get upset with people and not like it when they try to joke around and make light about it, and make me the but of those jokes that I am supposed to laugh along with.
At least then there was a real reason to hate everything about who I am attracted to, about being attracted to them to hate my sexuality itself and everything related to it or that could loosely be attached to relating to it. At least then I was not expected to be comfortable with it and to be proud of it.
until next time dear readers.
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