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Why take the pills?


I am getting sick and tired of having to tire myself to the tether of pills, to have to take pills every day, pills that deaden my emotions.  That take some of the vividness out of the world and the power of my emotions away. Even if the vividness might be on the darker side, anything is better then feeling numb and lifeless inside.  To feel like you have been mummified and are just making the motions to move through the day, to be like a spectator to your own life. Instead I have been recently left with the desire to brake those bonds to no longer have to be tethered to such things, to instead be normal, to no longer have to take pills. To no longer have to deal with side affects like feeling sort of sedated to have my mind and my thoughts slowed down to no longer have to feel slow and dimwitted. To not have to deal with my mind freezing up at times and being left looking like a fool as you stand there in the middle of explaining something left frozen half way threw a thought because your mind has frozen up.  I desire to be freed of the chemical cage that the pills represent.

Not to mention that I don't trust that the pills are actually good for me, that they just are not screwing up my brain possibly irreversibly.  After all how can something that has such affects on ones mind not be something that is a danger to their mind too?  To not be acting as some sort of toxin to the function of the mind and the many systems that are built upon it? After all what do the drug companies who effectively own the FDA care about those sorts of affects, they are just in it to make a profit not to actual care about what possible long term damage their drugs may cause.  Why should I put such things into my system?

I so desperately want off of the things, it really has crossed my mind to just stop taking them with out even talking to my shrink or any one else about it because I don't believe that they will understand.  No they think that the drugs are a solution to a problem and that they make me a better person.  I know that my family, and even my coworkers think that they make me a better person, yet I don't feel that they make me a better person just a person whose true emotions have been trapped inside of a cage.  I feel that it traps me into better fitting the mold of the person that they want me to be, but I don't know that, that is the mold that I want to fit, to feel less like me, to feel numb and dead inside.  

I so want off of these drugs that those around me think I need to be one, to be freed of them so that I can more closely be normal, not some chemically controlled something else. Not a profit margin for the drug companies, just another decimal point in their statistics and bank accounts  not a guinea pig, put out there saying that the supposed benefits out weigh the unknown long term risks of being filled with such chemicals.  I want to brake free of it all and to most importantly be normal!  That is what I want.      
 
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Comments

  1. DaveApril 30, 2013 at 12:19 PM

    But if you stop your meds, you’re probably not going to revert to so-called “normal.” You’ll be returning to the full power of the bipolar illness itself. As opposed to making your therapist, family and coworkers happier because the drugs make your behavior more tolerable to them, you need to consider on balance which way you function better: the un-medicated fully bipolar state or the less bipolar but drugged out—flat liner state of being you have now.

    It also may be dangerous to abruptly stop meds as powerful as your taking. It might call for gradually reducing what you’re taking for the weaning process to be safe.

    Before you do anything drastic, maybe you should find an online bipolar support group to air your concerns too and see if they are having like experiences and have they made changes that helped ease those side effects without necessarily giving up entirely on treating their underlying illness. I would think a major hospital would be able to connect you with such a group. Do you think you have the strength to first get the opinions of others like you before you take any serious action? Can you hold on just a little longer?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Biki HonkoMay 12, 2013 at 6:55 PM

    Go talk to your doctor. They are well versed in having to adjust the medications constantly. At the beginning you required that level of dosing, but now that you're under better control, they can begin to dial it back, and to possibly change out some meds here and there.

    Make an appointment to talk to your doctor. If they wont help you, get a new one. But what ever you do, DO NOT STOP TAKING YOUR MEDs!.!.!. You could cause severe mental damage, heart failure, etc.

    ReplyDelete

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