I look at my life, at the fact that even though I would love to have a place of my own, yet I am financially stuck living at home still, and with the instability in hours at work (and my ability to even coupe well enough to work at times) it dose not look like that is going to be changing any time soon. I look at my life and see that increasingly it dose not seem to be getting better but instead just seems to be going into further tail spins, that it will pull up and maybe stabilize for a little but then it goes plunging back down. I really wish so often that I could just trade in my whole mind and body for a new one, that I could start over with out all the defects. I very often wish that I could start afresh with a new body and normally non defective mind where things had first gone off the tracks (where ever that is I don't really know at this point any more) so that instead of having a life that when it starts to get some where, or even just gets the pieces pulled back together (to match myself) it dose down in flames. One where I don't spend so much time ether so depressed that I'm to paralyzed to make choices to impart changes on my life, or that I'm so high on life that I make choice with our regards to the long term impacts they might have. That along with being so emotional polarized and quite often overwhelmed that I was not so to the point that I get angered (enraged) at the drop of a hat, that I did not feel so out of control emotional, like a passenger on a wiled ride just trying to hold on for dear life a good amount of the time, then trying to pick up the pieces after the ride finally slowed.
Then there is the lack of any meaningful dating life, which I am so split on its not even funny, as I have posted before. I know that I have so much baggage when it comes to my own sexuality that I have not dealt with and that I honestly have no clue how to, or strong enough will to truly actually effectively deal with when it has the most negative power over me, which is when I'm depressed. I have little to no trouble with my sexuality or feelings of guilt or little of discomfort when I am in when of my up moods, but then again there is very little that can actually bother me then so it should not be surprising. That who ever is also a double edged sword of sorts as I then make not so good/risky choices, which luckily have not had any really major consequences up to this point, but the fact is that the choices made don't point to the best or great decision making. This leads to a conflict where I am proudly open and pretty sexually free when I'm in one of my not depressed up moods, but when I'm depressed I go back into a self induced closet where I hate my own sexuality. Even thought these feeling are there even when I'm not depressed they are just much more amplified when I am, that I can't really just gloss over then and ignore them like I can attempt to when I'm not.
Then I often wonder even now if I will ever get any better, I wonder if life will ever really get any better or, if its going to just be drug induced somewhat normalcy where I get some glimpses of what it is I so deeply desire, but not long enough that I will ever be able to build an effective life that any one else will want to join me in. I also look at the fact that I'm almost 24 that 30 seems to be coming up faster and faster, that I really may have to give up on my life long dreams of having a family if things in my life don't turn around. That if things aren't able to be brought under control I will have to give up on that dream, and that I may also never even get to find some one to share my life with as, the current direction its heading is not a direction to carries much if any promise at all. I feel that I have failed my self, and my life and I don't know how to fix it, that I have doomed my self to watching others live my dream while I fade away never getting to do so.
Thank you for reading and as always comments and feed back are welcome.