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Is My Life Even Worth Living?

I keep asking my self this and I don't even think the answer is yes,  I don't feel that there is truly anything that can be done to make this pain go away, let alone stay away.  To make my life worth anything, to stop the hurt that I inflict on others simply by living.  I don't understand why I feel this way why I am this way, and I don't see any way to actually escape it ether while still living.  I feel so ashamed of my self, so worthless and out of control too. 

Comments

  1. hmmm ok... well the short answer is "yes" life is worth living but the reason WHY is a bit more complicated than that. People often say life is short.. clearly those people are not paying attention. Life is LONG and thankfully so.

    This means life is never a static experience. It is a state of CONSTANT change. The "rub" as Shakespeare would say, is the change is never visible as it happens. Hindsight is always the clearer view. Think of your life as it was 10 years ago, and how it is today. Now on the surface, it may seem there there is not much difference, but if you look honestly you will see the differences are HUGE.

    A decade,5 yrs even is a whole life time of difference.

    As a geeky closeted kid growing up in *shudder* Sun Prairie, Wisconsin I constantly found myself asking "is this it??? is this all there is to look forward to?" Then in College i felt slightly more optimistic but still felt at times felt like I was just "taking up space". Worrying about the worry others had for and about me.

    Life, my friend always moves on. To steal Dan Savage's thunder.. it really does "get better." But change, like microwave popcorn has an annoying habit of not moving when watched for directly.

    If nothing else, think of this... Words and ideas you have there, and type on a keyboard, are literally going out all over the world and are being read in the most unlikely places.

    Including here in London.

    Dave

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  2. You seem to be spiraling out of control. It's time to go back to the doctor and get a check up on your general health, and to do a re-eval of your meds. It's very often for long term usage of a med to lose its effectiveness over time.

    Short answer to your question, is a very loud and emphatic YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!!!!

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  3. You inflict no pain on others simply by living...quite the opposite in fact...but we often cant see that when we are at the bottom of the well looking up. I spend alot of days at the bottom of that well and sometimes you think your doing the world a favor by removing yourself from it when, in fact, you really saying to yourself, "I am in pain and I don't know what to do." There is no shame in being in pain...nor does it add to the pain of others.

    Hell the very fact that this blog exsists is evidence that yours is a soul that not only wants to reach out to others...but wants to give back something positive. How can that be "inflicting pain on others."

    If there is a more specific pain you are refering to then why not continue to blog it out...or privately message me and lay it all out there. Chances are we have all been there before in some way and you are not alone in what you are feeling.

    So much imphasis has been placed on "It Gets Better" that we forget that for many people it hasn't yet...for reasons that are as varied as people are. Sometimes life keeps throwing us so many lemons that we get dam tired of the lemonade and just switch to the vodka instead. The point of "it gets better" is not some magical day in the future in which all our problems will be solved...its developing the ability to keep getting out of bed in the here and now when it sucks, to give us a fighting chance to get to a day when it might well BE better. But its learning to live through THESE says that get you to those magicall posibilities of the future. This is a tougher skill to learn because it means taking our focus away from what sucks RIGHT NOW...to what we can appreciate in the moment and make it just a bit more tollerable. I love throwing myself into my video games. Allow yourself permission to obsess about something other than what sucks...porn, youtube life, video games, home improvement, reality t.v.....what ever can take you out of yourself for a while.

    Day by day..as a previous commentor said...life changes, but not if we are watching it and waiting for it to change. It sucks today...it sucks a tiny fraction less tommorow..and so on, until you wake up one day to the startling realization that not only are you still here..but you are o.k. Sometimes thats a "holy shit" moment..it has been for me many times.

    Another thing to consider is that you blame yourself...and it isn't your fault. It's just the shit that happens in life. Practicing a little more compassion for yourself and a little less self-condemnation go along way to feeling like it's getting better. Too often, we are our own worst enemies.

    Love...Bryan

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