I keep asking my self this and I don't even think the answer is yes, I don't feel that there is truly anything that can be done to make this pain go away, let alone stay away. To make my life worth anything, to stop the hurt that I inflict on others simply by living. I don't understand why I feel this way why I am this way, and I don't see any way to actually escape it ether while still living. I feel so ashamed of my self, so worthless and out of control too.
So how do you get to the point where the wheels are flying off the your manic high, especially when you are supposedly supposed to be educated on your disorder. For me that is at once a complicated and in ways a simple question. It is complicated because there are so many warning signs to be missed or to be shoved under the rug, and yet so simple because it is rooted in the fact that your brain is saying that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about, when in fact if you value your mental stability and balance, like I do, there is very much to be worried about. This is not just so abstract question that I ponder in my mind like an artifact displayed in a case at a museum, it is something that is a very real part of my life and something that I am living through at this very moment.