I really do want to die, rather then feel like I do now, to feel the most crushing pain, sorrow, hopelessness, guilt and absolute worthlessness. With my mind raceing out of control, and the most conflicting needs to run and scream and do everything and anything possible, yet to also curl up in a ball, to disappear and to shut down completely. I would rather overdose my way into a sleep I would never again wake from then to feel this way anymore!
So how do you get to the point where the wheels are flying off the your manic high, especially when you are supposedly supposed to be educated on your disorder. For me that is at once a complicated and in ways a simple question. It is complicated because there are so many warning signs to be missed or to be shoved under the rug, and yet so simple because it is rooted in the fact that your brain is saying that everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about, when in fact if you value your mental stability and balance, like I do, there is very much to be worried about. This is not just so abstract question that I ponder in my mind like an artifact displayed in a case at a museum, it is something that is a very real part of my life and something that I am living through at this very moment.