I really do want to die, rather then feel like I do now, to feel the most crushing pain, sorrow, hopelessness, guilt and absolute worthlessness. With my mind raceing out of control, and the most conflicting needs to run and scream and do everything and anything possible, yet to also curl up in a ball, to disappear and to shut down completely. I would rather overdose my way into a sleep I would never again wake from then to feel this way anymore!
While being balanced mode wise is something that is good and something that I am glad to be, although I do wish that my medications made me feel less drained like I have been dragging a heavy weight around with me while I do things, in part because my mind seems to be sort of slow and just not totally with it at times leaving it to take a lot of energy to concentrate and get things done and that mental energy also has a physical manifestation as well, and is what tends to make me feel the most drained. while it is good to be balanced it is hard to not want to have a taste of the forbidden fruit that I have been brought down from having a minor taste of and that is to be on the more manic side of things. It is times like this when I know that the meds are keeping me from an amazing natural high, that it is so tempting just to stop taking my medications.
Ok, it sounds like you need to check to see if you've taken all your meds, and if so? You need to go back to the doctor to let him know that things are not working out well for you at the moment. Yes, it is that important! No, it's not running to the doctor for no good reason.
ReplyDeleteAnd you are very right about our societies views on mental health. But honestly, what about our society isnt completely out of whack?
I think you have hit the wall where hiding is hurting you. It's eating at you, and eroding your self worth. I look at it like coming out. If they can't accept you for who you are, then dump their bigoted asses at the curb, and go out and make some new friends!
Walk tall, walk proud my friend. Don't let anyone knock you down.
I don't take medications any more and have not for months,(nor do I go to a shrink) I stopped taking them because for one thing the blood work to insure I did not accidental overdose or destroy ether my kidneys or it was my liver (don't remember which) got to be to much for me to deal with (as I have a fear of blood needles and other people in control of sharp objects) not only that but the side affects where quite nasty and unpleasant, as well as it left me feeling like a drugged out zombie and not at all my self.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to go back onto medications and really I see them as an absolut last resort that really I would rather be dead then be back on.
I do how ever take vitamin D, a clinically proven helpful level of Omega 3, and daily multivitamin.