I Despise The Fact That I'm Gay!!!

Once again my hatred of my self, especially for the fact that I am gay has bubbled up to the surface, part of it was because of the light prodding of the subject early on in my appointments with my shrink and his strong suggestion that I start to ex amen those feeling and try to understand why I have them, partly because those feelings have never fully left and never fully been able to be swept under the rug like many of my other feelings manage to get to have done to them. (at least for a short while) Most definitely though do the inadvertent jabbing of the lid to the Pandora's box of them by a coworker who had no real intention to cause harm or pain but was simply joking around.  Something that just about every time cause things to get stirred up with in me and that I actively pretend I am alright with and join in the joking which to every one else around seems like I am joking but in reality I am beating up on my self. 

Which I guess would be part of the negativity towards my self that my shrink thinks that seriously needs to be dealt with in order to try to be able to deal with what seems to be my mired of other issues that need to be dealt with to help bring me into better control and ability to prevent my self from being knocked out of whack, in the emotional/ mood cycling since that is.

I know that there are many out there that will hate that I feel this way and hold it against me and instead of trying to provide help or even any level of sympathy instead will/would only pile on scorn and hatred, which would only top off that which I feel towards my self.  However I hate my self and my sexuality so much and feel so disgusted by it and by the feelings and desires I have that I would jump at the chance to no longer be gay and instead be straight.  Now this is always something that lies just beneath the surface and it dose not take much of a scratch to make it come gushing to the surface. So one would think that I would say something to those around me especially those that I work with that like to joke in what is supposed to be a good natured way about my sexuality that the joking dose this to me, how ever I feel that I deserve to feel this way and that even if they don't know it, that it is right for them to make me feel this way. 

It is not like my coworker means to do this to me, and I don't want to make him feel bad nor do I actually want to open up and let them know that I am hurt and why.  It almost always starts in the same way a joke about me having weak wrists, and then about how I am obviously the women in relationships and all that sort of stuff, which inevitably I join in joking about, while inside I am caring a tirade of a conversation on about how all that stuff is exactly what is wrong with me.  Then of course it progress to the point of how he knew from the moment I started working there that I was gay even way before I came out, which hurts me even more because what it implies hell states is the fact that even why I thought that I appeared not to be gay that others saw straight threw that and that I could never pass as not gay.  Well of course this time it got to that point but the final blow to my ability to grasp on to one last piece of hope that I could pass as straight, was brought to bare by the fact that now he is dating an young woman who works in another department in the store who also apparently used to go to school with me in HS, who basically said she did not know I was gay in HS only because I basically did not talk to people.  So now I don't even have that hope that when I managed to have the emotional energy to try over come my demons and to be straight, I still did not really fool any one, because the only ones that where fooled where the ones that I did not interact with.

I absolutely hate everything about me being gay, and I hate my self  for not being able to do what it took to actually be straight, to fight my way to being straight. I hate the fact that I am attracted to other men, that I am romantically and sexually attracted to them and not to women, I feel like a filthy whore for my sexual desires and even worse for having even entertained them, let alone for having actually acted on them.  I hate my disgusting abomination of a self. I don't deserve to be loved as I am; I deserve to be damned to be treated like the piece of crap that I am, to be scorned, to be made to hurt, to be made to suffer, to be drug across miles of broken glass till there is nothing left of me at all. A filthy disgusting freak like me dose not deserve happiness I deserve all the pain that can come my way, I deserve for that pain to fill me to the brim, to fill me to the point that it overflows everywhere leaving me no escape from it.  I don't deserve to ever live a happy and well adjusted life as I am now, no what I deserve is to have the living shit beat out of me for the monster that I am.

Yet I'm such a fucking peace of shit that I still can't manage to not give into my disgusting desires, to not have the same fucking disgusting feelings towards other men, to still give into fucking weakness and shame my self by looking at disgusting pictures online and feeding the disgusting fantasies that plague my damned mind. No matter how fucking hard I try to escape them how hard I try to make these things go away to run from them to out run the disgustingness that is my own fucking monster of a self.  That I am so fucking weak and so much of a fucking lost cause of a loser that I can't fucking escape this unspeakable shame, that is my own sexuality that I can't correct it that I can't make it right! That I can't make my self straight, that I can't make my self be a real fucking man!  Instead I fail and I damn my self to be a disgusting excuse of a wast of a man, something so vial that I should rightfully be killed by any one with any level of common since and basic morals.