I was thinking about that advice yesterday when I was upstairs watching TV/ talking with Mom and Dad,
when Mom asked me how my date the other night had been (and she used the word date) and mentioned that I have been home relatively early (compared to previous dates) and asked what I had done. So I decided to actually say something and started to say that we had gone to one of his friends house and that I had had fun, unfortunately dad had gotten irritated by the turn of conversation and with out saying anything quickly got up and left the room and instead when on his computer. This was not terribly surprising as I basically had a feeling he is still not comfortable with the fact that I am gay (even after about 5 years) but it still hurt that he did that, especially given that he will talk to my brother about his girlfriend. (who is twice his age and has 4 kids) So it did hurt to have him basically huff out of the room at the mere mention of the fact that I am seeing some one, not even that I have a boyfriend but simply that I am seeing a guy. It makes it feel like I am doing something wrong, and it makes it clear that in the very home that I live in in not free to talk of one of the people that means a lot to me.
It also makes it seem very clear that he has no int erst in even acknowledging the fact that I am dating some one let alone that he will ever be willing to meet them. This would not be quite as big of a deal if I was living on my own, as it almost totally prevents me from having my BF to my place for anything and forces me (and my BF) to only ever be able to do things out or try to find time for us time around his 3 other roommates.(and their band)
Ok, this is may not be a very popular view but here goes...
ReplyDeleteYes your Dad is living a very blatant double standard when it comes to the dating lives of his Sons. But.. (and here it comes...) You are living under his roof, and that means to a certain extent, deferring to his sensitivities and sensibilities.
Now this doesn't mean you shouldn't try to have the conversation with him about why he is uncomfortable with the thought of you on a date. But my advice to you is, as you live with him, go gently.
Just as coming out was a process for you, it is also a process for him. It sounds like your Mom is a little further along in that than your Dad is. But it is still a process. Parents have hopes and expectations and fears just like anyone else.
What most parents really want is for their Son or Daughter to be happy, and there is a fear, that being Gay or Lesbian will make it much harder for their child to find that happiness.
For my folks it wasn't until I was well and truly out on my own that they were comfortable enough meeting who I was dating. And that is a key element. When you are living on your own, your Parents perception will change dramatically.
When you are not living with your folks, the Parent- child dynamic changes. And Suddenly you have a "life" that they are one more step removed from.
It's at this point the shift in attitude often happens. For them, now meeting your bf becomes a way for them to "Connect" with your life. It also allows you to manage the meeting in a way that was respectful of them and respectful of your relationship with your bf.
My ultra conservative ex-military Father now refers to my partner has his "son out-law" and even writes letters the editor of his local newspaper about how dumb the Defense of Marriage Act is.
Yet the first time your folks meet the guy you are dating it WILL be awkward...VERY awkward. But guess what? It's not that different for Straight kids who are bringing home their bf or gf for the first time.
Its just that we as Gays and Lesbians have all this added "Stuff" that society throws in the mix, that we have to wade through . It takes time, but have faith in your Dad, he'll get there. But it sounds like it will probably still take some time.
I don't think that your advice should be unpopular as it's basically the way that I see trying to do things. Like I know last year it was a big step for Dad to ask my opinion of how I would hope he would vote on R71, and I respect that I am under his roof. (although still keeping an eye out for a place of my own but housing compared to income where I live is pricey IE average income is often not enough to rent most places but still to high to get "affordable housing") But part of the hope is that seeing I happy dateing this person who I am speending more and more of my free time with will posible help.
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