So Adam (my boyfriend) has been talking about meeting my family, especially my dad and brother after he briefly got to meet my mom (who really wants to get to spend more time with him and to get to know him better) and spending some time with my best friend. I can totally understand his wanting to meet my dad, as for one thing I live with my family, and for the fact that most people want to meet the parents of their partner as it is one of the things that signifies the seriousness of a relationship. I would love to introduce him to my Dad as much as he would like to meet him, but I don't feel that it is that easy and I'm not sure how or if that will be possible and unfortunately not only dose that make me unhappy but it also adds a level of complication to the relationship that I don't feel should have to be there.
I really wish that I felt introducing Dad to Adam would be as easy as it should be, and as I feel Adam would like it to be, however I think that it is something that will not go over very well with dad at all.
For the first thing when I came out to him things did not go well, and I did not find out how totally unwell until several years latter when mom told me how poorly, all that I remember was not being talked to for at least a month, then their is the fact that "that part of my life" is never brought up or talked about by dad. It is ignored like as if doing so will cause it to go away, a trait of his that indicates for the most part that he is really not comfortable and especially not happy about something is when it totally ignores it and refuses to talk about it. up to this point that unspoken arrangement has worked out, where dad dose not ask about that part of my personal life, (or the few time he has asked something and I mentioned it he never asked about that again) and I don't tell him about it. I have never told him about any one that I have ever dated or any date I have goon on let alone any one that I was interested in and he has never asked. I sincerely feal and my worry is that an attempt to introduce him to Adam will cause lots of unnecessary turmoil, not only for my relationship with dad but also for his relation ship with others in my family most specifically Mom who is a very strong Alie when it comes to my relationship and was when and ever since I came out, as well as my brother, and I don't feel that it is in my best interest let alone my desire to cause that sort of trouble.
It sounds greedy and it really is on my part but I don't want to risk the improved relationship with Dad that I/we have manged to build since I came out to him, especially when it sincerely looks like that relationship is going to be able to be built into an even better stronger one. That is not something that I want to lose or risk putting in jeopardy because dad has always been an important and active part of my life ever since I was a little kid. I know I am an adult now but that to me makes it even more of a selfishly important goal to safeguard the relationship that we have and to keep it from getting damaged. Yet I also feel that, that is going to be hard to do if I am prevented from spending time with him because I can't do so and include someone who is ever increasingly becoming an important part of my life. I worry that things could head in the direction they where and have to an extent stayed with my brother who is dating some one that dad dose not approve of but has at least made attempts to be accommodating and welcoming to. Because my brothers relationship with dad has become more distant as he was not able to include dad in things with his girlfriend and her family so instead left dad for the most part out of a large chunk of his life and had little time for him. This is not something that I want but I feel that it is something that is all to likely given the current unspoken understanding we have with each other and the feeling I have of his current comfort level.
Part of this comes from the fact that from when I tell him I'm going out and that I have plans but will not elaborate it's clear that they are of a dating nature just as when my brother has plans with his GF. The other part is that Mom mentioned to him one night that I had a dinner date the next day (with Adam but did not say with who) because it was going to be after I got of work the next day, and she would not be home but he would, (so she wanted he not wondering why I did not come home and worrying) and all he did to acknowledge that was make a sort of grunt sound. Then the next day when I did get home in an obviously good mood he did not even ask me about the date. But the bigger thing is that unlike Mom and Grandma, who are both excited about the fact in dating was the fact that he did not seem excited at all, and did not acknowledge Mom in any sort of real way. It makes me feel, and worry, that he is not ready to be introduced to someone that I am dating let alone deal with the fact that I am dating someone.
All of this leaves me feeling upset and unsure of what to do, as I want to introduce Adam to him so that at the very least I can have him over to the house and possibly include him in some family things (like holidays) but also because meeting the family is a big step and it is something that is clearly very important to him, not to mention that he is excited about wanting to introduce me to his family. (and friends) This part of me agrees with Mom in that if dad has a problem with meeting and including Adam in the family then that is his problem and it should not stop me or the rest of the family from doing so, but the other part of me says that it's not fair to put him (or Adam) in that sort of situation especially when it could wind up leaving him feeling and being in a position where he has no one on his side but has every one against him. I'm not sure what to do, and I know that the longer I put it off the harder it is going to get and the more of a problem it will become.
I would truly love any suggestions and feedback that any of you my readers have, as I truly do need some help with this one. I always appreciate feedback and comment, and will read and reply to all of them. Thank you so much for fallowing along with me and all the help that you provide.
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