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Ashamed Even When Supported

So I know that it has been a while since my last post, I do feel guilty about it, things have been um "crazy" lately is all I will say. Now I would like to move on to the topic for the post, I would like to talk about my discomfort when it comes to unprompted mater of fact honest support for me as a gay son from my mother.  It is something that I really don't understand as I know that most people would not have such an issue, now don't get me wrong its not that I am not appreciative, I truly am, I just like some many other things am so screwed up some how I have issues with even this great thing.

So mom has always been supportive, ever since the day that I came out to her.  However it seems that the more supportive, comfortable and mater of a fact with the fact that I'm gay the more and more uncomfortable and borderline shameful I seem to feel about it.  Especially as she more and more often will talk to me about when I meet guys and start seeing them they are welcome to family gathering and such and that she would honestly expect me to invite them to participate in such things just as she would and dose my brother of the girls he dates.   Which on one had is yes very good and faltering, and well seeing as I'm much more family oriented them my brother, and tend to arrange my social scheduled to make family gatherings it is also an affirmation that things are also still the same as they where before I came out. How ever like I said I don't know why but this makes be feel very comfortable as I feel like it is something that I should not do, like it some how including someone that I am dating because they are a guy in any sort of family gathering would be highly inappropriate. It's as somehow I feel that for me to actually do as she says that she would be very happy and wish to see me do would not only bring shame on the the family but would only serve to highlight how much of a horrible person I am. 

Then there is the topic that I know I should be shouting with joy from the mountain tops with, and that is her total support of not only me having relationships but the idea of me having a family of my own.  Yet It is when she mentions this, and brings this subject up that I feel the most shameful uncomfortable.  I know that I should be over joyed that to have support. To have her openly want me to find that person that makes me happy that she will be happy when I find that person even thought hey are a guy, and that she openly admits that it will be a guy.   That some day I want to raise a family with my partner when I finally meet them, to have my mother be that open and supportive about that should not make me feel shameful, yet it dose. It makes me fell dirty, some how filthy, I don't know why I keep coming back to these words, but they seem to best feet the feeling.  I feel like such a horrible person, like a horrible son, like I should not actually be happy with my self even though I know that is not how I should feel and I know that is not how she wants me to feel, when ever such things are brought up.

I have a hard time understanding why I don't feel as good about mom honest support as I really should, especially considering the fact that dad even thought the fact that our relationship is much better now then when I first came out to him. Even thought this still leaves a lot when it comes to the levels of support, as he still dose not really acknowledge the fact that I'm gay let alone approach the subject with such comfort as mom when/if it somehow comes up. however that is beyond the point, other then the fact that at least when it comes to that relationship I can understand why those feeling are there, unlike with moms, which no matter how much I try I can't seem to get.

One again thank you for reading, and comments are always welcome. :-)
 

Comments

  1. I think someday when you fall in love and produce a family you can be proud of a lot of the shame you feel will leave....

    This is jay

    ReplyDelete
  2. I guess that makes since, I just really don't get why given the current way things are I still feel the way that i do. It dose not seem to make since as it's not like the same is coming form the way I'm being treated by once of the now closest family relationships I have. It is like I somehow hate and am ashamed of that part of my self no matter what.

    ReplyDelete

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