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Is There Room For Someone Like Me?


This is a question that I often ask my self, even more so these days as the prospect of home ownership comes ever more clearly into sight.  I find my self wondering if indeed there is room for some one like me to find a loving and committed relationship (or even a relationship at all) with in the gay community, especially as I move ever forward with my plans to buy a house in the area where I have lived for the vast majority of my life and that I want to continue living and to build a life in.  I as my self this question not only because of the area that I chose to live but also because of the way I look, I freely admit that I am no module and that I carry some extra pounds on me.  I am often left with the clear impression that by the "gay" standard I might as well be a whores for that is how I find my self to be viewed.  Then add to that that I don't live in nor desire to live in ether the "gay mecca" of Seattle or Vancouver B.C.  and that instead I am trying to buy a place I love in an area that I like outside of the already gay geographically undesirable city of Bellingham (wa).
It seems at times that because I don't fit the gay mold of being a twinkie party boy that wants to live in the big city and go clubbing and partying out late every night, that instead would rather be spending time at home or with friends and family, that wants to settle down into a place of their own in a piece of the rural suburban dream I am to be cast to the side as someone that is untouchable, unlovable and undesirable as relationship material.  That to have dreams and aspirations that don't center around pop culture, and wild clubbing I am to be an outcast.  That seems to be compounded by the fact that I don't have a model perfect body, and that I never will, that instead I have a few extra pounds and that I'm for the most part perfectly happy with it that way.    That I have values, beliefs and morals and causes important to me out side of just the tiny hand full of nationally important LGBT issues, seems to be a strike against me. 
It often leaves me with the feeling that in order to find live my life in the ways that I value most and that I find to bring the most joy and completion to it, that I have to sacrifice and forgo the prospect of a relationship that will provide the complementation to fully complete it, as to do what would need to be done to find and insure that would mean having the relationship but forgoing the joy of living the life that I value in exchange for living one that I don't and instead feel terrible when I do.   Its obvious that I have chosen to pursue the life that can provide me with the most joy and completion while forgoing to one that will ultimately improve my already slim chances of finding a relationship.  Truthfully this dose make me jealous of those that have gotten to do both.   Those who get to live the suburban/small city dream outside of the "gay mecca" (like the Depfox's from Gay Family Values) because that is what I want and what I have always wanted, but what by all measures looks like I will never get, no matter how much effort and time I put into trying too, as I will always be so many levels of undisirable.

Comments

  1. I don't think you will have to forgo a relationship to live where you wish. And as for the twinkle factor, well they are really only a fairly small percentage of the population. Even if you were model thin, your values wouldn't change one little bit, and you still wouldn't be hanging around the clubs looking for your latest hookup. Are there any gay groups in your area, social or service ( doing good deeds sorta thing, not the military) that might be a good place to look for someone of a more similar outlook.

    Give yourself the time to look around your area and look for groups to join. And don't look upon them as a dating service, but firstly as a way to make friends, and only secondly as maybe having a good friend turn into something much much more.

    Good luck! And don't go selling yourself short, ok?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know that I should not sell my self short, it just seems at times that, that is going to be the only way that things will work out. On the bright side I am one step closer to getting the house.

    ReplyDelete

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