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Self Disgust

So today I would like to talk about, and attempt to talk out, my issue of even though I'm out still feeling uncomfortable and ashamed about my sexuality. It is something that I in all honesty dread and hate talking about in person. (ironically enough I know) When I do or others tend to talk to me about it, unless its one of the rear times where I actually drop my "guard" to them, I deal with it by making very homophobic type jokes, at my own experience.  Even though it makes me feel like crap, but I do it and I pretend that I think it's funny and that I love it.

Even when I do the one gay social group gathering I go to each week I spend the majority of the time pretending to actually enjoy the conversations and the company.  But in reality I spend most of it feeling dirty, like I'm some how doing something wrong even thought I know that I'm not, its walking and then grabbing a bight to eat, and talking.  I spend the time feeling that I'm a bad person that I need to apologise to every one around to ask their forgiveness, and to show them how ashamed I am.  It's strange I know on a logical side that I should not feel that way, that I'm not doing anything wrong, that I'm just doing the same sorts of things that other people do in social clubs. 

Datings even harder, I make a crappy date, in part because I'm crap at picking up on the other person flirting, well because I spend so much of my time worrying about how much it looks like I'm on a date with them.  That Others will see the disgusting thing, that I know logically is not, that I am up to. I get afraid that they will want to touch my hand or show some other sign of affection.  Even though I logically know that there is nothing wrong with it, that it is something to cherish to be proud of, in reality most of the time it makes me feel dirty, like a sleaze bag, like I have done something verging on the unforgivable.  I try to pretend that I am happy that I like it, that I don't care one way or another about PDA's.  How ever It dose hurt things as not matter how emotionally into the person I am, I wind up being quite disconnected, when it comes to my emotions.  More of the time then not it feels as though I am going threw the motions of presenting the right ones then being connected enough to deeply feel them.

 Heck I even feel so ashamed most of the time that if I am Reading about something gay, in the paper, online or listening to something gay related on TV the Radio, YouTube, iTunes, I feel quite dirty.  It is often to the point that if I hear or think I see some one coming I jump about ten feet and quickly change the the channel, page, song etc.  It not like this is dirty material, its normally songs, YouTubers, and gay rights news items, yet some how I feel filthy when when it comes to them.  I keep trying to tell my self I should not, It's not like people don't know I'm gay, after all I'm out at home, and at work.  Yet simply the topic is still enough to get me to react as if I was about to be attacked by a pro wrestler.  It's strange because logical I know that this is all illogical, and that I should not feel this way. Yet I do and I don't know why I do feel them, which seems to make it all that much harder to get read of them. I certainly hope that logic will win out sooner then latter as that would make things that much easier, and my life that much more enjoyable.


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